Am I getting worse?

Hi justme, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Just remember these are temporary feelings, and you will feel better (I have to remind myself this often). Your post is very articulate, so your mind can't be as bad as you think. I also feel like my husband is getting fed up with my lyme, but after watching Under Our Skin he seems to have a better understanding of the disease. Maybe you and your husband could watch it together if you haven't already.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Wishing you some good days.

Thank you both so much, I started to cry when I saw what you both wrote. I just feel these seizures are taking away my mind, I get confused so much now. I had brain fog before but this is so much worse. I spoke to my doctor about it yesterday. He said my body is in bad shape, and it's going to take time, but I will get better.

My husband has been there since day one, and I really think just seeing me go through this is so much for him to take. He is the one that drove me from doctor to doctor , and now that I can't drive he doesn't complain. Today I was just really off, I couldn't hold a conversation, I couldn't walk, I just felt so desperate.

I think the final straw was seeing a letting stating my employment is fighting me against the unemployment. I did not quit, I just asked for short term disability that I paid for, they were the ones that sent me a email saying they were terminating me, then tried to turn it around like I quit. I just lost it.

Its hard for me to depend on other people, I have always been the one taking care of everything, and now I barely make it out of pajamas. I don't want to lose hope, and when I went to the new doctor he had this big sign up that said HOPE, it felt like I was suppose to be there. I don't know. I know I am really sick , he explained it to me yesterday , with my blood count and liver. I also did not think it was going to be easy , I just didn't realize it was going to be so painful.

Maybe I am harder on myself then anyone, I don' t know, I just get frustrated when I can't say what I need to , and I get so mixed up.

Thank you both

Justme

Hi Justme,
I too can really understand what you are going through right now. It absolutely beaks my heart. I have yet to figure out if we experienced the same seizures, but everything else you describe I have experienced as well, right down to feeling like a failure.

I'm here to tell you though that #1 and most important - you are not a failure!! You are ill - very ill. You are in the fight of your life right now, now is not the time to beat yourself up!

#2 - Your hubby is handling this. He at least has seen who you are without these diseases! He's been with you this far, no reason for you to believe that he won't be there all the way through. I had the same concerns about my hubby - we hadn't been married even a full year when my little bit of health suddenly left - just left, yet he stuck it out for 13 years with me being the sickest I had ever been. I'm a little too embarrassed to tell everything that my hubby had to do for me when I was at my worst. The good ones are really hard to knock down!!

#3-Unfortunately, businesses like us to be ever so loyal, but when it suits them, they will kick an employee to the curb in a heartbeat....especially if there may be future expenses involved!

#4 - If there was ever a time in your life that you need the help, it's most likely now. Girl, your sick!! Take a good hard look at your life right now. If you had a very close friend that was going through the exact same things - all of them - what would you say to her? Toughen up? I doubt that. You are a very kind, caring and giving person. You would be the one saying the same things that are being said here in my post and the others.

You don't have total control over your body right now. The OCD and other things aren't you - it's the disease. "You" will return when the disease starts to leave.

And last, but not least - never, never believe that you wont' be every bit as good - or better- than you've ever been! You will or have learned already) some amazing lessons about life and how important the little things can be. You will likely have more compassion than ever now, and so much more!!

There is no way I could have ever taken on taking care of an 85 year old man with moderate to severe dementia - and believed I could do it all for this man - before having gone through what I have. Now, I just know that this is what my life has been about. It's been about me learning enough in life to help my Father-in-law (whom I love as if he were my own Dad) through this final phase in his life.....even though it includes the difficult situation with dementia.

So your life will never be the same, but it's likely - very likely- going to be much fuller, and richer. All you have to do right now is heal. Take the time to care for yourself as you would a dear friend who was as ill as you are. Say those things to yourself that you would say to that dear friend when things get tough - hang in there!! You'll make it!!! & so on. You are soooo worth it!!

This is one tough road to walk for some of us, but you're not alone. You are one tough lady and you'll make it!!

Thank you all, I think it's just been a rough few weeks, and I was having a mental break down or something. I am always had a fighting spirit, and I am not going to let Lyme disease knock me down. I just have to rest more, and worry less.

justme

Post Edited (Justme4508) : 2/7/2013 5:53:44 AM (GMT-7)

A lot of prayers are heading your way. I see its tough whether you have a mate or not. Praying for complete healing and to get back to your life soon. I'm with a couple of folks on here...if you don't like what your doctor is saying then move onto the next one. We don't have time for folks to not know what they are doing. It's so scary but you're going to make it!

Peace and blessings to you!

Justme,

You are so very ill right now. Go easy on yourself! Trav is right-if a friend of yours was sick like you are right now, what would you tell her? Think about that and then take your own advice. Be kind to yourself. My mom has a lot of wisdom and she always tells me that on my worst, sick days, to treat myself like I would treat one of my children if they were this sick. Would I tell them to get dressed and go to school? No. Would I tell them to toughen up and clean up their mess? No. Would I tell them that they are lazy and incompetent. Absolutely NOT! I take my mom's advice now. On my worst days, I remind myself that I will get better, that this too shall pass, and that I'm doing the absolute best I can. Be kind to yourself and give yourself that; you deserve it!

Also, This is a time when you need to ask for help. As much help as you possibly can from friends, family, neighbors, your kids friend's parents, basically anyone that is willing and able. That's been a big lesson for me through my own illness. Like you, I used to be very active and capable. I never asked anyone for anything. I went non-stop from 7:00a.m.-9:00p.m. and I liked being active like that. My house was clean, dinners were cooked, social life planned, kids activities galore, etc. But, I just can't do that right now and neither can you. It's just not where we are in our lives now. BUT, one day we will be again. For now, solicit help-with meals, driving your children to activities, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, keeping you company, etc. Then, those things will be cared for so you don't have to worry about it. It will also take stress off of your husband.

Trav is also right about your hubby-the good ones are had to knock down. Is he extra stressed and overwhelmed and grieving-probably, but you would be too if the situation was reversed. But my guess is that you would still want to be w/ your hubby even if he was so ill. In sickness and in health, remember? Brings meaning to the vows for sure. Your husband obviously loves you and is concerned for you and still wants to be with you. You never know what the future will hold-one day you may be healthy and he may be ill and it will be your turn to care for him. And because of what you have been through, you will have love and compassion like no one else.

It sounds like you have a great Dr. Like he said, you will get better. It's just a long, slow process and the valleys are REALLY deep. Don't worry about the house, how you look, who you are right now. I know, not easy, but you can focus on those things when you're better. Now is the time to focus on resting, healing, and letting others love you and help you.