DONE, seems like no hope.

I don't even know what to say.  I am a mess!  Mood swings/rage so bad, I shouldn't be around my kids right now.  I have NO patience with things that are just typical kid stuff.  I hate myself, my life, and even my family at times.  I beg God for help, and even beg Him to take me at times.  I was raised by a crazy mother, and still hate her for her actions.  Now this is how my kids are growing up. 

Who knows if it's lyme, hashi's, or my biggest fear, I trully am crazy, bipolar, psycho, whatever. 

The past 2 weeks have been the worst I've felt ever.  Stomach sickness, and intense pain in legs, back, shoulders. 

The only thing thats helped over the past few years was an antidepressant.  Had to abruptly stop it when it went from $150/month, to $600/month.  Taking 5htp, but doesn't seem to do anything. 

Not really asking for anything, I just have no one to talk to.  I'm seeing 2 Dr's who are the exact opposite, and disagree about everything.  I wish things were easier. 

 

I did a search for natural antidepressants, and saw St. John't wort. Can you tell me how you took it? How much, how often, etc.

I'm not open and honest with anyone. I guess it's easier here since I don't actually know people. That plus, I just don't care anymore. I feel like I've ruined my kids already. I don't take care of the house, it just piles up, and no one does anything about it. Table is covered in dirty dishes...from Monday. I've been in so much pain that when I get off work, I lay on the couch. My husband doesn't care enough to pick up the slack, so it's still all there! So I eat to cover up my problems, and NO, it's not gluten free.

I had taken doxy for a few weeks, then stopped, because I hadn't fully bought in to the idea that I have lyme. It's so controversial, I'm not sure what to believe. I got my rx filled today for the next antibiotic (starts with a c???), so maybe I'll try again.

I work with children too. Seem to have patience with them, but not my own at all.
I really don't want to tell my kids I'm sick. I tell them I don't feel good at times, but not sure about the other.

My husband knows I have hashi's, but when it comes to lyme, he thinks my dr is a little extreme, and doesn't believe it's lyme.

Diet: I understand what is healthy, and could teach that class. I'm just completely controlled by emotions right now. I even joined an "Overeaters Anonymous" class to try to help. I have however gone through periods of time where I've gone gluten free, and have eaten very healthy, for up to 3 months at a time, never felt any better during that time. My symptoms cycle in and out, and so far don't seem to be effected by my diet. I'm not saying I don't need to change my diet, I do for sure! I've gone through times where I've given up on diet and eaten like crap for months. Oddly, I feel fine. This past flare up (lasting 2 weeks so far) started after 2 days of hard labor work (not typical work for me) along with a lot of stress.

Insurance: Yes, I do have it. I have a $5000 deductible where I pay 100% till that's met. I don't have that amount saved up, so $600 a month isn't possible right now. I keep having these "out of control" episodes on the weekend when I can't call a dr. I think about asking them to switch me from Cymbalta to something else generic. However I also want to try the more natural methods (until these times come, and I'm willing to take anything). I do see a LLMD (first time in Feb), and I go back in July. They don't take insurance, and INS doesn't cover him. I paid him $1000 for first visit and some tests, but that doesn't even go to my deductible, so it's frustrating. I'm working full time in an effort to get out of debt, but now I'm paying so much medical, that we are not getting enywhere.

I want this time with my kids. Lately, we are dealing with horrible behavioral issues, and it kills me. They are perfect angels with anyone else, but very difficult at home. Hmmmmm, wonder why. I blame myslef for everything. My oldest has aspergers, and needs a more stable home. My youngest may be heading towards a diagnosis, currently every symptom of adhd. They are 9, 5, and 3.

I'm trying to find a counselor, but having trouble finding the right one. I've tried several before, but they don't understand. How would I find someone who understands this, or a neuro/psych?

My husband knows my mother, and assumes I"ve just inherited and learned all of this from her. He doesn't buy into the "chronic illness" idea. Honestly, that's why I cannot fully commit to believing lyme either. My mom has a lot of mental issues, so who is to say. Maybe this is just who I am, no lyme, just mental! These are the thoughts that push me over the edge. I've never been diagnosed with any "mental illness" other than depression. Hearing it could be due to lyme, gives me an "excuse" which is not good either. It makes me feel better thinking that there is a reason, but that doesn't help my children at all. Unfortunately, I don't see much hope reading lyme info either. It appears that most on these forums are still trying to find the right treatment 10-20 years later. That they feel better for a while, then it flares back up. That's how I am without any treatment anyway. My symptoms are much more extreme during any significant part of my cycle. Ovulation week is crazy, week before period is crazy, and week of is crazy. I typically have one good week a month. I just hate this!

When I was considering starting St John's wort the dose my ND suggested was 500mg. Let your doctors know you are taking it. From my ND, she said that they were concerned about how St John's is metabolized by the liver. The studies haven't really shown anything, so she doesn't see any issue with taking it with antibiotics, but she did say to be aware just in case something weird happened.

I understand exactly how tough this is. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up over not being perfect!

 

Diamblessed,

I'm sorry to hear things are so rough right now!  I have been through (and am going through) rough times, as well. 

A couple of years ago, when my reproductive hormones were out of whack I had bad mood swings for a few months, and blacked out frequently with normal activity.  I also had trouble with depression and anxiety most of my life, only to be cured of it when I detoxed from most of the mercury that was in my body.  I tried St. John's Wort and know it helps some people, but it was ineffective for me.  The mercury was absolutely key for me.