Hi everyone,
I'm new to the site but I needed to find someone who could understand. I guess I just need to vent a bit to people who wont tell me I'm acting crazy.
This is my third major relapse and I just can't seem to muster up the motivation to tackel it like before. The first time I spent so much time learning and trying new treatments. In the way that sick people find humor in illness, it was intruiging to me. The second time was not so bad because I knew I had beaten it before.
But now, I am sick of starting my life over. (This is not the only medical problem I have) For the last 10 years I have had to discover a new path for my life over and over again. Everything from school, career, family, friends, and digging out of a mountain of debt.
I'm not just sick of working at it, I am angry, hurt, depressed, in dispair, and honestly hoping what ever medical problem comes next is terminal. I am tired of watching people live from this prison that is my body. There is never an escape, no activity that just for a moment blurs into the background. Even alseep the trerror comes.
Today I thought about making a t-shirt that said "I forget everything, except that I'm sick". Then I thought about it and decided it was too much work. In fact everything is too much work anymore.
Will there ever be an end? Will I ever get to have a job for more than a few months again? A house, someone who doesn't run, consistency, money to cover my bills? There will never be a day when I will be healthy again, but will I ever be able to be independant again? Content?
I used to be determined, now I just lie in bed and cry. I feel uncapable of life. My new course of meds have all proven too much for my body to handle. A quarter of a pill inflames my brain to the point that, beyond the unbearable headaches, it pushes on my eyes doing permant damage even with the glacoma meds. (No I don't have glacoma) How can I get better if I can't even take the meds in oral form?
I just want to scream till I explode and everything disapears. I long so much for human contact. But I can't talk to people because what is important in their lives seems mundane and irrelevant to me.
I am seeing a shrink, but she just looks at me funny whenever I talk about Lyme and ups my antidepressants.
I hate that everything that comes out of my mouth is bitter and angry. I hate that I get pissed at the grass if it grows because it's healthy, and I get pissed if it doesn't grow because it's not sick. And getting pissed at grass makes me feel like an idiot.
Anyway, enough. I'm tired of trying to type or spell.