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Wife has ibs and we don't have sex

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Irritable Bowel Syndrome
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Posted 3/18/2013 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

I have been married for 5 years and the first few years our sex life was great. But over the last 2 years we have only had sex 6 time! And only because I initiated it. When we do have sex my wife just says you do it and climax, I'm ok .. Which makes me feel like she doesn't want me. We spoke and she told me since her ibs she has lost her sex drive!

I don't know what to do as I can't live like this and don't feel close to my wife as we never have sex and I don't want to ask her for sex as she often says no, but if I don't ask we never do it. I just feel really fed up and alone. She has time to do everything else like gym etc .. I just feel unloved even though she says loves me. I even started having thoughts she was cheating on me as we never have sex.. Any advise or someone to talk to would be great.
Posted 3/19/2013 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
I'm going to be frank here....when someone has bowel issues, the last thing they think about is sex. I'm not sure how it is for men (because obviously I'm not one), but the vagina and the colon/rectal area are very close to each other. Sex can be VERY uncomfortable for a female when they have bowel issues.

From what you posted, it doesn't sound like she doesn't want you. Perhaps, it just hurts her. It's like sticking your hand on a hot stove....you know it will hurt, but will you do it again? It's sort of along the same lines as that.

Have you tried different positions? Let her pick what ever is more comfortable to her. Even if she doesn't want intercourse, there is always oral. I'm sure you guys will be able to figure this out because after all, she loved you enough to marry you yes?
Posted 3/19/2013 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
I did not have that issue after I started a mild muscle relaxer for IBS. It is more a "What if I need to go during sex or pass gas" that made it hard for me. Mine isn't that bad anymore. Just be reasurring. It may have been a blow to her confidence as it was for me. Work with her and be understanding.
Posted 3/19/2013 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
I feel compelled to point out the differences between the female and male anatomy, in relation to IBS and sex. When a female is having so many bowel issues, be they diarrhea or repeated bm's (what is called dumping), or cramping/pain, the last thing she wants to do is have sex, not only is it unsanitary, each movement makes her feel anxious she is going to have an accident, right there, in the midst of sex.

Think about it, the two areas are side by side and with only a thin membrane in between.

Probably the only way she'd feel completely comfortable without risking an accident is to do a bowel prep. And they are not fun either.
Posted 3/19/2013 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for the replys.. Does any one have names of medications that may help her? Or other suggestions on what we can try or what I can do to help?
Posted 3/19/2013 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Does she have IBS-D or IBS-C?
Posted 3/20/2013 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
That would be helpful info Sherry, I was going on the premise she experiences IBS-D.

One other idea I had was to reassure your wife that sex is the last thing on your mind, that her health is most important. Yes, that's not true some of or most of the time, but I suggest you fake it, for her sake. Until a person experiences bowel issues themselves, they have no idea what it's like to live this way, 24/7 and the anxieties that go along with bowel issues (whatever they may be, IBS-D, IBS-C, Colitis, etc.). If she learns you truly care for what is going thru, I'm guessing her anxiety over IBS will be greatly lessened.
Posted 3/29/2013 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
There are a lot of unsexy diseases, but IBD has got to be near the top of the list. Imagine a full time 'tummy ache' with unpredictable 'goings' and then try to think about 'shaking up' the whole area.

She may have found that 'finishing' can be a risky thing. I would not pressure for that. Nobody wants to go on their partner. (Unless they ask :) )
Posted 4/23/2013 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
That's 100% how I feel.

She loves you. She is not cheating on you. Please have an open ear for her and just taker her into your arms for comfort. She needs it, trust me.

I feel horrible every time I say no. But I can't help it. Urgency happens or the tummy hurts.

I hope you guys can figure it out.
Posted 4/30/2013 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Yep lots of comforting hugs and closeness for a woman can be just as good if not better than sex during this time. She loves you don't worry. Sorry I don't have a solution. good luck. Rosemary
Posted 4/30/2013 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
I would like to respond to this just because I know exactly what your wife is probably feeling! It is not that she is cheating on you(in my opinion)! I have the same issue, my boyfriend probably gets sex once every six months because of my IBS! I can't seem to get a sex drive because everytime I try to have sex it hurts horribly and I always get sick after! You have to understand, its probably not fun for your wife to feel the way she does, did you ever think that maybe she goes to bed wishing she could give you what you want but doesn't want any pain or sickness?? I say that because I constantly go to bed thinking my boyfriend deserves better, he deserves someone normal, that has a normal sex drive! I hope you can become understanding about your wifes situation, I know you are a male and need what you need, but you also need to realize life with IBS is not a fun life, and somedays its hard to find a reason to keep going, so please try to be her reason of why she keeps going!! I hope this helps you to realize that your wife is your wife and you should love her and be there for her, good luck to you and maybe if you have time just read some articles on IBS, it may help you to stop and put yourself in your wifes shoes!!
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