Caregiver's sharing thread IV

Sandi, the first anniversary was the worse for me.......so far.......year number 4 is coming up on April 25.   Time has flown since year 1...don't know where it went.    Will be thinking of you on the 22nd.........take care......thoughts and prayers........

How can someone be so ungrateful!? As you know I am helping my fiance take care of his sick mom. I have given up my life to be here with her everyday, good days or bad, because we never know when her good is going to change. As you know, it is very unpredictable. I am just about at my wits end though!
I love her with all my heart, I grew up in her house, I have known them since I was in diapers, but oh my heavens! She is so dang grumpy! I dont know if her and my sons personality is too similar or if they just dont like each other, but she is constantly on him. Always yelling at him and arguing with him. He is 6! I can understand where he would want to argue back because of his age, but she is 64! I feel like I am doing him wrong by always getting on him and punishing him, when all he is doing is being a kid. He can be playing quietly on the floor and she will start yelling at him. She compares my kids to Mark when he was little and to her grandson, and that isnt right! My kids are not angels by no means, but they are really good, well mannered kids. It is to the point they dont want to be home, they want to stay with my mom all the time. I miss my kids! Yesterday I finally blew up, she started yelling at him at breakfast and he started to say something back and I blew. I told her I was tired of all the bickering, they are my kids and to stop and shut up. I felt bad, but yet it still felt so good! Then I invited my friend over, we grilled out and stayed outside til Mark got home from work. I just needed the break. The rest of yesterday went good.
This morning however, the kids were getting dressed for school and she thought they were being to loud, and starting yelling, but just aimed at DK, my 6 year old. I told her I am the mom and I dont need her help. She isnt helping at all but making it worse. She looks at me rolls her eyes and said her grandson would not do that.
I dont know what to do. I love my fiance and I love her, but I love my kids to the point that I am ready to throw in the towel. He wont stand up to her, for nothing. I have asked him, pleaded with him almost cried over this stuff. He knows I am stressed and tries to help more around the house when he gets home, but still that doesn't take the stress off the constant turmoil in the house.
HELP! What should I do. I love Mark, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He took me and my kids on without a second thought, loves us unconditionally, but wont stand up to her, in our house! I am so tired and stressed all the time, that I want to run away. Please any advice on this situation would help so much. I dont really know who else to turn to. You have all helped me so much already, maybe you can help me with this.

Natalie

Natalie, this is a hard one.  The only thing I can suggest is to get some in-home help for her and to bow out some.  Try not to have the kids...especially the 6-year-old...around her much.  Some (if not most) men have trouble standing up to their mothers.  My daughter actually divorced her husband because of that.  Try to speak with your b.f. again and tell him that he needs to let his mom know that it's best to keep her mouth closed regarding the children, and especially this particular one.

Hugs,

Connie

Thanks guys. Yes it is a hard situation. My son comes first, no matter what, all my kids do. I sometimes wonder if its not her mental state, but she doesn't only do it when she is confused. I think sometimes it's just her, according to my mom, she always thought that Mark was perfect growing up and could do no wrong, but yet all the other kids did. I don't know! I love him very much and we are getting married in July, our relationship is still good. I miss the alone time I had with him before. It's so weird, when its just me and her here, we get along so good. Maybe its just being older and not having the patience anymore for young kids. I talked to my kids today and tried to explain that. I told them that when people get older and they are sick, they say a lot of things they dont realize. I think it helped. I am going to talk to Mark when every one is in bed. Maybe we can get his aunt to come and help out some, so we can get away. I know we both need a break. I see him getting really aggravated with her. He said she is starting to act like a child again. I guess we will figure it out, one day ata time. This wont last forever, and I remind myself and the kids of this everyday.
Thanks so much for all your advice!

