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Posted 10/8/2010 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
cry  How do you fight the loneliness?  I don't want this to be another "I feel so sad and depressed" posts.  It makes me sad to hear when other are not well.  My heart really goes out to all of you who are sick and down.  Yet here I am, frustrated and feeling hopeless.  I am almost embarrassed to go into public with my family.  I am missing out on so much but if I go and try to be apart of what is going on I only slow them down and usually come out of it sick and in pain.  My house is a wreck.  I have 3 special needs kids and my husband seems to be slipping further and further away.  Not that I can blame him, I am not any fun.  I swore that whatever it is that is going on with me, that it wasn't going to define me but it sure has swallowed me up and I can't remember what it is like to feel good anymore.  I don't know how to help my family take care of themselves and to take care of the house and I don't know how to find help.  I was always everyone else's support system and now I am sitting here wishing that I could give myself the brilliant advice and fix everything in my life.  I am so alone.  I haven't been able to cry for months and now that is all I want to do.  I can't see and crying only makes it worse.  Yep here's is a "Feeling sorry for myself" post.  I am sorry but I have to just vent..... 

Yesterday, I had 9 big viles of blood drawn.  More tests and these ones worry me.  On one had maybe these tests with give me some answers as to what is wrong with me but on the other hand these are some very scary diseases and conditions to have if any of them come back positive.  I feel like a burdon and there is a possiblity that it is only going to get worse.  I don't know what to think.  I am usually fairly positive but tonight it isn't there anywhere within reach.  Thank you to any of you who read this.  I just had to be heard.... Hugs to all!

Posted 10/8/2010 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
we all have days like that. have you considered applying for hore help from th state most states offer that kind of help you just need a doctor to say you need it.
Posted 10/8/2010 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi jdrea. I wish I knew how many posts I've made re my depression. It took 2 years to get my lupus diagnosis and during that time there were months when my BF (we live together) just didn't want to hear my woes. Most people just can't relate. Since my diagnosis he has become a good care giver.  Coincidentally, just last week I told my BF that I wouldn't blame him if he had an affair. I wasn't fishing for hugs, but I've sure gotten lots of them.

Sadly your husband might not be able to handle your illness, but probably you are both mutually slipping away from each other. The only way to find out is by sitting down with him and telling him how you feel emotionally. Maybe you can also discuss taking anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. I take 5, see my psychiatrist and therapist.

After 7 years of lupus it still defines me. I can feel so worthless at times. I think I'm finally making a little progress and developing a smidgen of the confidence I used to have. Can you believe it's taken 7 years to get that much self worth? I have a very long way to go.

BTW, Redrose is right about seeking assistance from the state to help with your kids. I don't know how old they are but, perhaps your husband will agree to grocery shop or wash clothes to help out. Of course that isn't going to happen if you don't talk with him. I really want to know if you break the silence. Love Ya, Donna

 

Posted 10/9/2010 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
thank you so much Donna and Redrose. You are both right. I have tried a few different types of antidepressants and they for some reason only make my moods worse. The therapists have said that maybe they may be something that I can't handle for whatever reason.
Donna, your are right nothing changes without talking but so often I get the impression that I am making him feel worse if I bring things to his attention. I am not sure if I am really doing it but I am sure that I can find another way of talking to him. for years now I have just handled things because I haven't wanted to make him feel bad for anything but I am finding that we don't share even a hello if I don't say something first 98% of the time. Yes, I am sure that I am guilty of withdrawing as much as he is. Perhaps, I can find some group locally for couples or families with chronic illness. My kids are 11, 15, and 17. They are all in the Autistic spectrum. Somedays things go off without a hitch and somedays hitches are all we get. I will contact the Autism group and see if they have any programs to help. thanks for listening ladies. I appreciate it. Sometimes I just have to get thoughts out there and listening to someone else's point can make me put things into prespective again. Hugs to both of you. Thanks. Jodi
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