Venting Sorry

Hi All:

I decided I should stop lurking and give you an update on whats going on in my life. First off, I have to say, I've been in a really deep depression over the death of Tash32. I can't believe she's gone and I truly miss my friend Tash. Tash and I would spend many a nights up talking. It's hard to go into chat w/o my friend here.

As for health wise, I'm not doing to good. I'm still having issues with my breathing, sweats, shortness of breath and chest pain. I've got terrible pain in my lower left back. My doctor wants me to a cardiologist again, it's been 2 1/2 years since I last saw one. She said that it's unlikely, but I could have inflammation in my heart from the lupus. We're going to have to rule out things one item at a time. Of course, knowing that Tash passed away from a heart attack. The fact that Tash and I were about the same, as far a health complaints, it worries me that I may die of a heart attack too. My MDS is really kicking my rump as far as needing sleep. I sleep most of the day and night away. I just didn't think it would be bad so quickly. However, the quicker I get sicker, the quicker I'll need to have my transplant. I'm just frustrated and depressed, I feel like giving up. I don't want to go through a bunch of tests again. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'll quit grumbling about it.

Hope you all are doing ok and welcome to all the newcomers. Know that I keep you all lifted up in my prayers/positive energy. Wishing you all the best, please let me know how my dear friends are doing.

Love,
Barb

(((( Barb )))) please don't give up my friend. I know you have been through so much, please know that I am lifting you up in prayer. Hugs and love to you!

Barb,

I can understand how Tash's death has left a huge hole in your life and scared you as well. It sounds like she was the one person who really understood and identified with what you're going through. And when there is so little you can do during the day to bring you comfort, now you've lost that very important friend who was there for you every day. To hear that you may also have inflammation in your heart must be devastating Barb. It's overwhelming even to me just to think about it. Your depression is normal and I hope you give yourself permission to grieve her death while remembering what a good friend you were to her and that you were there for her till the very end. Imagine if you hadn't been there for her in the hours before her death when she was so scared and desperate to reach out to you. You were a good friend to her Barb and I hope you can get a little comfort remembering that.

Are you getting any counseling? I would urge you to do so Barb because you have more on your plate than you can handle by yourself. I think that Tash would be happy knowing that you were taking care of yourself by getting some help.

Remember that we all love you Barb, and that I think about you every day. Whatever you need....I'm there for you. Thanks for letting us know what's going on.

Hang in there sweet girlfriend, and stay in touch.

Love ya,

Pat

Hi sweetie, (((((((Barb)))))), Loosing a friend and loved one is very difficult. Especially when it's unexpected. There is no reason to apologize for venting. If you just stay in the back ground and keep it all inside you will never be able to cope with this.

When you realize also that you and she have very simalair problems it's even more frightening. It could of been you. Facing our own mortality is a very frightening thing. Even though I say I'm ready to go I still knw in the end it will be a battle.

I'm sorry in some ways to know you are getting worse but glad in other ways. At least your doctors will move forward with some help for you. All though we have talked on the phone and I know what all that means with the odds involved. I know Tash had as much to live for as you have but it wasn't to be. I'm sure she is looking at you saying you gotta go on on Barb! You gotta win this one for both of us.

As for your breathing ,sweats , shortness of breath, chest pain. I't could easily be a problem arising but it could be nothing as well. I have the same thing. Every time I cough or make my bed or do any with the least bit of effort I have sweat pouring off my face with chest pains and SOB. I do have some build up of fluid around my heart and some harding of my right side heart due to my breathing problems. But at this point they don't seem to be to worried about it.

I hope they run these tests and set your mind at ease. I'm sure after Tash that you would be even more worried. It's just so not fair to have to always fight every day to just get by.

Let us know how the test go.

you are in my thoughts and prayers

love ya

carol

Hi Barb,

I am Dumplin and new to the forum. I read your post and want to extend my thoughts and prayers to you on your condition and your friend Tash. I recently lost my brother and realize the pain that accompanies something as great as this. I believe that my brother and Tash are in a better place, totally pain free. This doesn't take the pain away from me, but helps me go on from day to day. You always have a shoulder if you need one with me. Stay strong. Regards, Dumplin

Barb, as hard as it was, I'm glad you gave us an update. We all love you and think about you a lot. I can only imagine how hard Tash's death was for you. It was hard for me and I didn't know her very well. I know how close you were to her and how similar your health problems were, so I imagine it was all pretty devastating to you. You are such a sweet and loving person and I wish so much that you weren't in such physical and emotional pain. You are always in my prayers. Lots of love, hippi

(((((((((( Barbara ))))))) Thanks for the update sis . . . it is good to share the good and the bad. You sound so miserable and I know you have endured a lot. Hugs, prayers and some hot tea for you sis. Blessings!

(((Barb))),

   Do your doctors check your sugar often? With the symptoms you mentioned the first thing that popped in my mind was Diabetes or low blood sugar. I know you don't need another disease, so hopefully its something simple causing the odd symptoms.

   I know your dreading the trip to the in-laws...Bless your heart!! I hope the trip won't be too bad on you and they treat you right for a change. Update us when you can and take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

                                        Love you, Babs

Barb, i'm with Patty, you just have to say NO!. I realize that it's hard to not be able to do all the things that you used to do but you'll end up in the hospital again if you don't be careful. You don't need that. Your immediate family is the only one that really matters and i know your husband has seen how sick you are and he will understand. If we could only snap our fingers and choose when we will be sick life would be great. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. If you feel up to it than by all means go but if you don't just say No!

love ya

carol