I'm scared.

A lot of what you have described sounds like what I was going thru w/ Amox.  So I HOPE this means herx.  I don't believe I was fearing I would die (except for that 'S' word that I won't listen to). But I had a lot of fear that I needed to go to a hospital or that I would do something drastic, like try running away.  Or sitting down and never getting up.

I felt completely mentally instable. If that is a part of what you are feeling, then you must hold onto the fact that it is this disease and NOT YOU.

When others say the doxy causes depression, do they mean the doxy itself or the herx is causes? 

I skipped several doses of the amox here and there because I feared it was causing a herx that I could not mentally handle.  Sat and Sun I felt much better, so I don't know if the Bb has gone into hiding or if the Amox is finally helping.

Considering the way that you are feeling, perhaps you should skip just 3 or 4 doses or so and see how you feel.

I am nowhere near as ill as you, yet I have an understanding of a lot that you are feeling.  It is a living nightmare -- I don't know how else to put it.

I/we really don't believe that you are going to die, and even if this thought keeps interrupting in your mind, try your best to ignore it.  Tell it to stop outloud.  I am beginning to believe that Lyme has the ability to put horrible thoughts in our heads.  Messes w/ our minds something fierce.

Skip some doxy, do a little detox, get a good rest.  Your head needs a 'rest' as much as your body needs the abx.  You can go back to the doxy (unless you need to change abx) again once you feel a little relief.

I wish I could show you my journals from when I was first diagnosed and first started treatment. They are identical to your posts. I was you exactly. I was terrified daily and lost myself due to the neuro symptoms. I couldn't think and I just didn't feel like me at all. I ended up bed ridden for I got so weak and my neuro was so bad that even the phone ringing would set me off into a frenzy panic mode. I thought all the time that I was going to die and that I would never be myself again. It was the scariest feeling I have ever had in my entire life. Well, the good news is, that I did get better and all those symptoms went away in time. The bad news is, it took a long time and it was a hard battle to go through. I wanted to give up so many times and just lay down and die already, but I continued on the abx (which made me so much worse at first). When I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did and eventually it started to get better again. I was 23 at this time and living at home and had to have someone with me at all times. I was on abx for 2 1/2 years before I was 95% better and could stop. It took about a year before I noticed feeling any better and was able to start exercising which just helped my progress so much. The second year on meds I exercised and was able to do more around the house and go outside. By the end of the 2nd year and into my 3rd I could go out again (I didn't drive yet alone), but had to relearn how to live a normal life again. It was awful and I feel for you so much for where you are in your treatment and in the illness, but stay with it. I was on Biaxin/plaq. It was hard to take knowing I would feel worse, but I knew in the long run it is what I had to do.

You can get through this. It may not be quick or easy but you can do it. Just stay with the meds no matter how bad you feel. take it one minute at a time on the really bad days. Keep family around you and good people and disregard those who don't want to wait for you to get better. I lost some friends when I was at my worst because they didn't want to wait but I don't miss them now and have made so many wonderful new friends when I got better. I have gone on now to get engaged, had a baby and just bought my first house. All things I didn't think were possible back in my 20's. I am 34 now and I still get sick from time to time, but nothing like I was and going through the hell was worth it to get to where i am now.

If you ever need to talk, feel free at any time. I have literally been in your shoes so I know exactlly how you are feeling and just how scary it really is.