I'm such a burrden, people like me less now, I told sissy I don't want to wake up, she said nothing.

For those of you who are new to my posts, I have Hashimotos disease, hypothyroidism, asthma, heart condition (which I already know I need 1 surgery for and I have an ultra sound to see if I need to get a surgery I was suppose to get checked for 2 years ago.) I have chronic unbelievable pain. A severe t9 compression fracture thats caused a curve. A lot of pain & tension in my muscles around my spine. Muscles hurt, joints hurt, everything hurts. I have had 2 drs suggest I have fibromyalgia, possibly arthritis too. I feel so ill all the time. I can hardly do any housework. I have passed out before, I have collapsed just after putting a few clothes away. There are days I feel like I'm going to die. I am waiting on an apt to find out if I have Lupus and scleroderma.

I was suppose to find this out at the last apt with my endocrinologist. He lied to me, told me he'd go over the results and acted like there is something wrong but when I got there he said he's not going to tell me because he didn't order those tests. Which he did order, the rheumy scratched them out & put it on his lab results. I am firing this endo because he lied to me a few times. He said he was doing a test to figure out what's going on with my swollen esophagus. The lady at the place of the test said this test wont even show my esophagus, it's more of a test to see if stuff you drink goes back up in your throat after drinking it. The endo said the test sowed nothing as to why my esophagus is swollen, I told him what the nurse said & he just said there's simply "no reason" for my esophagus being swollen and I'd have to see a different specialist. I asked for him to check for nodules, he said IO don't have any, he didn't even check so how does he know that? I told him my concerns with levythyroxin, that my levels fluctuate, I said I've read it could be hashis and graves, he said hashis & graves is the same. What no they're not. He said he wont help my tired levels or weight gain because those aren't because of the thyroid. He "lost" my blood work. A lot more to say but too long.

I also found out that my rheumatologist is concerned/worried that I have...*deep breath*....lymphoma....(cancer) I saw cancer kill my mom and great friend. My birth mom died of cancer too. The other test from what I can read, like if I'm reading them correctly, these other tests came back ok. So since I still don't have a reason as to why I'm feeling as misserable as I am, I am terrified that this test is going to come back positive....in fact, I am scared of death.

After the terribly stressful endocrinology apt and thinking about how hard it is going to be for me to get to my dr's apts. I'm only going to have 2 days out of the week to schedule apts on, 8 a month, I had 8 apts in two weeks, some days I had 2 apts on. My in laws are getting sick of taking me, I can tell, I see the annoyed looks on their face, I hear the comments my father in laws making about it being a waste of time going to the dr & how come I have to go all the time. He is making comments implieing I am faking or something. I call my in laws mom & dad, my father in law was so touched when I asked, he told me anytime I need something not to hesitate on asking, but ever since I started having to go to the dr all the time and having all these diagnosises thrown into the air of what holds my future, he acts like he doesn't want me to call him that anymore. I'll say "dad" and he'll say "dad?" in a tone as if to say "why are you calling me that?" When I asked him what he knew about Lupus, he said that he wouldn't want to be next to someone with Lupus. :(

My husband is understanding and not at the same time. He doesn't want to have to take me to all my apts, he is getting sick of hearing me complain that I don't feel good. He get's irritated that I need so much of my pain medication. He is getting irritated that I no longer do housework.(I don't do it because I don't want to, I can't) But then there are times hes really supportive. Such as when I didn't want to go to my cardiology apt because I was scared, he soothed my fears. There are times I'll push myself to work and he'll tell me I best sit down or I'll pass out. The other day he was super supportive. I had a complete breakdown and he listened, he had a "I'm so sorry" look on his face, he tried comforting me.

