Relationship Question

Hi zzzhound,

Welcome to the forum!

First of all, I think it's great you are doing this effort

May I ask for what defined reasons her friends think it is not good for her to get in a relationship? Are the arguments against you as a person (your character) or are all the arguments Lyme related? Has she or have they explained to you why exactly they are against the 2 of you together?

Trust is earned, but you need at least the opportunity to show that you can be trusted.

I think, but this is personal, that a relationship is between 2 people, it is their decision, and no one should intervene. It might be that her friends are doing this with the best intentions, but at the end it is about you 2.

I myself am in an interreligious and interracial relationship, although I don't like to define that at all: I'm married, that's it. If I would have listened to many people around me, I would not have married this guy. Meanwhile, we have been married for 10 years.

Members on this forum have lived so many different situations, relationship wise. There were break-ups, divorces, problems, but also many stories about couples that stood by eachother. Sometimes problems are Lyme related, sometimes it can be because of an already existing problem, and adding Lyme on top of it may be too much... My partners is suffering sometimes, but when I'm having an anger attack (I don't get physical lol) he says to himself 'it's not her. That's how he explaines it when I'm apologizing afterwards. He does a lot of household work too. These are just a few examples.

I think you should try to convince her that it is about you two, ask her to listen to her intuition, to what she feels, not to other people (don't put them down though, that might work against you, they have been her backup in the past and are a big part of her life). Maybe they are scared of loosing her as a friend? You can reassure her on that (that is if you are not planning to lock her up and prevent her from seeing her friends   )

I myself am very straight forward if it is about people commenting a relationship, but that is because of what I lived. Maybe others on the forum will be more moderate in what they will advice you...

Zzzhound,I would echo what's being said here! You learning about the infections and life she is now forced to live will be amazing for her. Good for you!!!

As In a cocoon has said, reading the "New to Lyme?" thread will give you a start. There are several movies about Lyme as well as many books - but to really learn more, listen to your GF closely...and we can help answer questions for you!

You are an amazing person to say that the intimacy can wait - and that will likely go a long way in your relationship with her. We frequently have issues with libido, feeling energetic enough or feeling good enough.

Having been dealing with these infections for 15 years, I feel she likely needs the very best friend she's ever had first. One that is willing to hold her and comfort her when she's feeling her worst is, believe me, amazing.

Maybe you could encourage her to come here to do some reading - she could even use your profile to ask a few questions until she felt more comfortable - although she doesn't have to join to read any posts here. She could find a treatment for her infections that she didn't even know existed. It's a thought anyway!

Thank you! I was really taken by such quick replies to my very first post.

You all hit the nail so squarely on the head all I could do was shake my head in disbelief that people actually get what I'm saying here! Thank you so much.

Her friends are protective of her precisely because she's had her heart broken more than once, when Lyme got in the way of relationships. I'm older than those who have left her for easier relationships. Because of that, I'd like to think I have a better understanding of what's important and lasting in life and what isn't. That has been almost overwhelming for her - that someone can set physical intimacy aside and be truly content with just her company. Ya know, it just dawned on me that maybe her friends think that's too good to be true. She felt that way in the beginning until she realized I meant everything I said and did.

At the specific request of her friends I have completely stopped communicating with her while they take care of her and see her through this time. Right now she's going through the roughest time in her treatments and is not doing well (not unexpected). I'm not relying on them for this knowledge. I can tell by the messages she has tried to send me but can't quite put together. It's heartbreaking to try to figure them out, knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do or say - don't even have access to her just to hold her. I know she would want that.

Sorry to be so emo here, just don't seem to be able to help it. I check my phone about every two minutes to make sure I'm not missing anything from her. A few days have gone by with silence now and it's killing me. Patience is something I've been fortunate to possess. I guess all I can do is draw on that for now.

I would never even remotely dream of putting myself before her friends. They can give her what I simply can't ... true understanding of how she's feeling and what she might need. They've been through it. I trust them implicity when it comes to taking care of her and I'm counting on them to let her make up her own mind about our relationship when she's able to move forward. But I just can't shake the feeling that something's not right. Maybe that's just the silence making me feel this way.

Yes, I have spoken with them directly and am able to at any time but it's very uncomfortable because I can almost feel the disapproval and irritation in their replies. Not much I can do though - pretty much powerless to do anything at all. It's not a character issue rather a genuine concern that she will again be left with nothing but emotional pain. I get that but think I should be given a chance to prove myself to them. I already have to her! There really is nothing for me to do but be patient and hope this one finally works for her. I guess that's being the best friend I can possibly be for now. Maybe back to more later. Just miss her terribly!!!

She once told me there would be no hard feelings and no questions asked if I wanted to walk away at any time. I had absolutely no idea how to reply to that at the time. Now I know walking away would not be an easy way out. