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Surviving the losses.... One day at a time

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Posted 3/21/2013 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
In the short time that I have been a member of this forum, almost a year now, I have come to know so many of you and shared in the triumphs and the losses we have experienced. I have been touched with the compassion of people caring for me in the midst of their own troubles, laughed at the antics of some of our more colorful characters, and cheered at the successes of the folks who are living their lives more fully in the face of the obstacles that this crummy disease throws at them.

I wanted to start a thread for those of us dealing with our losses, and I know there are quite a few of us. Maybe this is not the place for it, I know there are grief forums out there, but this is the place where "everybody knows your name" so to speak.

It has been 258 days since my husband passed away. Each day is a new challenge. Sometimes the challenge is getting out of bed. Today it is preparing for a new job interview. Some days I have hope and think of the future. Other days, I wonder, what is the point? What could possibly be in my future that will make me feel better?

It helps me to hear of how others have moved forward with their lives, I know you are out there, pursuing new degrees, new challenges, maybe even new relationships eventually....

It also helps me to see the responses to the pain that some of us are going through. It helps me to feel "normal" as so often I am surprised by my feelings or lack thereof. Some things you just never begin to understand until you experience it firsthand, much like giving birth, I suppose, and every bit as painful.

Anyway, I thought it might be good to have a place to share...

Marie

Posted 3/21/2013 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Marie. I certainly have no objection to your starting a grief thread. It has been recommended before. The problem is keeping it active and on the first page. The Administrator would not agree to pinning this topic. Therefore, it's been suggested to keep it in the Caregivers thread.

If you want to try this on the general page, be prepared to bump it to keep it at the forefront.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 3/21/2013 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah let's do it!!! I'll post more later today!! Excellent idea!!!

Sandia
Posted 3/22/2013 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I'll do it too. ...and help keep the grief postings bumped to the top. It is helpful to me. Thought I was done grieving right after my husband even died...surprise..NOT.

Found out recently that someone else's relative/or best friend dieing wiped me out. Don't yet understand why.

Count me in.
Angie1953
Posted 3/22/2013 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
Someone have Charlie's email?
Posted 3/23/2013 3:13 AM (GMT 0)
Yep April is a tough month... April 21, 2010... but somehow... keep moving forward... all I can say is it's not easy but.. I keep doing it.. one day at a time...

Sandia
Posted 3/25/2013 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
The roller coaster, never one of my favorite rides, either. I was more of a ferris wheel girl. That I could tolerate. Don't really know how to work that into an analogy, but I guess if I can take enough deep breaths, and get through the next challenge, I can slow the roller coaster down to ferris wheel speed, and then the highs and lows will be more tolerable.

Today I am extremely conflicted. I have a follow up interview and am pretty certain I will get an offer (they are flying me to their headquarters ) but I feel badly about accepting and giving my notice. I was unemployed for about 4 months when my company closed up shop and moved across the countyr. That actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I was able to spend time with my hubby while he was still himself. I finally was hired in November of 2011 with my present employer. My boss actually created a position for me, and I was so relieved to be working and insured again. My husband got sick again in February, and they were very supportive through out his illness and subsequent death.

Nine months later, I am sitting at my computer at work most days feeling bored, apathetic, unfulfilled. Can't work myself up to care about anything at work. The new position would be more challenging, and much different than what I am doing now. And I know that I have to look out for my own future and my happiness...

I hope I am not rushing into a decision, but on the other hand, I feel I need to seize the opportunity. There just aren't that many out there. I know in my heart of hearts that I can't do what I am doing now for another 5 years, no way...

The worst part is not having my husband to help me make the decision.

Posted 3/25/2013 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
They say not to make changes too quickly...not to jump into another relationship, not to move, etc.

BUT, I think it is a good sign to begin to look at options and start to make the changes that work best for you.

Moving closer to family may be a good thing..and one can as easily move back for a good opportunity.

Taking a new job might be just the thing to help the start of a new era....it is a dilemma.

Ladies, this is the first day of the rest of your lives...be brave...make decisions that suit you..and make another decision another day if it does not.

Neither of you have tiny children, or report sick parents that you are supporting...and you have learned a sad lesson  that life can be cut short in a moment.

Give yourselves permission to live.

