Had my first experience with 'depersonalization' and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!

Awww, Shabbychic!
I'm so very sorry that you too have had this experience. As you noted, it's not something pleasant! I got 'stuck' there for a couple of years (not constant, but most of the time), which was really scary.

Hang in there!!
Sending big, gentle (((((hugs)))))) and some healing, comforting thoughts to you!

Ahh Shabbychic -
I am so sorry you are going through this. I too am there but with a different form of anxiety. I am struggling to get through it and know that this is not me. I'm not like this. My husband got to listen to me cry my eyes out twice today (after my little one went to school and after she went to bed). I'm awaiting some OB results to rule out any complications there (OB suspects nothing) and I've gone to worse case scenario. I too have to remind myself (or actually fight with myself to convince myself) that I'm not dying any more then any other normal person.

That had to be such a scary experience. I often look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I've lost over 50 lbs (much needed but haven't weighed this weight in over 15 years), had so many ups and downs. Right now I'm battling a vaginal yeast infection and tons of fatigue, body temps down in the upper 95 degrees range and just some zapped energy. I want this Christmas to be a great one as it's the first time my little one is getting excited about it and her birthday is a few days after Christmas. I just can't get it together.

Know that I'm sending you as many positive vibes your way that I can. I wish I had some Xanax. I guess I'll just head back to some meditation to see if I can snap out of my own brain. Best of luck and hope that things get better.

I don't know if this will help but I was given a little note card by a yogi that said something like 'Happy little experiences/things come to me each day.' I keep the card in my car where I can see it. I try to use it to help me find at least one good thing in my day every day (like missing the rain by a minute when I forgot my umbrella in my car!) so that I can break the mental cycle of anxiety and/or depression that I can sometimes get into. Maybe those words will provide you with some smiles on days that are tough.

Thanks so much everyone. It does help knowing that I'm not the only one. It makes me feel *slightlly* less crazy! Lol so far no more out of body experiences but definitely on high anxiety alert. My poor kids. They watched me bawl my eyes out twice yesterday. I'm so grouchy and irritable, I've been snapping at them so often and I feel so guilty for it. But I just feel so lousy. Am still in shock that this is even happening and it's been 7 mos. I've been so healthy my whole life. Am I doomed to suffer the second half for getting to enjoy good health for the first half?? I was feeling really good for a while and now I just feel like I'm in this downward spiral.

I hope everyone feels better and thank you so much for your support! I'd be lost without it.

Sorry you're feeling bad too Tickled! Thanks for your kind words. Keep warm and feel better soon!

Hi - depersonalization and derealization, to me, are the ABSOLUTE WORST symptoms to endure...I have had them on/off for most of my life (age 53 now) with long periods of not having them at times - many years even. Turns out, it has been Lyme and it kindred causing it, but I did not know same until the fateful (late) diagnosis in June 2011. I think it's also a particularly dramatic symptom of EBV - which I had in high school and am now undergoing my 2nd reactivation in the past 18 months.

On one hnd, the best way to counter these are to remain as engaged in life as possible and just "pretend" things are okay. On the other hand, DON'T overdo it either as the body needs rest....that balance is tough to gauge sometimes....

Yazzer

Hi trav:

Just peeked in for a bit. Been treating steadily and taking some breaks along the way. Up and downs abound. I still run 20-25 miles/week and I think that helps a lot with detox. And I do not run SLOW - usually under 8:00/mile up to 8 miles at a time. I ran a 5K Saturday in 20:55! My best time in 4 or 5 years! I finished 2nd with over 100 people racing. Not bad for a 53 yo "OLD guy"! a guy who was 21 tried to catch me at the very end but I blew out my lungs to stay ahead of him (j/k). That said, I still herx and have tough symptoms at times. But I still try to engage life as best as possible...along with the running, I make it to work every day for NASA, get out and about to social events and attend to my duties as Chairman for the Board of the local university library. All this keeps me somewhat sane through a difficult illness.

My latest treatment includes a lot of Buhner's stuff from his new "Herbal Antibiotic" book. Cryptolepsis is awesome but can rock my world at times. Plus eleuthero, red root (lymph drainage), licorice (for the EBV), japanese knotweed. I also still pulse my regular abx every 2 weeks. Steady progress forward with generally an upward trend but with soe setbacks along the way. Best I can do having had this stuff nigh on 35+ years! Hope all is well with you!

yazzer

Shabby - I am not bragging, and I have my "poor me" moments - sometimes a LOT!!!!   LOL. But, in the end, I am a tough old southern boy who grew up in the country. While that very thing caused me to get bitten by literally hundreds of ticks over the years, it also gave me the undying fortitude and just plain old stubborness to push ahead. That said, my major issue can be pushing TOO MUCH, TOO QUICKLY. We all have to learn where our thresholds are - thatdelicate balance point between doing ENOUGH and not doing TOO MUCH as we progress through our treatment journey. And to make matters more complicated, that so-called threshold changes with time as the dynamics of our illness change!

