Feeling pretty sad right now...may be slow healing process

Hi to everyone. I just experienced Wednesday night and Thursday what I have dreaded for a few years now. (Marji, if you're reading this, you'll see exactly how I knew just how you felt when your little dog passed away not long ago.) This really doesn't have anything to do with lupus, but I thought I'd share so you'd understand if I'm a little inactive for awhile. Wednesday night was a complete nightmare for me. Prissy (A sheltie that looks like a small Lassie, my dog who was about to turn 12 years old that I've had ever since the car wreck that disabled me) started sneezing in the bedroom and came all the way through the apartment sneezing hard <snip>, I'm sure she was trying to get to me. I got her down in the kitchen floor but she continued sneezing blood on me and all over the kitchen. It just broke my heart! <snip> I didn't know what to do. All of the vets offices were closed and I knew that they really were out of ideas without an endoscope anyway (which they didn't have a small enough one in there office). I had already spent $350 trying to get her nose taken care of back in June. She had already had a Grade 2 Sacrcoma (cancer) removed a couple years ago; I'm now sure with those things that came out of her nose she also had some type of tumor in there as well. (The vet had already suspected that anyway.) It has continued bleeding lightly since back in June when they did all that work on her, just to a much lesser extent than this. Her nose finally clotted, but she was still having a hard time breathing. She would go through spells where she'd seem okay and then that trouble breathing would happen again. <snip>

I called the vet early Thursday and with very little sleep we ended up taking her over there and having her put to sleep. I know she had to be in so much pain. I have never seen that much blood except on TV in some murder crime scene. I just knew that even if I was able to keep her going just a little longer, that this was going to keep happening and at least 2 of the dozen lumps she had on her body were growing larger in size and would have to be removed as well (also probably cancerous). I just feel SO sad without her. She really meant the world to me. I have had her since just after my accident. She was a lot of company to me when I could not drive and had to stay home so much. I feel like a part of me died with her. I keep questioning my decision even though I know that it was the right thing to do. Just her daily care was becoming such a job, especially since the bleeding started back in June. She wouldn't come and get me to take her to potty; and when I would set alarms to take her, lots of times she'd just lay there and I'd actually have to bend over and physically help her stand to go outside. When I would put her food down in the mornings, I would have to do pretend "magic tricks" to get her to eat and when that stopped working I'd have to get in the floor and put the food in her mouth by hand to get her to even eat. I am just very sad right now. I am just trying to remember the good times and keep myself distracted as much as possible. It's really quiet here in my apartment, so I don't like staying in here for long intervals because my mind drifts to thinking of her absence. All of this is why I may not be very active here for awhile. I will try to keep up by reading your posts, but I've already seen some things I wanted to reply to and just couldn't gather my thoughts enough to do so right now.

On a lighter note, I had my appt. with my rheumy yesterday. It was another nice, relaxed appt. with him taking time and going into much detail in answering my questions. (I thank goodness that I took the time to finish up with
those and get my questions all written out last Sunday so I didn't have to worry with all that Thursday.) I explained to him what happened with Prissy and how important she was to me. He wants to give me a couple of weeks before we try to taper anymore. We will also wait to see if any other problems arise when I taper and do more blood work then.

I am hoping that you all are doing well. I will try to keep up to date with reading your posts and slowly try to begin replying again when I can gather my thoughts. You guys are the greatest, I am so glad I found this forum.

<snipped some bits out for extremely graphic content?

Post Edited By Moderator (Lynnwood) : 9/22/2007 7:12:36 PM (GMT-6)

(((Sharen))) I'm so sorry about your dog. My heart breaks for you. I am extremely attached to my dog so I know how much pain you are going through right now. I just wanted to give you some hugs. Please don't feel bad about the forum, this is a very hard time for you and we are here if you need us.

Take Care

sharen,
I am so very sorry to hear what you and Prissy had to go through. It is so very hard to let a pet go and you need to take time to grieve your loss. Our pets are family, confidants, and so many days a reason to get out of bed. Isn't it amazing when they know we don't feel good and stay close to us. The memories you have of her will comfort you in the days to come. I'm sending you warm hugs. Take care of yourself.

Hugs,

(((((Sharen)))))

I'm so sad for you right now. Prissy sounds like she was a wonderful companion and it took courage on your part to take away her pain. We're faced with the same prospect with our sweet and gentle Sister who's a 13 or 14 year old rescue dog that we've had for 10 years. She has lupus, is deaf, and has cataracts. She's such a wonderful old dog and i know that her day will come sooner than later. But your pain is right now and I agree with Rosie, go ahead and grieve your loss.