Hugs,

Mama Lama

Posted 3/25/2013 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
I lost my husband to this disease on April 20, 2012. I also cannot believe it has been almost a year. Lots of changes, lots of challenges I am lucky i have 5 wonderful supportive kids that help me through this. But it is lonely not to have your best friend to talk to, to ask for advice, just to keep you company. I cannot say it's been easy I still find it very difficult and I still tear up almost everyday on my drive home from work. I miss him very much but I am thankful to have had such a wonderful man by my side even if it was just for 8 years, he was the best. I guess we just need to take it one day at a time.
Posted 3/25/2013 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
My beautiful mom passed away on April 6, 2012. While she was initially hospitalized for pancreatitis, it was liver failure coupled with kidney failure that took her from this world. I came to this forum in Sept 2010 because my husband had been diagnosed with cirrhosis. It was the knowledge that I learned here that helped while my mom was in her last days...watching the jaundice, asking to add Xifaxan in addition to the Lactulose for her ammonia levels, asking about her kidney function, etc.

The last year has been very difficult, and I have weeping spells still almost daily. I am always thinking, "oh, I need to call Mom and tell her..." only to realize that I can't call her. My dad is hanging in there and being very brave, learning to live without her. They were married 55 years.

I cannot image how hard it must be for those of you that have lost your husbands/wives, life partners, best friends, the love of your life, soul-mates, lovers... For me, just how hard it has been to lose my mom, even knowing that is the natural order of things, and she had lived a full life.

So many here have been so young...heartbreaking.

You are all always in my prayers.

Emma

Post Edited By Moderator (hep93) : 4/2/2013 2:43:44 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/25/2013 10:36 PM (GMT 0)
Mariel... yes... three years it will be in April. I'd like to say everything is cheery. The truth is there are many days that are great. And then.. wham the grief hits me out of nowhere. I was not fortunate to have Mike for as long as you had your husband but I treasure each moment we spent together. I waited a lifetime to find him. In a sense, it is because of Mike that I have gone on to finish my degrees. I don't know if anyone will hire this ole counselor.. but I will give it all I have...A lady asked me my advice the other day about a nephew who was using and abusing drugs/alcohol.. and have gotten into trouble with the law... she told me I was hard. She had let this young man and his girlfriend into her house... still using.. I told her I'd drug test them randomly. I told her harsh would be to wake up with your lifesavings gone... or worse your life gone.... and that has happened... I provided her with some resources...

I think that losing Mike gave me perspective on life... the brevity of life... the joys of life... and how much we take for granted.. I treasure my Mike every day... He is here in my heart.. and has made me who I am today.. and will be part of my tomorrow.. He inspired me to go on... As he always said, "Let's make a memory... and we did.. and now I do"

Sandia
Posted 3/26/2013 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
...and I am about one year behind Moniesol, as I lost my best buddy and hubby Feb 15, 2013. It is still so new..and it's helpful to hear others of you writing about what it is like 1yr, 2yrs, 3yrs. later. I am still in shock I think. I keep thinking "he died so suddenly", but never say it out loud because the reality is that he was dieing for the last 2-3 years. And it was not sudden. The shock of him just being "gone" one day felt sudden, I guess.

The good things: I don't worry that he is suffering. I don't worry that if I just said the "right thing" he would agree to be evaluated for a transplant. I feel good that I got to be with him when he passed away...he was not by himself working in a foreign country. I feel like I "hung in there with him through the really tough times." when there were days I didn't feel I could take one more day of HE. (These are the good things that have to do with him.)

Some of the other good things over the last month and 1/2: I find myself thinking about...if I started a business what would it look like. Reading a book on Feng Shui and thinking how I could set up my home to be more conducive to the Good Chi. (I need every advantage for good karma I can get.) I can let the refrig get down to pickles, mayo, milk and butter and SlimFast and not feel a need to run to the grocery store right away. I can share my food with the cats (A big no-no before...and understandably.)

These are all pretty small things compared to the BIG hole in my heart, but we had a very "charmed life" for a long time. We were so much more dynamic as a couple, than we were as single people. We could walk into a room as a couple and captivate everyone with fun tales of our exploits and adventures. I miss having that charismatic synenergy. We did the same thing for each other, we so entertained each other in our private little world. This I will miss the most. But for now, one step at a time, one hour, one day.