Now about my sister. I don't know about her, when I was in the emergency room because I thought I was having another inferior infarction she texted me the whole time and was really concerned. She sometimes tries helping me in a little ways, I know she loves and cares about me but sometimes I just wonder how much. It had been 3 weeks since I was last at her house, which everytime I go to her house it's to clean her house, she use to pay me but now she just "invites" me over and then says something about needing to clean. I had updated her on how my apt went. about an hour later she asked if I wanted to come spend a few nights over I said sure. Her husband was being mean the entire time, she asked him why he had me come if he was going to act like this and he said and I quote "to help you, you wanted Jennie's pills" (I am prescribed 10/325 hydrocodone. I try to not think that's why she wanted me to come over. She has stolen my medication on several occassions, as well as her husbands. I am smart about it now and keep them in my pocket and on me at all times. Anyways, I conforted her the whole time. I even slept in the garage with her because her husband said she couldn't sleep inside, he said I could but I wanted to be the supportive sister. Anyways I sent her an e-mail letting my frustrations out about the endocrinologist, how much of a burrden I feel, how stressful and scary it all is. I told her I have gotten to the point that my husband would be so much better off without me in this world. My in laws would be better with me not here anymore. That I feel like I'm going to die soon, that my body is attacking me and I'm losing horribly. (I have a high level of antibodies) I told her that I don't want to do this anymore. I felt like I didn't want to wake up anymore. I made a point of texted her telling her I sent an important e-mail. Guess what she said it response...."nothing" she didn't say that but she did just say nothing, no reply, it was sent 3 days ago. :'(

Hello Jennie--

I agree with Joy's sentiments, and can definitely feel your pain. PLEASE see someone about your depression, even your GP. Mine was a great help to me when I thought I was at the end of my rope. Acquaintances see me as outgoing and happy, but that's not the "inside" me. My doctor was very surprised to see me having a breakdown in his office. I am SOOOOO glad I started taking Cymbalta. Seems like it started working the first day. My mood has become pretty much stable--and I even have quite a few happy inside" moments. No more "end it all" thoughts. I did have to increase my dosage, but no side effects and definitely worth it. Please take care of yourself and try to surround yourself with at least one caring person--who may very well be someone outside your family.

Jan

Joy: That's a really good idea, getting a caretaker. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. I guess because I thought caretakers were for senior citizens, totally disabled people or people who are passing away...like I thought you had to be real real sick to get help from a caretaker, or un able to care for yourself. I see what your saying about my sister, I agree with all of you on here about her. My husband has told me several times I shouldn't let her use me like that or give her so much help when she's not there for me. I don't know what it is that I can't step away...I guess because her, my niece & nephew are all my blood family that I have. There's my brother & grandma too (which reminds me, I haven't called her in a while. I should give her a call...I don't know if I want to tell her how my health is though because I just don't want her to worry. I'll let her know once I know for sure of everything.) about the depression and commiting myself, I just can't do that, I've done that so many times before and every time was treated like I was just some nobody lab rat. Pumped me full of too many anti depressants. I can't take anti depressants, I've tried every anti depressant out there and they made me more depressed, in fact I was fine until my dr put me on an anti depressant. I appreciate your in put though.

Jan: I have tried cymbalta, it was a disaster for me. :/ the only anti depressant I ever felt like really helped is Celexa, but it stopped working not only that but it just turned my brain into mush. I would do weird things in my sleep too, I'd wake up and find myslef sitting up combing my hair with my fingers in front of my face. Another time I woke up and found an empty bottle of my tranquilizer medication half empty and my water bottle open...I ended up accidentally over dosing. That wasn't on Celexa but Wellbutrin which is the one that got my depression started. I do have pretty much a whole script of Celexa my dr wanted to put me on an anti depressant to deal with separation anxiety but it made me depressed too because I was given it when I wasn't depressed. I hate this depressed feeling though because now I feel like I could get use out of an anti depressant but I'm afraid it will make things worse because I hadn't had self harm thoughts in a long time, it's been years then all of a sudden after being put on Welbutrin I got those thoughts. I have a feeling getting a caretaker might help my "end it all" feelings since I wont have to feel like someones problem anymore. Thank you for your input. :)

