my husband still doesn't get it

I'm right there with you Renee. I don't think my husband has a clue as to what goes into the management of a home with two small boys, 6 and 2. I'm running after the 2 year old, up and down all day. I try to spend time with my older boy as much as I can, but the baby is so work. My DH has resorted to incompetency to get out of things. If he does the dishes, he loads the dishwasher with food all over everything and does it so haphazzardly that half the stuff sits in the sink until I redo it in the morning. He can't seem to make a bed, change a diaper, fix the kids food, or even pick up after himself. It almost seems like his lack of consideration has gotten worse since I've been sick. My mom suggested that his way of dealing with me being sick is to toatally ignore it. It's like if they can't fix a problem they just ignore it or give up. We have been very blessed in the fact that he's had just enough work to keep us afloat, barely. He's a painter and work is few and far between. Men don't handle stress the way women do, I think that's why we have and raise the kids. When he hits lulls in work, he sleeps in until noon while I drag my painful butt out of bed to take care of the kids. There are so many things around the house that he's supposed to fix or take care of and he just doesn't seem to want to move when there isn't any work. So I bust my butt and he wonders why I'm too tired for any kind of intamacy in our lives anymore. But here's the thing, I love him so very much and I know it breaks his heart to see me suffer and there is nothing he can do. I think he go and beat up my doctors if he thought it make me wll again. Things are really tough financially for alot of people these days and it's so hard to see any light at the end of this black tunnel, but I know that things will get easier for me as the kids get older, but he will always have the burden of supporting us since I'm no longer able to work. SSI is in the second appeal stage and what a help that will be if we get it, but he will still have to go out and find more work. He has even considered driving to FL for a couple of weeks to do work for our parents and thier friends who live in Miami.Maybe try talking to your DH if he wants to make a job change, find something that really interests him, and something that could give him back some of the self esteem he lost along with his job. My dH is a great gutar player just as he was when I met him in highschool. I've encouraging him ti write more songs amd he even strarted playing live at abar in copperhill TN. I haven't been to seem him play up here yet because i'm the one home with the kids. I truly look forward ro just getting somr friend to comr over wantch the kids so we can go like we real couple. it would be our first night out away from home without the kid in 6 years. Whoa, I 'd better stop , the ambine is kicking ig and this typing is taking forever. Maybe you could offer some encourgement, getting him talking about what he really wants to do and then look at what he can do very well and see what types of jobs he could come up. If he can find something he could be excited about doing even as a hobby, it may help brighten his spi*** enough to relize his many strengths and feel more confifendt about tackling the weaknesses. My hubby doen't do so well with soul search, sometimes I have to tell him how proud and am of his music and his job skill and just a little day by day. Your hubby may need some help finding his own self worth and he may not realize that for a woman, a settled house is a home. Sorry about thr ramble, just toook my ambien and it's making me foogy. I'l check in tomorrow to see what other have wrote. God bless, stay strong and stay healthy.

Hi! Renee, and everyone,

Please be comforted in knowing that this family problem is common to those of us with invisible diseases. There is even a website <butyoudontlooksick.com> where you can find The Spoon Theory, which is a wonderfully explanatory story about living with lupus. When I was first diagnosed, after living SO SICK FOR SO LONG, my teenaged daughters, who were less than kind and understanding on a good day, and had been snarling at me for years that I would feel better if I got off the couch and just got some exercise, said they found it hard to understand how sick I really was. I vote with Ginny! Life is all about balance, and your marriage, your life right now is horribly skewed out of balance. Please try and separate yourself from the chaos of your move. Get a to do list started, get a few good nights rest... and then in the way you would have to eat an elephant... one bite at a time, leaving his laundry unwashed, his food uncooked, his stuff undusted.... pick a corner of your house in a spot that will be comforting to you, like a window, or kitchen corner, and from your to do list, pick 3 things at a time you can carry, clean, organize. Then do only that, don't get sucked up into a frenzy to get it ALL done....eat something nutritious, take a relaxing bath or shower, go to bed, and eventually the chaos will be managed. Remind yourself that you can do nothing to force your husband to do anything, that has to come from him. Don't waste anymore energy on trying. Pick your battles, You only have control over how you react to things. And we all know, we ain't got enough energy on a good day. Hugs,

sue

Thank you all for your help and support. I told him I wasn't going to do anything for him anymore....but I have said that before. Since we have 2 children I have to cook anyway but I won't be doing anything extra for my husband. His insensitivity runs in his whole family because his sister has lupus and she lives in Florida with the rest of the family. None of them believe she is as sick as she is even though she has been on disability for 7 years and hasn't been able to work for 10. They all tell her she is lazy and addicted to pain pills. So she is moving to Boston to be near some cousins on their fathers side of the family who want to help her. I have learned with my husbands family that if they aren't feeling it then it isn't important. When my husband is sick or has a pain somewhere you would think he is dying. He goes to bed and stays there until he is better. But his attitude really makes me feel he doesn't really love me.

my ex was that way . . .

weed the garden, feed the chickens, clean the chicken coop, clean the house, do my laundry, his laundry, my kids' laundry, his kid's laundry, do all the cooking, get up at 4:00 a.m. to make his lunch, make dinner every night, make dinner for his friends if they choose to show up at dinner time, plus work at least 40 hours a week because "everybody has to work and do their share".

His share? Go to work for 40 hours a week and kick back with a minimum of a 6 pack every night with his buddies . . .

my solution? i waited for him to leave for work one morning, packed my stuff, my kids and got the heck out. left the ring on the table with a note saying "nothing i do is ever enough for you". he begged me to come back, promising me the world and as soon as i said "no" he threw a tantrum like a 2 year old. that is when i knew that i would never go back to him because things would never change.

my hubby now is so much more supportive - although outsiders looking in say i treat him like a maid. really i don't, but we just have a much more manageable division of duties. he knows that i am tired, he knows i cannot do anything in the way of much physical labor otherwise i am just too worn out to function. if i need anything, i just say "honey, can you help me, please?" he does his own laundry, we alternate nights on dishes and cooking, i dust, he vacuums, i clean bathrooms, he takes care of the yardwork (his idea cuz he hates cleaning bathrooms)

maybe there is some way you can talk to your husbands/boyfriends and just explain to them that you realize it may be alot to ask of them, but you are just so tired and you need some help and when you have to constantly ask over and over again for them to help you, it makes you feel like they don't love you or care about you . . .

sometimes i think that men are oblivious to what goes on around them . . . they expect us to be strong for them and take care of them, but they don't always realize that we don't have endless energy and we need a little taking care of too . . . we are not their mothers or their maids . . . we are supposed to be their partners and have every right to insist they help us.

take a break, do something for yourself that makes YOU feel good! massage . . . bubble bath . . . chocolate . . . nap . . . whatever it is, spoil yourself a little and let hubby/boyfriends rot if they won't help you!

Hi everyone,

I finally got him to bring a FEW things in from the garage yesterday.....but he hasn't taken anything upstairs yet. I had a nightstand and some boxes that needed to go upstairs and they are still at the bottom of the stairs. But I guess I should count my blessings at this point...lol Thanks for all your support. You are all so great!

i'm so glad he brought some things in for you! even if they are not where they are supposed to be yet . . . maybe you can pull the knob on the washer to start it for him once he gets his clothes in there ;) just joking . . . i really hope he comes around for you and starts pitching in to give you the help you need.