Sandia...I like the "Let's make a memory" phrase. I hope to use it in the future. Hope all have a peaceful evening.
Angie1953
Posted 3/26/2013 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
Mike, lived in each moment. He taught me to do the same. He was forever disrupting my daily routine to whisper something silly in my ear or drag me off to the bedroom.. or to just simply dance in the livingroom. We met each other working construction. One Saturday he called me to come over to the site where he was working. I thought something was wrong. When I got over there he goes meet me down by the jiffy... by the time I got there.. it was a half a block away. He dragged me in there laughing and carrying on. I was laughing too.. The foreman was too happy ... it was a quick kiss but it has lasted forever. All along he was whispering "Let's make a memory baby, let's make a memory" and so we did.

take care my friends to make memories of your days to last your lifetime...


Sandia
Posted 3/26/2013 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Timing is everything!! It has been 23 days since my brother, LJ, died. Feels like yesturday. The Hospice Grief classes do not begin until May. Man, I could sure use them now. I have had so many Blessings for my nephew, great family and friends to talk to but this past weekend get away proved to be a set back.

I don't want sympathy but I sure could use some understanding as to my feelings getting irrational especially when other's haven't a clue. All in all, a dangerous situation  4 wheeling turned out without any injuries except mine. Being hurt for feeling left to fend alone in a bad situation that family had invited us to do.

Lesson learned. Changes are in the making. Time is moving quickly mostly. I have lost 15 pounds. Not unhealthy, much needed and I am not complaining. I take my vitamins, and eat healthy. It is a good start to a new beginning.

I have yet to deal with the agony in my heart. I feel when my mind and my heart are on track, then I trust timing will be there again and someone will be there just when they are suppose to be. I keep watching, listening, and being Thankful all I can for Blessings.

I think about that Sunday. Not just having to assist but watching LJ take his last breath. Oh the tears roll but I wipe them away and find a distraction. Much reading, educating and a different life to lead. Alot to adjust to, heal from and move forward.

Thank You for this thread. I hope it may continue. We are all still apart of this horrible ordeal. Blessings to you all!!

Love and Many Prayers,
Alisa

Posted 3/27/2013 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
Today is a happy day!! 

The last gift my husband gave me two weeks before he died....a beautiful very friendly calico stray cat he found hiding on our property, had 7 kittens yesterday.  It was a wonder to watch.  She knew what to do so expertly and is so happy to have little ones...she purrs and purrs and keeps cleaning them. 

"The gift that keeps on giving!!" 

My hubby is laughing where ever he is and thinking,,,this will keep her busy.  They do bring a smile as I watch their antics...even as young as they are.  I have already started contacting people who may want kittens in 12 weeks.

My hubby raised litters of tigers and he had all kinds of stories about them and how to teach them to do all kinds of things.  He would look at all these kittens and laugh and tell me I have a circus "cat act" in the making.  Feels good to smile.  It's been awhile.  Take care all.  I'm going to enjoy this hour, this day. 

Angie1953 

Posted 3/27/2013 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
Smiles are good! That is so awesome, Angie! tongue
Posted 3/27/2013 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
Angie, can I post here sometimes?

I giggled when I read your post. We had one of the grandkids here when he was about 5. He set up a very elaborate Brio train track set (we have had a huge box of them left over from when my 37 year old son was a boy) Five engines with new batteries!

He set them all going all over the patio at once and told us it wasa like trying to catch the litter of kittens they had back home at his house! Yup, it was!

Hugs on a better day,
Carol
Posted 3/27/2013 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Carol,

I don't mind, and I think you should post here. Because you also have a story and have to deal with all of us. This is why I wanted to use this forum and not a "widow/widower" site. It feels like family.

Marie

PS, I want one of those kitties! :)
Posted 3/27/2013 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,

"On a lighter note, have any of you had any moments where you thought, "hmm, this part of being single is okay".... My husband, for whatever reason felt I shopped too much, okay okay, I like to shop, but a lot of times I would leave things in my trunk until I could bring them in without him questioning me, lol, the first time I shopped after his passing I pulled up in the drive and thought, hmmm, I can just take it right in the house! Ain't nobody to question me now, I kinda chuckled yet at the same time it was kinda bittersweet... I'd give anything to argue with him again about me having too many shoes!"