Love,

Pat

Hello to everyone. Thank you SO much to every single one of you who replied to my post about my Prissaloo. Thank you for sharing your own painful losses as well. I don't know what I would do without this forum. I know I don't know each of you personally, but you each speak from the heart and you would not believe the comfort that provides. Certain members of my own family are aware of my loss and know better than I was able to explain to you in my original post how much Prissy meant to me, yet they say very little and some don't even call at all. I just don't understand how disconnected our world has become. I am taking this very slowly. I went to a local florist and purchased a real wooden cross that is stained really pretty. As I talked with him about Prissy, he made a beautiful, puffy ribbon bow with pink flowers coming out of either side of it to affix to the cross. My bf buried her under the trees at my mom's where we've buried loved pets in past years. I can go visit and just sit under the shade of those trees any time if I need to. She was my baby. I know God gave me Prissy at a time shortly after my wreck when I needed her company awfully bad. She has had her own share of health problems through the years and I think that was what helped her be so gentle and understanding when I needed her most. It just came to a point this week when I could no longer bear to see her suffer for my sake. I had to give her back to God to take care of her. That was honestly the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. The ONLY thing that my sanity rest's in is knowing that my sweet baby who has been there for me for so many years isn't limping around and licking the blood from her nose like she's had to do since June. I am sitting here now crying like a baby, but I know this is part of the process and I just wanted to send a heart felt thank you to each one of you.

Sharen,

I'm so glad your bf was there for you. The spot at your mom's sounds just perfect. I'm so happy for you that you found a beautiful cross that pleases you so much.

As so many of the others have said, I too have special family members of the four legged type in my family. With each of them but one who had a tragic accident, it was a condition that led to having to have them put down. We also we able to have a lovely spot to bury them and that really help ease our pain.

Cry your tears but trust that in the weeks to come you will be able to remember her with love without sobbing (just a few tears) and eventually a sad smile. She will always, always be in your heart.

xoxo emmie

Hey Sharen, I thought of a poem that someone sent me when our Chelsea passed.   Thought you might like too.  Here is the link:  The Rainbow Bridge Blessings!

I wanted to share a poem with you as well... I think its very beautiful

I Stood By Your Bed

Thanks so much Des. You guys are awesome! I printed that one too. There are also some great pet loss resources in the "links" section at the bottom of the page. I really appreciate you all. Thank you,

Hi, Carol. Just seeing your name made me cry (before I even read your post). I've missed you! I'll be glad when you're back. Take care of yourself. I don't think you need to worry about me, everyone here has really reached out more than I ever imagined and that has really been comforting. Right now, I am just trying to force myself to realize that I did what I had to do so my stupid brain will just leave me alone with the guilt. I think my head injury must play some part in this. Surely normal people don't question themselves this much? I'm sure this will get easier as more time passes. It's just really slow going right now. My emotional roller coaster has sent my blood sugar sky rocketing even though I'm following my "good foods" that I found to keep it under control. I just hope I am doing better emotionally in a couple of weeks because that's when I'm supposed to start the new taper. Thanks for dropping me a note. Take care and we look forward to your return,

Hi, Pat. I really appreciate everyone's support. I know this forum is for lupus issues and I am trying to get past this, but it's got me...bad! I have never grieved so much or so hard even over a person before; but then fortunately I haven't experienced too much death. I just really took Prissy for granted because I guess I had her for so long. She really helped me so much after my accident and even since this lupus took off. I miss her and I even miss how tiring it was becoming taking care of her. She really meant the world to me. I really thank you for reaching out. This has got to get easier. It has been a week tonight since the big incident and I only have more week before I am supposed to start a new taper. Any prayers for settling my spirit over this would be much appreciated.

Hi, Rosie. I did much better today than I did yesterday. I thought it was going to be another really sad day because I woke up in the same sad shape I was in when I went to bed last night. Fortunately, my bf was here and he sat down with me and let me have a good cry and seriously talked to me about what Prissy was going through, how he knew from how he saw her go down especially since the spring of this year that I did the right thing, and we also talked about how very special she is to me. I think it really helped me to get it all out again. We've gone over it and over it already, but he said we could talk like that just as much as I needed to. He also pointed out that it has only been 1 week. I don't think I will ever consider having another dog. Not only has it become physically too much for me, but I don't think I could ever feel as close to another one. I cannot put into words just how Prissy connected with me. I think God picked her for me with all her health problems because he knew of all of mine to come. Thank you for your special understanding. I appreciate every single word that everyone has shared. Thanks so much,