Diane: I agree & disagree with what your saying. I know, I really do need to get away from my sister. Her & I go back & fourth. I'm so desparate to have a relationship with her since I don't have many blood family at all. Well, then again I just don't have much family. I do, but I don't. I use to have my foster mom & foster dad, back when I was little my foster grandma was so nice, there's my foster brother, uncles, cousins. Now there's a couple uncles left, some passed away (of course my closest ones) and some just didn't see me as family anymore after my grandma sent me to go live with my sister at 15 1/2 (which she let her husband kick me out maybe a year later, didn't contact my social worker either. Put me on a bus, sent me to my blood grandma who sent me with my blood aunt then I had to make living arrangements from there. Great summer though, at 16, no adults in charge of me staying a couple weeks here then travel elsewhere....anyways getting off topic, I tend to do that.) A lot, no majority if not all of my cousins stopped seeing me as family too. My brother & I just started talking again in Jan after years and years of no communication because loosing our mom hit him hard, hit us both hard. My grandma & I talk here & there. The other family I have is my husbands side. Another reason why I stay close with my sister is for my nephew. That poor kid is in such a horribly hostile enviroment....her and her husband fight oh I'd say 23-25 days out of the month, sadly I'm not exagerating. They don't always just have verbal fights either & my nephew hates it. Plus my sister & her husband take their anger out on him, not hitting him....gosh I hope not....but they're not nice to him. My niece and I are all he's really got for support, comfort and possibly a safety net. He doesn't open up to anyone so the fact that he's always wanting to spend time together, skyping, venting to me, I really want to keep close with them for his sake too. I know he's not my problem but I just couldn't leave him. He's only 14 he has felt so isolated & troubled probably since he was 11, I think that's around the time he would come to me for support. I've lived with them off and on & when I had lived with them whenever they would start in on their daily routine of fighting he'd come to my room & ask if I'd go with him on a walk somewhere other than there. I don't think you were necessarily saying to get away from my husband but if you were then I will have to politely disagree there. He's been the most supportive guy I have been with. He knows everything about me, every horrifying detail of my life story. No he doesn't show emotional feelings much or well, but there are times he will listen to me breakdown and try helping me pick myself back up off the floor. (figuratively speaking). He has stayed with my mental outbursts/breakdowns, my relapses, my constant irritated, down right angry moods, has tried understanding my health. Yeah, he's got some rough edges to him but what guy doesn't, no ones perfect. His family, well it's been an interesting relationship journey with them. First his parents seemed fine with me then things went real sour then things got good then great all the way up until I started having to go to the dr all the time. His mom is way more understandings & tries not taking it out on me, shes even told me that just because she is upset with my dr's and having to go to another, unexpected apt that day, didn't at all mean she was upset with me, she said she knew it wasn't my fault and that shes sure I am frustrated with everything too. She told me she doesn't expect me to keep the kitchen clean or keep up with house chores especially if I'm feeling really bad/sick. Now, although I do want to keep close with his parents, closer to his mom than his dad but that's how it's always kind of been. She's just more understanding, less strict doesn't have moods where shes mean to everyone in the house. I do still feel my husband and I need to get out of here. We live about an hour from San Fransisco & that is where our hearts are at. Problem is we just don't have the money. It's so hard to save money. Bills, necessaties, food, pet care, medical bills, prescriptions-some very expensive ones too, one of my medications is $240 luckily my insurance covers $200 of it. I'm not even sure how much these specialists are going to be & my insurance deductable starts over on April 1st...I was told it started over in January....now that I've got my specialist in order and tests coming up and surgery needed I'm going to be back down to my deductable being at $0 ballance and I can't get much help from the insurance until the $300 deductable has been met again. ~Sigh~ There is still more I would like to add but my brain is in a fog, could be meds, could be from being tired & it's the end of my day finally.

To all of you & whoever else is reading. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate all your kind supporting words. So sorry I type way way too much, once I get started it's like I just can't help myself. On a happy note: it's my husbands weekend and for once in the last I think 3 weekends in a row (this is the fourth) we finally get to utilize this time to sleep in, which is much needed for me. There's no dr's apts to get up for, no where we need to go, it'll be nice. Thank you all for reading my long long messages, thank you for your replies and thank you to the future replies. You all are such great deserving people. <3

Sending Healing hugs, love & prayers your way.

((((((((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))))))))

You've had a bumpy road in life. I hope you can find the right combination of balance in your life. I'm glad your nephew leans on you for support.
Try to avoid the toxic part of relationships as much as possible. You can love sister from afar when she's being at odds.

watchmans moon: Thank you, that is really kind to say I am a sweet lady. Thank you for the article, I will check it out. Best wishes.

Joy: Hugs recieved and returned. :) I am glad he leans on me for support too. He is very delicate, very sensitive to, I have to be careful how I say things to him. Yeah luckily his parents don't seem to care if he's out & don't really ask where he''s at, so if I am able to get a ride out there I would be able to meet him else where to hang out.

Diane: Yes, I know you didn't say anything about my husband, I was just expllaining who I'd like to stick with is all. It hurts to have his dad act like he doesn't want me to call him dad anymore. :( I was really happy to call him that. I miss having a dad. Since I lost my foster dad (the only dad I knew as my dad) at age 6 it feels like I never had the cance to call someone dad. In my home videos I am calling him dad though so I guess I did call someone that, I just don't remember it much.

Vickie: Yeah that's true, I didn't think of that. But at the same time, I don't know, it still makes it frustrating that no matter how much comfort I give her, she wont comfort me. Plus, she use to text me, and reply to my texts. That was before I was invited over after she heard about the new medication I am on. Now ever since then she wont reply to anything I say & when she doies reply she says shes been working a lot or she'll text me later. Even when she worked a lot she would reply. So now I feel like she is mad at me maybe because I kept my medications on me the whole time. I try not to think that she only wanted me to come over for a chance at getting my medication. But all odds are pointing yes. While I was there she tried getting me to change into sweatpants. (I always sleep with my jeans on at her house because that is where I have my medication in) She said it would be more comfortable than sleeping in jeans. She also said I could take a shower there the night befor I go home. Which was a good idea since I had two dr's appointments early that mnorning. Right after I was dropped off my mother in law and I left for the appointments. So I thought, yeah ok. But while I was in the shower my sister comes in and says she needed to use the bathroom. I can't help but wonder if she went in to try and go through my jean pockets. I don't know if that was the casae since I opened the shower curtain to ask her about the swelling in my ankles and feet. (Yeah my family & I are "open people" I guess, just comfortable with being exposed around each other because we know we're family and are going to be lookjing at each other. If that make's sense. My husband thinks we're weird, & well we probably are. lol) Sigh, I don't want to believe that she wants to steal my medication, I keep thinking to myself" I can trust her, I don't have to keep it in my pocket." but my husband tells me I will be sorry if I don't keep them in my pocket though. Before, when I use to leave my medication in it's bottles & leave it in my purse I would notice medication missing. I am a paranoid person...one of the conditions I have causes it. I also am OCD and am always doing pill counts when I'm around other people. But I would tell myself, no I'm just miss counting. (even though there would be up to 30 tabs missing) Then one day while my husband and I stayed with her and her family for a while to help her move to a different house, I opened the bedroom door we were staying in & I could have sworn I saw her hand in my purse, she pulls it out and is acting nervous, shaky and like "oh no I got caught" behavior. She starts playing with my dog and says she was in ther playing with her. Pk why do you need the door closed to pet my dog? I still try and think to myself "maybe I saw it wrong, it could have just looked that way" Whenever her & I fight about it se always says shes never stollen my medication. She swears by it. I want to believe her. But I also think about the fights her & her husband have about the same problem and she swears by it to him too even though shes stollen his meds right in front of me. I also think, "my SISTER wouldn't do that to me" (I capped sister not as yelling, just as emphasizing) I'm probably just in denial though because like I said all odds point to yes. (or however the phrase goes.)