Reading these posts takes me back. Not very long ago, I was where many of you are now. Severely ill for over 8 years, homebound for over 5, in horrific pain 24/7, abandoned by the medical profession, no hope of recovery...watching my life and the world as I knew it distort and slip away, and feeling like I had lost my soul to this disease. I didn't even recognize myself or my actions; or feel part of the human race anymore.
The physical pain and loss of cognition was unbearable, but the feeling of disconnect, and loss of my human-ness was indescribable. There was a constant deep grief over what felt like the loss of my spirit, or essence...everything that made me what I "thought" I was. Nothing was familiar. I missed my own company, and hated the stranger I had become.
What I didn't realize, was that there was a deep metamorphosis taking place. Nobody could've convinced me of it at the time; in fact, it was suggested to me a few times, but I adamantly denied the possibility. Even the suggestion infuriated me. This was just too tragic to have anything good come from it. But, I was wrong.
The good news is, there is a way through. I am well now, and if it is possible for me to attain wellness in the state I was in, it is possible for others. You don't have to have a good attitude (I spent a lot of time yelling at God and the Universe), but, no matter what, you have to keep yourself on the planet until things turn around. This is your job. Keep searching, and keep taking care of yourself the best you can, because you will get through this, and when you do, you'll be glad you kept yourself here.
Hindsight is an amazing thing. I am now starting to see why this happened to me, the purpose of it all, and a slice of the amazing "master plan". I have been granted a glimpse of the "birds-eye view", and I wouldn't trade it for anything. There is a connectedness that I didn't have before. I never thought I would actually say I was grateful for the experience, but my life has been incredibly enhanced by the experience in ways I could have never predicted or imagined, every single day.
I hope this gives you hope and something to look forward to...