Hi Everyone

Just thought i'd drop in and say Hi.  I often pop in and read posts to see what you are all up but today thought I'd say Hi and say I am thinking of you all in your own battles with this god awful disease.

We are all doing OK here.  Zac is going well at school and finding new hobbies to keep himself busy, Phoebe is being a typical 22mth old and into everything and most days pushing boundries haha and I'm going OK.  I have good days and my bad ones and still cry randomly but my sister said to me a couple of days ago that tears are good, it shows how much you loved him and I think that is so true.  We are expected to pickup and move on faster because 'we knew it was going to happen' however knowing doesn't make the grief less and I think that what comes from knowing and caring for someone for so long is a strong feeling of guilt after they are gone.  Well that is what I am struggling with at the moment anyway.  I know everyone keeps saying to me you did everything you could, you respected Ben's wishes, etc etc. However it doesn't matter, he is not here and I keep wondering if I could have done more to prevent this from happening.  I know it doesn't make sense but I am really struggling with the guilt side of things at the moment.

I am do councelling with Hospice which is good and seems to be helping, meeting others who feel like you do.  I must admit I am the youngest widow there but still stories are every similiar.  I was also asked to write a peice about caring in the final stages and the feelings I had at the time to use in a publication to prevent alcohol abuse.  I did it but still deciding whether or not to submit it as it is quite rore emotions in it.  Wait and see on that one I think.

Well I hope you are all going OK and fighting as best you can.  Sending lots of strength, love and hope to you all.

Take Care and talk soon

Krista xxx

Just like every patients road is different with liver disease.......the same goes for grief.  It's all normal.  The guilt was the hardest for me to let go with.  Even though I knew I had nothing to be feeling guilty for the "what if's" and "if onlys" kept coming at me.

One day acceptance will peek through.........where you accept that it really had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.  It's all part of a plan... alot bigger than us.    

Keep putting one step in front of the other, and do what makes you feel better.....pay no mind to others who haven't walked in your shoes.....they haven't a clue as to the devastation you are dealing with.  They can only guess. 

Lot's of thoughts and prayers for both of you.