am i the only one? a little off topic but not really since the root behind my question is lupus.

I was wondering if anyone else ever questions their ability as a parent because of this darned disease? I slept most of this weekend and my husband cared for our son. I get so little uninterrupted sleep during the week because even at 5 1/2 months old our son still doesn't sleep through the night curtosy of his reflux that I take advantage of the weekends. I know it isn't entirely fair to my husband but I feel so much better after getting 10-12 hours of sleep straight. Heck getting 7 hours straight is wonderful but the 10-12 hours I get on weekends does so much for me. During the week I am lucky to get 4-5 hours in a row which is the longest stretch my son sleeps. Any ideas because I am at a loss on how to get him sleeping longer. He has to be on a 45 degree angle and the doctor says no to letting him sleep on his tummy even though he sleeps better that way.

There is a 20 minute to 2 hour period every single day now when he cries and I can't do anything to make him happy. He isn't colicy, but darned if I know what to do for him during that time so I have taken to walking away after making sure he is in a safe place. I feel like a failure for doing so but darn it all, I can't risk getting frustrated when I am so darned tired. Tired and frustrated moms make stupid mistakes. I will not risk making a stupid mistake. I often wonder if it is because he is so advanced that his mental abilities have outpaced his physical ones. He has met all but 2 9 month developmental milestones and half of the 10 month ones as well. The ones he hasn't met are physical things his body just isn't ready for (sitting on his own and such things) I do my best to keep his mind stimulated but the truth is I am also trying to avoid pushing him before he is ready for things. Which basically means I don't introduce anything above his physical age level toy wise. I read to him and show him pictures and occassionally let him watch educational tv when I am at my wits end.

Does anyone have any advice or know how to make this easier? I am afraid I am failing him in some way, worse that because of my disease and how I am doing that I will not provide some critical thing he needs developmentally be it physical or mental development. I don't want to hold him back any more than I want to push him but I feel like I may be doing just that.

Do others feel like they are somehow inadequate to the job of being the best parent possible because of this disease? Would I still feel this much doubt about my ability to be good enough for him if I didn't have the problems I do? What can I do to make up for the fact I can't do things like get down on the floor and play with him? Will he resent me for having the health problems I do? I hate feeling so unsure of myself as a mother when I know logically I am a darned good mother, that I am even better at being a mother than I am at being a student. Given my recent school preformance though I begin to doubt my abilities as a student as well.

I have two boys 6 and 15 months. The baby still sleeps with me because that's best to get as much sleep as possible. I try to rest when the baby takes a nap, but I always feel guilty that I should be playing with my 6 year old more. For a while, I was really beating myself up for what I just couldn't do, but now I try to take pride in all that I can do. My boys know that I love them, they are reletivly clean, and well fed. The house is decent if not immaculate and even my two dogs and one cat are well cared for. I wish my DH was as good as yours for taking over now and then, but mine is a baby idiot. He can't get him to sleep, change a diaper or even give a bottle. He does great with the 6 year old and takes him out on the weekends and then I get to nap with the baby. Having young children and Lupus is difficult, but try to keep in mind all of those women with Lupus that have so much trouble concieving and carrying a baby to term. Every time I look at my big bouncying baby boy who is healthy as a horse, I thank God. They will have a fine life with Daddy to take them out to play and Mommy always ready to give snuggles and hugs. I read somewhere once that children who grow up with a sick parent are more compassionate and independent. I know that God has a plan and that somehow my children will grow up to be strong and caring people. Like SSDore said, trust yourself and like my pediatrician always says, "feed 'em, love 'em, watch 'em grow." God Bless.

((((redrose))))) Hang in there. First of all, know that you are doing the absolute best you possibly can - that's very clear from reading your post. I don't have any easy answers for you. The only thing I can offer is to tell yourself "this too shall pass". It's really hard right now, but it won't go on forever. Alexander will sleep through the night - sometime in the next few months you'll wake us surprised finding that you have gotten 7 or 8 hours of sleep instead of 4 or 5 hours. And sometime soon you'll find that he's more content later in the day. I kept telling myself that, especially with my daughter when she was an infant because she had reflux and was also very fussy in the afternoons. I agree with you that when Alexander gets more physically developed he'll be happier. That happened with my daughter. Once she could sit up and grab toys and play, she was a much happier baby. Hang in there. Everything I have ever read said it is fine to walk away from a baby who has colic if they are in a safe place, so you are doing fine. Jennifer, I can relate to the whole baby/toddler sleeping in bed with you. With my son (I was healthy when he was little) he always slept in his crib and his bed. I got sick when my daughter was a toddler and she often still sleeps in our room (on a sleeping bag on the floor) because it's just easier sometimes and I tell myself that she is not going to want to sleep in our room anymore by the time she's a teeneager. I've really decided that I need to save my energy and pick only the battles that I think are very important.

(((((Redrose)))))

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We all do the best we can for our children and there is not one, right way. You are actually doing better by your son if you take care of yourself so try not to worry about your need to catch up on sleep on the weekends.

When my son was colicky, I found that taking him for a long, quiet drive in the car while he slept in his carseat was the only thing that calmed him. As soon as he started to whimper and before it became all-out painful crying, we would put him in his carseat and start driving. I know gas is expensive but it might be worth it if you can have a peaceful experience for everyone. We actually did this for months before the collic subsided. I don't know if this will help your situation but it might be worth a try.

Good luck to you, my friend, and try to hold back any guilt you may have about being a perfect parent. Just keep doing your best, sweetie, and it will all fall into place. This time of childhood goes too fast so don't waste it with another minute of worry!

Prayers!

canuckgirl, I am sorry you decided it would not work to have a child. My mother was no mother at all- horror story parent. I do know that love is one of the most important things for a child to have. I have no idea if your mother made it clear she loved you or if you felt that was lacking somehow. I decided that having my husband around and with all the love I have to give that my son would have more than many other kids out there. I actually plan to home school him because of my own frustration with public schools and watching my nearly 14yr old being held back in some areas and pushed too fast in others. She hates school now. I figure I may not be able to play like some moms do but the truth is most parents today don't spend enough time with their kids let alone play the way that I feel bad for not being able to. When I am not feeling especially guilty because of a rough night I know that I am a better parent than 60-80% of the normal moms out there who think that they will have more time when their kids are older or after they make more money. I am not rich and I have fragile health but I do have time and love to give.

Audrey Ann, I wish my son liked car rides. It would make life easier. Since our trip to Virginia in August he thinks his car seat is a torture devise. Car rides bring out the worst fits. I hate being in the car anymore. Irnonically Alexander has had rice cereal in his formula since he was 2 weeks old because without it he cannot hold anything down. The problem is he can't take more than 5-6 ounces at a time when other babies are taking 8 ounces by now. He throws up if we try and give him more. For 3 months he could only have 2-3 ounces at a time so this is a huge improvement.

I am looking forward to the weekend because I feel so ill now with the new meds that I have trouble feeding him. My daughters both describe his formula as smelling like vomit BEFORE he eats it. It smells worse when he burps or it comes back up. I really wish I could have nursed him but even if I weren't ill it would be ill advised because he can't handle milk or soy based formulas. He has that nasty and expensive hypoallergenic stuff.