Having Such A Hard Time

Gosh I just can't seem to get any relief with my pain levels. I have taken it easy all week by doing nothing extra. I did go to my rehab sessions, but even those were very difficult and not just due to my pain levels. As I was walking on the treadmill my Oxygen levels dropped to 83%, it took almost 5 minutes before I moved back up to 90%.

I just feel so bad, I think I feel like death warmed over. Even though I'm not 100% sure what death warmed over feels like. I called my primary care Dr and she wants to see me Tuesday afternoon. Of course, I'm having my cataract surgery on Monday sometime. Guess hubby is just gonna have to accept we will be at the hospital most of the day Tuesday.

I honestly don't know if I can continue to hold on. I have been fighting my RA/Lupus/Fibro for so many years now. The Leukemia is just making my situation so much more difficult. I'm missing my parents so much right now and with my daughter so mad at me. Well.......I just feel like there has to be a better place than here right now.

My therapist and talked a lot about my passing away and how I thought my family would handle it. I think they would adjust okay. I mean don't get me wrong I know my family loves me and would miss me, BUT I also know what it's like to take care of a loved one who is chronically ill. I didn't want to see my Mom pass away, but watching her suffer like she did was so hard. When she took her final breath it was bittersweet, part of me wanted to die with her. I thought how will I ever manage without her, then in the next breathe it was relief I felt, that she didn't have to suffer anymore. I truly believe my family would feel the same way about me.

My daughter is really having a hard time that my Dr's can't keep me comfortable. She resents them, thinks they treat me like a lab rat, and then is mad at me for allowing them to treat me that way. I just don't know what to do. I want what time I have left with her to be good memories and happy times. As it is now, she's unpleasant to me to say the least. Even hubby tells her not to speak to me in that tone or way. It goes in one ear and out the other. She's been traumatized all the way around and I feel responsible. Please say a prayer that things improve for her and I. She's 20 and I don't want her hating me and then I die, she'll feel badly about that.

Thanks for listening, I just need to unload at times. I'm hurting to much to sit here anymore. So I'm off to bed and to take some pain medication. I hope you all have a good night that is low in pain levels and a good nights sleep awaits you.

Hugs,
Barbara

DX- RA, Lupus, Fibro, LGL Leukemia, Pulmonary Hypertension, Bells Palsy, Gastroparsis, Blood Clots, Cateracts, Glaucoma, Chronic Pericarditis & Pleurisy, Severe Anemia. Way to many medications to list.

Praying u feel better luv

I am sorry you are going through this. As I have told you I am on both sides of this at once. I am very sick but I also care for my mom and she has been having a very tough time lately. I cannot imagine my mom being a sick as she is now when I was going through my angry phase. As it is I am both angry she is sick and angry at myself for not taking better care of her.

My mom has dementia which I blame on her having electroshock therapy. So I am angry with the dr who convinced her to do that and with myself for not stopping her. When things with my mom usually come to a head it is because I am feeling inadequate in some way. I am not caring for her properly or guilt for putting myself first. Sometimes that even cause me to withdraw from her. Sometimes I do not know what the right thing to say to her is so I stay away or get defensive. But really I just want to make the rest of my moms life the best it can be and to get as much time with her as I can.

No one in my house gets me either. I just got dx so I am very scared and confused. So I will say something to my husband such as if things are this bad right now what will they be like when I am 60? Most of the time he just doesn't respond. Sometimes I just really need to hear that just because it is this bad now doesn't mean it will always be this bad. Also I need him to assure me sometimes that he is not going to leave me over me being sick. He does not deal well with sick people and he did not deal well when I had just UC so I am terrified now. He will get annoyed and say that I should know he isn't going anywhere.

Anyway if you want to you can email me.

Barbara,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Its hard enough to deal with chronic illnesses let alone family problems. Not trying to stand up for your daughter's behavior but as a young woman who dealt with a lot of heart ache at a young age, we tend to lash out in anger. Its just a way of dealing with it. I'm sure she loves you very much, this is just a lot of emotion for her to deal with. She probably feels like she's losing her mother and that's a lot for her to process at 20.

On that note, I'll be praying for decreased pain and a calm heart for you. And understanding and peace for your daughter. I hope it all starts to get better soon! I'll be thinking of you!! Hugs, Nicole