Natalie

Thanks Sandi, you are right. i guess I try to sugar coat it, to make myself feel better

So, I talked to Mark. I told him everything that was going on and exactly how I felt about it. I told him how the kids were feeling and that it had to change. I had to explain to him that it happens all the time, but much worse when he is gone to work. I also told him I need a break. I am burnt completed out.
I knew when we got together that she was sick. I also knew at some point in time, he would need my help with her. I just didnt expect for it to happen 2 weeks after we moved in together. I has put a hold on a lot of things for me, for us. We get married 4 months from today, and haven't even had time to plan anything. Every time we planned on going and seeing the reception hall, she was sick. So now, my dream wedding probably wont happen, because we couldn't get the place and where I am from, thats about the only place. Well, unless you are rich, and we are far from that. Sorry, going off topic, just feeling a lot of frustration, because everything is just so hectic.
Back to the main topic, lol, sorry! He told me that it will be taken care of and that he was sorry for everything. He didn't realize how bad it was getting and he knew he kinda relaxed with me here helping. I just really hope things stay calm around here for a while. I know we can never know when to expect her to get sick again, so planning things is kinda difficult, but the quiet moments I get with the kids and with him are worth it. One of these days, we will have our alone time and will feel good knowing that we did all we could do to help a dying woman. Just in the meantime, learning to deal with her mood swings is going to be FUN!!!!
Thanks for reading my rants, thanks for talking to me. It is hard when you feel like you have no one that understands and I know on here, that you all do.
Thanks,
Natalie

seems you have a bit of perspective... which is good... and it will be a struggle to keep the perspective... you're making many sacrifices to care for his mother... Im sorry that your wedding is getting put on the back burner as a priority... I hope you can find a way to make it come off the way you want it to...meanwhile... you've come a long ways... and so great that he has come around... sometimes we need to just communicate... you take care... Sandi

You are so right on the planning and wedding thing. We talked last night, and we still want to get married in July. I think for now, we will just do a justice of the peace ceremony, maybe at the local park, and when we are able to, renew our vows, have a big wedding then. We both would like to at 1 year, but who knows. All I know is I want to marry him and dont care how. Every girl has her dreams of the perfect wedding, and I will get mine, it just may take time.
Connie, you are so right, I had know no idea what I was getting into. We moved in together more because we just couldn't wait. The first 2 weeks were great, but then she got sick. It isnt so much that I care to help, I love her very much, I want to help. I just didnt realize how much of my life it would consume. I am scared to go to the store too much during the day, because from one minute to the next, you never know what is going to happen with her. She has done a lot better with the kids, and seems to be trying to reach out a little more to Dalton. (my 6 year old) I am not sure, but I think Mark may have told her how he was feeling and how I felt. I told him under no uncertain terms, my kids come first and as much as I love him, if it doesnt get better for them, I am gone. So I believe he took that to heart.
I guess the other day I was just at my breaking point. It doesn't help that I have pmdd, and this month has been awful for it. I have found out that stress brings that out in me. Mark decided that on his weekends off, I need me time and he wants me to go do something, one day on my own and one day with the kids. I think right now that is just what the doctor ordered, lol. It may help me to keep from burning out so bad.
Thank you all for your kindness and support!
Natalie

Natalie, it certainly sounds like a step in the right direction.

Hugs,

Connie

Hi Natty,
I'm sad to hear of the tough times you're having to endure. Perfect weddings have nothing to do with a big party. A perfect wedding is about a couple that loves and supports one another. Right now it sounds as if you could use more support.

David, you are very right about a perfect wedding. I don't care where we do it, or how, as long as I marry him. He is the love of my life and of course I would love to share it with my family and friends, but we can renew our vows, when it is more appropriate. Right now, she needs us, and I couldn't fathom leaving her. It does get hard, but it is well worth it. I guess every one gets frustrated with it. It is hard, when you get so wrapped up in caring for someone, that you forget to do little things for yourself.
I am going out for a little while this afternoon, just some time with my daughter. She is 10 and takes it harder than the others. She understands more.
We have noticed that she is sleeping so much more. She lays down all the time. She will be up an hour if that and be exhausted and have to lay down. It is sad to see. I guess thats how this disease works. Slowly wears your body out.
Thanks for all your advice everyone, it really does help get through this.

Natalie

Thanks Emma, I needed that :)