Husband is cheating

Hey everyone.  I'm so hurt and angry right now.  My DH left open his Facebook account, so I had a look, maybe that was wrong, but there were messages back and forth between him and some woman he knew in high school.  He wrote thing to her like, I love you, I'm falling in love with you.  You are the best thing that's happened to me in years, I can't wait to see you, I want you so bad.  Now DH says he never he had sex with her, but now I just can't beleve him or trust him.  He says her husband is very sick and it was nice to have someone to talk to and that he's so sorry.  Right now I just wish I was dead.  I feel so used and hurt.  I want to leave but how am I going to raise two young boys by myself when I can't even work at this point?  I just don't know what to do.  Thanks for the imput, please pray for me.

Please consider counceling both alone and together. There is a very good chance he has blown feelings of graditude for someone who understands what he is going through way out of proportion and that time spent not talking with this woman would offer him perspective. I know that being cheated on really hurts even when the cheating is emotional instead of physical but there is a chance he really does regret his behavior. The big thing is you need to deal with the anger and hurt however is best for you while remembering you have 2 children who need both their parents. I wish there was an easy solution. I would insist he delete his facebook account and that he discontinue all contact with this woman. Those would be non-negotible if it were me.

Thank you all for your replies. It's so nice to have people who are so compassionate. I don't think it ever got ophysical, I think I caught him just before it got that far. I sent this woman a facebook message, first telling her I'd tell her husband about it all if she contacted my husband again, and then I wrote her back saying that I'm not that petty and wouldn't do that but to understand that two little boys may be left without a father because of all this. To make matters worse, my father in law just arrived today for a visit. I don't know what my DH told him about what's going on, but I'm not going to discuss this with him. I told DH that when hyis Dad leaves, he needs to pack his stuff and leave. I'm willing to go to joint counseling with our priest, but beyond that i'm not making any promises. I'm really amazed at how level headed I'm being, especially when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and beat the crap out of DH. I can't even look him in the eyes without starting to cry again. He went out with his Dad and that's good because I really don't even want to look at him. As far as making him delete his account, well, he can always make another one. So, I changed the password so he can't use the computer at all. PLease keep the prayers and good thoughts coming, I can feel your love and support making me stronger.

Jennifer,

  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It sucks and he sucks.  I went through a similar scenario with my ex-husband.  Just follow your heart.  Anyone who's been through a difficult marriage or break-up can tell you something for sure.  There comes a point when you just know its over.  A weird kind of calm comes over you when you realize that the decision is clear and you just know what you are going to do and that its the right thing for you.  And until you get to that point, anything is possible.  Don't let anyone tell you what to do or how to feel.  Do what you want and take care of you and your kids.  You and your family are in my thoughts.

                

Hi Jennifer, Sometimes these stupid computers can get people in a lot of trouble doing and saying thing you would never dream of doing in person. Your husband is probably in love with the idea of the carefree easy going times of school.

I am absolutely in no way justifying what happened but if you love him and he loves you you both need to do what ever you can to make it work. Not for the kids because I think that's a cop out when I heard we stayed together for the kids. Ask any kid who lives with parents that fought all the time it's no picnic for them. Marriage is so hard sometimes but it can be so fulfilling too.

Like the others said get counseling talk to your preist talk to each other. My husband ands I used to fight like cats and dogs. but when had great times too. Then when I was 42 he died. I wish I had back all those hours and days back that we wasted fighting or not talking to each other. If you want to stay with him fight for your marriage don't look back 10 years from now and say I wish I had tried a little hard.

hugs

carol 

I just wanted to say i'm so sorry that this is happening.  I can't imagine what you're going through.  I will be praying for you and your family.  Hang in there.  Judy

well, this subject touched me. My husband of 10 years had a mental fling with a much younger waitress that flirted with him everytime he when in which turned into everyday.  They started calling , then texting then I found an email that florred me.  "I've never felt this way before," "I think about you every second" " "you are the sexiest women that every lived". These are just a few of the phrases that crushed me.  I forgave him and we moved on, but I never trusted him or believed him and that distrust ate at out marraige.  One day he told me a little lie and I snapped like a twig and threw him out and I swear to God, I divorced him in 3 months.

3 months after the divorce was final, we started dating. Its been 2.5 years and I will NOT marry him. I feel this is the best way for me. Now, the only way I would marry him is if I needed great health insurance,

bottom line, do what is best for you. Maybe I moved to quickly. Maybe I shoudl ahve gone to see someone. I don't know. I do love him and I still have moments of distrust. BUT I CAN WALK AWAY if I want, and that keeps both of us on our toes.

PS, I was partly responsible for his mental cheating. I will never tell him that!!