 I find myself doing things my husband would do that I would yell at him for. The first thing I caught myself doing was driving out of the camp to go to the store. I had a soft drink can in the car. He would always throw them out the window in the driveway and then pick them up when he felt like it. I would always have a fit and say, why don't you just throw it in the barrel now instead of having to pick it up later. He would just shrug and laugh.  So one day I was in a hurry as my neighbor was waiting for me and I was going to pick her up so I wanted to get rid of the can. I barely even thought about it as I flung it out the window. I laughed all the way down the driveway!  I guess I miss picking up after him. Or at least seeing the evidence that he was there.


Posted 3/27/2013 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
OH Mama Lama... egad... we post all over this forum... post away..

Spring is coming people!!!

Sandia
Posted 4/2/2013 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,

You and I have very similar stats. We are the same age, and I was married to my husband for 27 years. We weren't perfect, but we were very happy and definitely best friends. I miss his sense of humor and his ability to see things for exactly what they were.

Easter was a wild kind of day for me. I had almost my whole family and brother-in-law for dinner along with my daughter's new in-laws.  I had a terrible moment, where I was at the stove and my oldest brother was playing a really obscene song on his ipad. I asked him to turn it off and he wouldn't. At first I joked and said "would you be playing that if Ma was here?" thinking I could shame him into turning it off. Everyone laughed and said he probably would. I tried again and said, "Look, I'm not flogging religion or anything, but it is a holy day, can you please have some respect?" It was loud and truly obnoxious rap music. I just asked my BIL to take over stirring and went outside and started crying. I was so angry and what I was really thinking was that if my husband was here he would have kicked his ass. Then it turned into a big pity party. He did eventually apologize, but I was just so pissed off. It took me a while to shake it off and enjoy myself again.

It did get better and I was happy to have the family around. But each first holiday truly sucks without him.

Marie

 

Posted 4/3/2013 1:05 PM (GMT 0)
My great niece turned 2 years old on Easter, so there was a Birthday party for her after dinner at my SIL's home. I couldn't really bring myself to go to Easter dinner there, but did go to the party. Missed my hubby who was usually the life of the party and always had a good story to tell.

Should have felt good about the party, but felt rather empty without his humor and fun loving (when he was well) attitude.

At work, seems like my memory is gone. I just found out I have been calling the new employee by the wrong name for 2 weeks!! Would be nice if someone would have said something. So today, I need to go in and apologize,,and perhaps explain to her that I lost my husband 1 1/2 months ago and am still not "with it." Hope I get my mind back soon. Miss the ability to think things through. Have been reading a book on Feng Shui, and goes in one ear and out the other. I am just going to keep reading it over and over til I "get" it.

My husband's cat is so so lonely. She is wanting on my lap all the time....especially when I am on the computer. Hope all are getting by. My wedding anniversary date is coming up and really want to make plans to be away from our home for that day. Don't know what I want to do though. My horses and cats are keeping me pretty busy, as I'm not very good company yet for people. Take care all.
Angie1953
Posted 4/4/2013 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Angie.. three years.. and I'm still not good company.. hang in there.. I remember feeling like I was in a glass bubble that would burst at any minute.. breath deeply... your world has changed..


Sandia
Posted 4/5/2013 5:30 AM (GMT 0)
This has been the 2nd Easter since my mom passed, she passed on Good Friday last year. As the one year anniversary of her death approaches, I just keep telling myself to get to the one year mark. My hubby and I went out of town with my dad the day after Easter. Went to visit with my youngest brother. Hubby and I stayed 4 days, dad will stay another week and will be with my brother for mom's one year anniversary. My other brother and I are going to go to Dad's and spend some time with mom on Saturday, as her cremains are at Dad's house. We have all been very happy that mom's ashes are close by, so we can "see" her when we want, instead of having to drive out to where the cemetery is.

Emma
Posted 4/7/2013 4:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the words of support.  Enjoyed today with my ponies. Weather was great so I washed my two little ponies (one is 27 yrs old and one is 4 yrs) and they really needed it after a long winter. 

They both have long manes and tails and looked so good when they were dry.  They both knew it too.  They pranced over to the fillies and then took off chasing each other, kicking and bucking and throwing their heads.  They are characters.  Was good to see such JOY.  That is what I am looking forward to...feeling joy again myself.  Can't get here soon enough.

Looking forward to spending tomorrow washing a few more ponies, hope it is warm enough.  Miss being able to tell my husband all about the ponies antics.  cry    He was a great one to study animal behavior and always wanted to hear animal antic stories.  May the evening be a gentle one for all.

Angie1953 

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