Caregivers sharing thread #11

Hey all. I have been super busy getting things ready for my mom's service. It will be this Saturday. I like it better when the service is within a week of a loved one's passing. Having this 3 weeks out has been hard. A lot of time to get things done...but a long time to wait. Dad wanted it this way to allow family members from other parts of the country to make travel arrangements. I have been taking care of everything...caterer, dvd tribute, obits, photo boards, prayer cards...etc. I am exhausted and weary in a way I have never known. But, I wouldn't have it any other way...other than not having the need to do it at all.

I am still in the disbelief stage of my grief. I just can't believe that mom is gone...or that I won't see her again. I did receive a beautiful gift last week. 6 years ago, one of my cousins hubby's had made audio files of my mom and some of her siblings asking them to give an oral history of the family. He sent me the CD, and I am now able to hear my mom's voice. I thought I would never hear her voice again. I haven't been able to listen to the whole interview yet...it is over an hour...but, I am so very pleased to have this. It is something I will treasure.

I am trying to work on a short remembrance speech for her service. I am really having a hard time. I feel like whatever I say just isn't enough...or it's a cliche. Just not good enough. Not giving up though. Still trying to work something through.

Dougie has a follow up banding tomorrow morning. Under a general anesthetic since under the twilight sedation he still pulls at the tubes. An icky feeling --- his first banding was the same day that mom went to the ER and was admitted...his second banding was the same day as her surgery that ended up with her in the ICU. I gotta shake that creepy feeling.

Dougie has been super wonderful. Totally my rock. My mom was one of his biggest fans. He is planning a dinner for all the out of town and in town family members for the night before the service. It's a great idea...but I am tired already and thinking about it just makes me more tired...but I know it is the right thing to do. So we gotta borrow some tables and chairs...pray for no rain and mild weather, because we have a little house and folks are gonna have to eat in the back yard. We will have a total of about 40 people or so.

Hope that everyone is having a peaceful day.

Post Edited (healthynow) : 4/23/2012 12:32:53 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you Child4. Your personal experience helps a great deal. I was going to talk about mom beating breast cancer 30 years ago, a stroke 7 years ago. She was tiny, but she was a fighter. She went through these health trials with dignity and grace, hardly ever complaining. We could have lost her years ago and having her all this extra time was certainly a gift. I am planning to keep it to around 2 minutes. I think that's all I can take. I love your sentiment of loved you first, loved you the longest. I hope you don't mind if I steal that! You know, she also brought the love of my life to me...my hubby was my youngest brothers high school basketball coach...my mom kept telling me how cute he was. I had to hear it for 3 years until my brother was a senior. Then that cute coach asked me out on a date! That was over 29 years ago. Mom along with dad set a wonderful example of husband and wife. I had a great road map. Dad certainly showed the meaning of until death us do part.

Thanks again.

Hugs,
Emma

Wow, now I'm in tears...hope the memorial helps the family begin to heal. I'm certain your eulogy will be beautiful.  Hugs, Carol 

Thanks for the advice, thoughts and prayers. Needed and very much appreciated.

We are just home from Dougie's banding. He had four more banded. He said there were 3 people holding him down during the procedure, because he gags alot and fights against the tubes and instruments. He is in bed...nauseated...in pain. Waiting another 10 minutes before he has a vicodin crushed up in a teaspoon of smoothie. Then I hope he sleeps for a while. Doctor told him he will most likely have 2 more follow ups. Ugh.

As soon as he naps I am going to work on my speech for my mom's service.

Still so much to do. I made the "program" folders last night. Sent out the obits to the newspapers this morning. DANG! I cannot believe how expensive they are. Trying to call my dad to get his ok before giving the papers the final go ahead.

I was crying on the way home from Dougie's appt. Normally, after one of his procedures I would call my mom to let her know how he did. She was our medical touch stone...being an ER nurse for 30+ years. Really felt that void today.

Received the dvd tribute from my cousin's husband. He put it together after I scanned and arranged all the photos. Watched it last night and had a good cry.

I am behind on reading all the posts on the forum. I will get back to them next week after mom's service is complete and all the out of town family goes home.

Emma

Emma, thanks for sharing your plans with us. If you speak from your heart, whatever you say in memory of your mom will be perfect. And what a wonderful gift to have her voice...and also the DVD tribute.

Hugs,
Connie

Emma, I'm hoping that God gave you an extra dose of strength today to get through this most difficult time.

Big hugs,
Connie

Thank you everyone!  But the service is Saturday...

I have written my speech and have practiced in front of the mirror of few times.  One time crying, crying, crying.  Another time no tears.

Dad's brother and 2 of his sisters came in from the mid west yesterday.  I visited with them last night.  It was so nice to see my dad smiling and laughing.  Having his siblings with him has been good medicine for him.  One of his sisters has been a widow for 3 years, so she was giving him advice on that.  My brother comes in tonight and so does my youngest son.  Mom's sisters and one of my cousins are arriving today too.

It will be a full house here tomorrow night when we cook for everyone.  I hope the weather is good enough to put some tables outside...otherwise there will not be enough room!

