Need Advice

Hi fellow Lymies,

First, I'm so grateful for you all being out there and ready to help. I think this is a wonderful forum and am thankful for it. I badly need help.

I stopped taking my oral abx (Ceftin with pulsing zithro and ti****dole (sp?)) because they made me feel so bad. I was taking oxycodone for the pain and my LLMD was totally against that. Without it, I couldn't tolerate the pain of the abx so I stopped the oxy and the antibiotics. I continued taking the herbal supplements and tinctures that my holistic doctor had advised me to take and I was able to tolerate them better but was concerned that because I wasn't feeling bad maybe I wasn't herxing and therefore maybe I wasn't killing the bugs. I've been bed bound since February.

My LLMD strongly told me to go back on the antibiotics. I took one ceftin yesterday and woke up this morning feeling like I was at death's door.

I also had this revelation that my personality has been completely altered by the diseases (Lyme, Bart, Babesia, EBV). I have a wonderful, loving, caring fiance who is doing his best to take care of me. Before I got sick, we were always so sweet and kind to each other. Everybody used to comment on how loving we were. We got engaged two years ago and it was just magical. My mother had been killed two years earlier so it wasn't as if we had not had our difficulties. But we always managed to reconnect and grow our love for one another. Now I am always really cranky because things aren't exactly as I would have them. He doesn't get me the right breakfast, we have to move because he isn't making enough money, he doesn't tidy the house the way I do...nothing is good enough for me.

I've been behaving as if I expect him to be superhuman and he is just doing his absolute best and loving me as best he knows how. The other day I was throwing up and he came and stood next to me with his arm around me and stayed there telling me it was going to be OK until I finished throwing up. Then he tried to make me laugh by telling me how good I was at throwing up. That's how kind he is. I feel so awful about my behavior towards him.

I broke down this morning and told him how sorry I was for not being myself and for being unkind and critical of him. I've even told him that the only reason I haven't taken my life is that I don't want to hurt him. That is such a TERRIBLE thing to say to somebody. I can't believe I said it. That is not who I am. I have always tried to live my life with kindness, compassion and gratitude but feel like that has been taken from me and now I'm just this raging "you know what."

Has anybody else experience of responding really badly to abx? And does anybody else feel like they are slowly losing their mind and their personality? I feel as if I have lost everything, my intelligence, my compassion, my looks, my career and that now my relationship is in jeopardy.

Thank you so much for hearing me.

Blessings to you all.

Fiona

Wow! I could have written the above myself. Just know that you are not alone and I'm sure you will get more responses to your post. I have not been "myself" since June of this year, I got bit in May. My guess is that it is very hard to try and convince another person just how sick we are. This adds to the frustration we feel and we lash out at the closest person around, usually, the ones we love the most. I have felt very guilty at times the way I have reacted to some really minor things but try to keep a handle on it now and not be so hard on myself. I often apologize to my wife for "ruining her life" because I cannot do the things we once did. She shrugs it off, smiles, and makes me feel better telling me that I would do the same for her if the roles were reversed.
I am not sure if its the ABX or just a manifestation of the illness. I am hoping that others here will chime in on this very important aspect of this disease....Good Luck. Let's ALL get better!

Hi,

Beth, I will try the gradual ramp up on the Ceftin and see if I can get to tolerating it. I don't know the ad but it sounds like a funny one!

I don't know much about diet other than that I am avoiding sugar, gluten, dairy and caffeine and I am taking a probiotic.

Thanks for your support Mike. Really good to know that I'm not alone in lashing out. I so don't want to be that person but sometimes the disease and all my fears take over. It sounds like your wife is really lovely too. It is definitely impossible to explain to somebody who hasn't experienced it what it feels like to be this sick nor what it can do to your mind. I so want to be that funny, attractive, loving partner I used to be. Instead, I've put on about 50 lbs, my hair which used to be long and blond is now broken off and matted from lying in bed all day. Pure, shallow, vanity I know, and what should be the least of my worries long after my physical health - but it all adds to the stress.

I am going to look for another LLMD. If anybody knows a good LLMD in the San Francisco/Bay Area please could you let me know? I think you have to email me personally - we are not allowed to mention actual names on the forum. I am going to a medical group in Santa Rosa but I don't care for my Dr much and she confessed that she had no clue how to fill in the disability forms which is adding another layer of stress since our savings are just getting eaten up.

Thanks again and I agree. Let's ALL get better.

How does it go? Feee Yooo Naa