I can go from lying in bed, depersonalized on to another planet and in a crying depression "fit" to running a 10K and whooping peoples' asses in a running race in literally a day or two (and then back again). Cripes, this is one starnge and wondrous journey we're in!

Traveler, it's so good to hear that you've come so far! So does that mean two down one to go? (Or were there other co-infections)?

yazzer-

I love how the 8 minute mile is taking it "slow" for you, lol! Oh how I wish I could run again! I'm so glad I read this thread...I used to be a runner too...like you, always pushing myself, always outside...Ahhh what freedom! Now here I am laying in bed wondering when I'll decide to change out of my pj's (it's been 3 days and counting, but not the same pj's, don't worry...I just shower and throw on a new pair :))
...fingers crossed I start treatment soon!

Btw I grew up in the south too...wouldn't change it for the world!
How long have you been sick, and at what point were you able to run again yazzer? I'm totally envious/inspired. Maybe I'll shop online for some new running shoes today, just to get them ready...just in case! :)

Here's to hoping!

Lymer - I have had Lyme probably since at least age 17 (I am now 53). Back then, in 11th grade, I had weird depersonalization attacks, trouble concentrating, sense of foreboding, panic attacks, depression, you know the routine. Ran agambit of tests and the conclusion was! Wait for it...it was all in my head! I was stressed because college was coming...so I marched along thhinking that stress was it and that I was a borderline nut case. I would get better - completely so - for 3, 4, 5 years at a time and then get another flare-up of symptoms - usually around major life stressors. So, off I went to counseling and tried anti-depressants as suggested (never worked) and anti-anxiety pill (they worked somewhat, probably alleviating the layer of worry I put on top of not knowing wht the Hell was the matter with me!) LOL.

Along the way, I pushed myself, got degrees in Electrical Engineering - both BS and MS and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I was always fit and healthy until I lost a son to SIDS in 1993 and I just went into a shell and tried to eat myself to death I suppose...ballooning up to 280 lbs by 2002. I have two healthy daughters who were born before but the tragedy of losing my son was very tough. But, I woke up one moning in 2002 and got outside in my shorts and "ran" 3 miles - it was awkward and slow but I did it. I did the same the next day, and the next and, before I knew it, I had lost 50 lbs. Then I began to enter local running races and took off another 30 pounds - 80 lbs total over the course of a year and I have maintained that weight loss for almost 10 years now. In those ten years, I've run something like 16,500 miles!

I think it has helped with my treatment tremendously - esp. for detox. I think a lot of us Lymers, have either so much toxins within us and/or a genetic predisposition that makes it difficult to process toxins out of our bodies that we get overloaded very easily - and hence, severely symptomatic. When the liver, lymphs and kidneys are overwhelmed, the skin can be a great alternate pathway to utilize to dump toxins - saunas, running, baths, etc. - SWEAT them out!

Anyway, to finish my Lyme story, in Jun 2011, I was feeling run down and having a feeling that I was gonna have another "stress" flare-up. I was stressed at work (I work for NASA and we were developing a proposal to send a payload to the space station - me, the Proposal Manager), for some reason, I had decided it was a good idea to try and run 2011 miles in 2011 so I was in the midst of that and also began a position on the Board of Directors for a local University - lots of STUFF. Plus, I cracked a tooth in the back of my mouth...no biggie, right? Nobody could see it so I waited a couple of months ot get it fixed. Turns out, it exposed a mercury filling and it was situated right next to a gold crown. In my electircal engineering classes they teach of a galvanizing effect when two different metals are put into proximity to one another in a liquid, causing an electrical current to flow...and it also caused teh mercury in the filling to leach directly into my body. Stress, toxins, etc. And I developed this funny looking bulls-eye rash! Well, off to the ER I went and got a positive diagnosis for Lyme. I was thinking that I got it EARLY so, no problem, right? Well, then I started having the same sysmptoms of all my previous flare-ups and I put 2 and 2 together...my issue for years has been LYME. Turns out, the bulls-eye rash can occur as a latent reaction many years after getting bitten.

So, the long answer to your short question is - Lyme for at least 35 years...and most probably Bart and Babs as well. As far as running, I was logging 30-40 miles/week prior to the big diagnosis and pulled back to half as much . I even stopped running for about a 2-3 month period early-on but felt TERRIBLE. Again, I think running helps me detox and, once I ramped it back into my routine, I felt better. Still, I struggle with not doing too much and doing enough with the running. I now run 15-25 miles per week. I just did intervals on the treamill here at lunch - a heavy workout and I felt very sluggish at the start but did them anyway. Now I feel great. But, I will probably herx some tomorrow. So it goes...


BUY THOSE SHOES! Set little goals for yourself - walk 1000' in them at first, then add as you feel better. Back-off some if you do not. But get to know what truly is "BAD" and what is just a symtpom of the healing crisis...you'll figure it out. BUY THOSE SHOES...hope springs eternal.

Post Edited (yazzer) : 12/13/2012 2:14:05 PM (GMT-7)

BUY THOSE SHOES!!!