Tested the dvd again today.  Obits in today's papers.  Portrait is done for service.  I have to fold up the programs tonight.  Clothes going to cleaners first thing in the morning...once son gets here late tonight.  Met with pastor yesterday.  Still trying to decide on music...

Did I say I was exhausted?

Thank you all for the support and good thoughts.  So appreciated.

Emma

Emma,
Will be thinking of you on Sat. Glad to hear your Dad's family made him laugh and are there for support for both of you.

My Mom, my rock, is headed home from wintering in AZ. She is 85 and driving herself the 1200 miles...slowly (I hope), but carefully, stopping to visit long-time friends and family on the way back here to NE. I have missed her so this last 6 months that she has been gone. Emma, reading your posts remind me of how much she means to me and to remember to tell her when she gets here.

I went to a caregiver's retreat for the last 2 days and it was really nice. It was hard at first to let others do for me,,,I wanted to say, "OH NO, I know how to do that"...and had to make an effort to let others do for me. The retreat had a lot of humorous speakers, plus things to do if the talking got too much...like scrapbooking, massages, games, etc. And LOTS of down time and good healthy food, which was great for everyone.
Thanks NE RESPITE CARE organization.

It helped me to be a better partner for my hubby when I went to see him today. He has fallen twice in the last week (once yesterday while I was at the retreat) and has a huge swollen knee and cut on his wrist. But this afternoon I took 3 baby one day old chicks and he showed them around to all at the B & B (nursing home) and everyone was smiling as they told stories about raising chickens. (I hope it made up for the night two days ago I was so cranky to him because he didn't make sense.) Wish all of you could have two days of these RESPITE ladies and speakers taking care of you...it was so refreshing. (I kept thinking...I really can't take the time..but it was worth it..and at no cost.)

Hope all of you are doing as well as possible. I am working hard to be a better and more compassionate life partner.
Angie1953

Hello everyone.

Mom's service was Saturday and it was lovely. She was not one that liked attention on herself, but there was alot of well deserved attention...Dad and the rest of the family were very pleased with everything. On the night before Dougie cooked for our extended family from near and far at our house. We had about 30 for dinner in our little place. Borrowed chairs and tables and had people inside, outside. We all watched the video tribute together and that was really wonderful to watch it with all the folks that loved mom the most...husband, kids, grandkids, nieces, sisters, in laws...

My best friend that lives 2500 miles away surprised me by coming in for the weekend. She and Dougie kept it a secret from me. She helped him with cooking and dishes for Friday's dinner and she helped with all the little details at the service and following reception.

Best friend went home yesterday and youngest son went back to school yesterday too. Rest of extended family flies out tomorrow morning. We will have one final big dinner together tonight. Today I am doing laundry and trying to get my house back in a bit of order, because it is back to work tomorrow. I have an appointment this afternoon with my counselor. I know that everyone at work will give me a few days, but after that I will need to be "normal" there. But I know that grief follows its own road, and I will just have to travel where it leads, for however long the journey of the raw emotion will be. Then, over time, I will settle into a calmer place with happy memories.

I want to thank everyone here for all the support. It has helped so very much. Child4-I opened my remebrance of my mom with the person that loved me first line. Thank you for sharing that with me. I didn't cry. I practiced alot and it really helped. I didn't have to look at my written words alot because of all the practice. I was pleased. My mom would have been really proud of me.

Emma

Emma, thanks for posting. You honored your mom in a special way. I hope you have a chance to decompress before heading back to work.

Hugs,
Connie

Emma, you back to work?

Hard, I bet, with all you've had to deal with lately.

Dougie doing okay?

Thanks for Mike's 1st Anniversary greetings.

And your good thoughts for his hernia repair.  He seems less upset than at first after hearing that others have had the same with not too much hastle with the repair.

I looked it up on the net and actually found a video of the whole operation from the inside and outside...the laprascopic one.  Amazing...that they can take the pictures like that AND that you can watch it.  We live in amazing times.

It is one thing after another it seems here at our house.

I hope we can get some appointments in the next weeks as I'm going to Connecticut to sit for grands the 3rd week in May for a bit. And want to go to all Mike's appointments in Miami.

Hugs to you, and everyone else tonight.

Carol

I have been back at work since Tuesday. Hanging in there. Catching up at work. Trying to help Dad with paperwork...checking in with him to be sure he is doing okay. Tears and then anger catch me at weird times.

Dougie is doing okay. Banding follow up scheduled for end of May. I didn't know he would keep going in every 30 days for this. I think I will start another thread and ask around. He is back going to gym...and I have noticed he has had no dessert the last couple of nights...which is good...cause he should lose 25 pounds.

He will be having 6 month appt sometime after banding. I will be super nervous for his scans and bloodwork. Not that he has been doing anything wrong. Just with my mom's passing I am feeling especially worry mode and vulnerable. Plus, dang...mom passed from liver failure in less than a week.

Connie and Carol-I hope you all get those appts in line, doing fine, and that you are all able to rest up in between.

Emma