I'm glad you came to a decision. Although, do read what Nancilee said. She is right. Distrust will eat away at your marriage. Don't expect it to go away, it will stay with you for a long time. I'm still get angry at my husband at times for no reason other than it makes me furious that he did this to me. It is almost like I am the one who has to suffer because of his mistake. He took trust away from me. He MADE me this girl who is insecure, checks up on him, reads his emails, looks at his text messages, and checks phone records. It's heartbreaking to know that I am that girl now and I will never be the way I used to be. I miss that so much. The thing is, your husband will move on. He will think you have too. You might even think you have. And, then, bam, like nancilee said he will lie to you about something small or whatever and it will bring it all back. He won't understand either because it's in the past to him. You forgave him. He won't want to talk about it anymore so you will keep it to yourself and it will eat away. Every now and then, when I am having a perfectly happy serene moment with my husband, it will sneak into my head and destroy the moment. It's sad. Trust is just the hardest thing to get back. Have you seen the movie, "he's just not that into you" The wife finds out her husband is cheating on her and is willing to forgive him. However later, she finds a pack of cigarettes in his pocket and realizes he has been lying to her about smoking and she ends up freaking out and throwing him out and getting a divorce. You are going to need a lot of counseling and make him talk to you about this until he's sick of it. You need to understand what caused this to happen, what his thought processes are that led him to this emotional affair. I almost left my husband a couple of years ago because I found a text message he sent to that girl and it said simply "old times" and she wrote back "good times". This is a girl who he swore he never had an affair with. Just an acquaintance someone who worked for him yet he called at 3 am and used to spend time with her outside of work. Yeah, and I never met her. Some acquaintance/friend. She was a waitress that worked for him. He was her boss. Those text messages haunt me seriously. I know it sounds silly, but they scream intimacy. When I asked him about it, he denied knowing that number. I ended up calling her and finding out who it was. This is what pops into my head when he is being extra romantic and I feel really happy. "old times, good times". I just have this sinking feeling that it was more than an emotional affair. It really eats away at me. If I had found anything that said "I want you" or "I love you", I would of left him. That is just me though. I do not trust easily and I would of never have forgiven him. Look at hard it is for me to forgive him and I have no proof of anything more than a "old times" "good times" and some 3 am calls and a few times going out to a bar after work. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you guys can pull through this and I pray he has realized what an idiot he has been and is truly there for you now as he should be. God bless your family!!

Post Edited (Debbie Downer) : 6/8/2009 7:38:45 AM (GMT-6)

God Bless you and give you the strength to work through this for you and your family.  Only you know what is right for you as you are the one that knows what is best in your situation.  Whatever that might be, I wish you happiness.

Please take care of yourself through this flare.  Will be thinking of you!

I hope everything works out for you and your family. Always remember the look of sincerity on your husbands face. Sometimes we always find it easier to remember the things that hurt us instead of the things that brought us peace. What he did was wrong, but maybe you will now have a new beginning, and your marriage will be stronger than ever. Maybe you should make a point of going out for dinner, or a movie once a week (date night). All the best to you both, and I hope your Lupus gets better.


Julia

Good Luck! That husband of yours is a very lucky guy! I hope he realizes it this time and makes good on his promises. If you ever need to vent than vent away. It will be difficult to overcome and you can't do it alone. If you ever feel overwhelmed by your feelings, understand that it's perfectly normal and don't be afraid to come on here and let it out. Take care of yourself. I hope you feel better soon!

This is soooooo hard. I've made the decision to stay, I do love my husband very much and I know he loves me, too. And we have two very small children. It's just hard to live with the hurt. You know Lupus pain doesn't hurt that much. Yesterday I went to the store and while I was out I thought, "what if he's calling her right now"? Then I thought about how happy he was the day he had lied to me to go meet her, when he swears he didn't sleep with her. How I wish I could get this crap out of my head. We're still going to meet with our priest, we just have to arrange a babysitter first and wait for father in law to leave tomorrow. This suck so much. Last couple of days I upped my pred to 20 mg just to ward off the huge flare that was comming, I think it worked. So far I'm doing better physically, but I'm still so angry that he made me go through this. ARRGGGGHH!!!!

Ive been pretty upset with my finacee to. Similar case. He kept asking for my best friends phone number. I gave in, thought it would be good for him to have more friends since he has few. I let them go out a few times alone to establish a friendship. A few months ago out of the blue I started accusing him of cheating on me. I found out last month, he kissed her. I confronted him, he denied, so I pulled my phone out where I had it in text message and said "you want to try that again or should I show you the text message." He looked shocked, told me it was nothing and it wasnt cheating cuz it was just a kiss. He's more open to me now, and showing me a lot more love like he used to. You are in my prayers while you go through this. I personally refuse him to have any contact with her anymore. Said if she's around and they want to do something I'm going end of discussion to him. He understands. I think he is dumbfounded that I sensed it. When you find that right one, things just uhh clicks you know what I mean, its just too hard to describe it!