meeting with husband's counselor

That the team feels that he needs a higher level of care.  They want him to go to another center that offers a more intense in take...two weeks straight 8 hours each day.  Then he can come back not to his group, but back to their level 1.  Starting all over as it were.

His counselor said that the lying is worse than the slip.  She says that she doesn't feel that he has been sharing enough at the group meetings and being introspective enough regarding his relationship with alcohol.  That he is only going through the motions...coming to the meetins, but just skating through.  She says obviously this isn't working for him because he had slip.  She said that if he had been honest about the slip from the beginning he wouldn't have been kicked out, but that the lying demonstrates that he isn't yet able to be honest about his alcoholism.

So, husband is really depressed.  He feels that he screwed up, but in addition to feeling bad about that and having to deal with the consequences of that...now everyone is calling him dishonest and a liar.  He feels that the counselor was really beating up on him...feels that she has given up on him.  He was expressing how he feels...not where he wanted to be in life...thought his life would be different...that he wouldn't have lost his job...that he would work there until he was 65...that we wouldn't be so strapped for money...that he wouldn't have to be worried about his liver failing.

I want to do what I can to help him, but I feel that I have to change the ways that I always react to things.  I haven't examined my own reactions to things very closely, but I think I need to assume that I am an enabler.  That I don't give out enough tough love when things go wrong.  I think that I spend too much time trying to protect him and make sure that he is always happy.  Change is so hard.  I need to be tough, but I also don't want to diminish that he has done so well, so much better than I ever expected...because if someone had told me 12 months ago that he would be sober for 50 weeks, I never would have believed it.  But he did accomplish that.  It is just a shame that he has to start the counting and accumulation of days to weeks to months all over.  That is disappointing. 

I think I have made it really clear to him that my priorities are his health #1 and keeping our marriage intact #2.  He says those are his priorities too, but in the opposite order.  He needs to surrender and let go...admit to being human and having problems...problems that are bigger than he is...and asking for help with them...so...we will have some tough times to get through the next few weeks...

Anyway, I told him he has a week to decide what he wants to do...go to that other group or start going to AA.

Sigh.  I want easy.  Dang, I hate this.

Sorry for long post, needed to get it all out.

Emma

As of now, Dougie does not need a transplant.  He hasn't experienced any big complications from his liver disease...no ascites, bleeding varices, HE.  He did have jaundice.  At his appt 5 months ago all his liver tests were either normal or just a bit outside of normal.  That took 7 months to get there.  He goes back next month for his next GI appt.  And I will be praying that everything is stable or improved.  And that his endoscopy is good and that his ultra sound is good.

The problem is, as we have all read here, liver disease can change and go downhill quickly.  So accumulating the days of sobriety was to ensure if the time ever came that he got so sick he needed a transplant he would be ready.  Now we are starting all over.

Emma

Emma, basically I agree with the decision to remove him from his group.  His lack of sharing means he is still in denial about his alcoholism.  I think his continuing with the bar job was also part of his denial.  "Look at me!  I'm in the midst of alcohol for hours, but I'm not drinking.  I can't have a problem."  Until he did drink.  The counselor is showing him that there are real consequences to his actions.

In AA, he would be starting over, too.  He would have to admit his slip and then pick up a white chip, which basically says "I'm starting over."  And you start counting again from day one.  I probably picked up 8 white chips.  The longest sobriety, before I was able to move on, was 3 mos.  I finally became almost embarrassed to continue picking them up...and the beer was no longer working for me...so I finally waved the white flag of surrender (despite all my fears) and picked up my last white chip on Aug. 1st, 1986.  I hope your hubby won't have to pick up as many chips or have that many slips before he quits for good...one day at a time.

Yes, I'd say you are somewhat co-dependent.  But you also have a lot of insight at this point.  As you said, it's an opportunity for him to do it right this time.  I hope he goes to AA and gets a sponsor...someone he totally trusts to tell everything to(no, that can't be you...has to be a 3rd party) who is also a (sober) alcoholic.  If he will work the steps properly, he will have the tools to deal with life and to remove himself from old playmates and places.  It's a lot of change, but must be done.

He's very fortunate that he isn't on a transplant list.  Removal from that would be a much harder pill to swallow.

Hugs and best of luck to both of you,

Connie