I Feel Terrible

Ok I'm going to vent a bit I'm sorry in advance. I have to say I feel so dog gone bad it is going to drive me into the nut house I swear.

My foot, back and fingers hurt me so badly it just seems no matter what I take or do the pain won't let up for me. Why, I have no idea, I'm think I'm being punished by God or higher power that's out there. The radiation burns are all the way down to my hand, where my thumb attaches to it. I'm taking Motrin for the throbbing and the swelling, of course, I'm not suppose to do that being on blood thinners.

Then today when I finally got a hold of the Orthopedic clinic I was told that the Foot and Ankle Dr's will be out of the office until January. The nurse recommended that I contact my PCP and have her refer me to see a civilian Orthopedic for my foot. According to my PT Therapist it's my peroneal tendon that's causing my issues. So, now I have to fight to see someone to fix this foot and quickly. My pain is so bad on it at bed time I can bare, the pain is a solid 7 or 8 out 10 at that time.

My lower back is in terrible shape, the PT Therapist requested that my PCP write a prescription for me to receive a Tens unit. After my sessions he usually puts the electrical stimulation on my back with heat and I feel really well. It's just to bad that it only last me maybe for about 1 to 2 hours maximum. Then the muscles are back to being really tight and burning. The new muscle relaxer that I'm on doesn't seem to touch any of my pain period.

Of course, ALL of my joints HURT, I don't think I'll EVER come out of this flare. It just seems like the medications I've been taking have stopped working for me. I'm not sure what will happen as I can't get into see either my PCM, Rheumy, Oncologist, or anyone. Ugh, I swear having so many patients under one roof isn't always a good thing. It's just to hard to be seen when needed. I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I beg every Dr that I see, fix me, make my QOL better, DO something for me, make it go away please. I always, get I'm sorry we just don't know how to fix you, hang in there we will find a cure someday.

I'm dreading Thanksgiving too, my spirits are very, very , low. Bill has decided that he's not going to cook this year our Thanksgiving dinner. I think he's not feeling to well, he's been going to bed really early most nights. Anyway, he said to much work and I'm not going to do it. I'm not well enough to do, with the burns on my thumbs and all the other stuff well......I'm sure you get the picture.

We decided okay, we'll not cook but go out to a buffet for dinner. Daughter is coming home for the holiday and I tell her our plan, and I get, "I'm not going out to a buffet for dinner, you can go, but I'll fix my own dinner, I only want mashed potatoes and gravy with crescent rolls".

So, now I don't even want to get out of bed on Thursday, why bother I say. Thanksgiving, was my Mom's favorite holiday of all of them. When she passed away in 1998 it lost some of it's spark, but I kept things going for my family and of course my Dad was still alive. Well, now that he's passed away in 2011, I have NO parents alive anymore, my siblings act if I'm not alive, Bill doesn't want to cook, and daughter doesn't want to participate with anything. I guess I feel as if my family has fallen totally apart and I've NO IDEA how to put it back together.

I mean I know I can't help how my husband and daughter are personality wise, but it's so clear and sad for me. They just aren't into being really close and telling you they love you. Or visiting one another every year, the last time I saw my In-laws and daughter saw her Grandparents was Aug 2011. How sad is that really, I feel as if I've failed somehow. I tried to teach my daughter how important family was and how much it matters to show your love for them. Instead, I get a cool immediate family, even though I tried my best to show all this it didn't compute and she went her dad's way anyway. Bill, also informed me that we're not celebrating Christmas either, as daughter has to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas and if she can't come home there's no reason to put up decorations.

I have to say I'm very depressed tonight and very disappointed. I'm fighting like heck to stay alive for my husband and daughter and yet they just seem like they've disengaged from me. I talked with my therapist about this and she's thinking this is the only way they can cope with whats happening to me. It's so hard though, I'm lonely and scared. I need them to show me they love me and support me I'm having so many fears about what will happen with my hospice at the end. Okay, I'm gonna stop before I get myself to worked up.

Thanks for letting me rant away for a bit. Sometimes, it's just a matter of letting it all off. I know that I can always count on you all. I want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and I hope that you and your families have a wonderful celebration, meal, and many happy old/new memories.

Hugs,
Barbara

Oh Barbara (((((((hugs))))))

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry that you're so miserable and down. If I were you, I would tell your husband that you want to go out to dinner, and let your daughter wallow in her own feelings.

As for Christmas, I agree with Joy. I would decorate anyway. You could do a little one day, a little the next day, etc. until you get it done. You don't deserve to have to be sick, and put up with the crap that your husband and daughter are putting out.

I sure hope that you can get your pain down a little at least. God Bless You my friend.

love and hugs
Loretta

I'm glad you did get to go out for a meal and your daughter joined you. I'm sorry you were so sick last night. Did the warts look like they are gone?

Hey Barbara,

I'm sooo sorry for all the pain you've been in since before Thanksgiving. I'm glad you were able to have lunch with your hubby and daughter though.

Lynn, thanks for the update.

Barbs, I'm sorry about your thumbs. Please take care of yourself. I hope you will get some pain releif soon. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

UA

Hi UA, and Laura.

UA thanks for checking in on me and for the prayers. How was your Thanksgiving UA? I know you mentioned about having a hard time since your Dad passed. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry and if you ever want to talk about him, please feel free to email me. My Dad passed away in May 2011, he passed before I could get to him, very hard to cope with. my Mom passed in June 1998.

Laura, it sounds like you Thanksgiving wasn't the happiest of them. I'm so sorry that your Dad's cancer has returned. Then for them to have to put the dog down must have been so hard or them. I can imagine what you were feeling and the stress that WAS building up for you.

You must take care of yourself, it won't help your parents if you are to sick to be able to drive down to them to help. It's so hard when our folks get old. My Mom died of lung cancer in 1998, this past Nov 9th she would have been 90. She was determined to die at home and I was running back and forth between her home and mine which were 12 hrs apart by car. I was totally wiped out by the time she passed away, at that time I didn't have a DX, so I wasn't being treated for my lupus.

Please make sure you get plenty rest and take time for yourself if you need. If you need to talk at anytime, please call me. I'll be more than happy to sit and listen offer a shoulder if needed.

Take care to you both and know you're in my prayers.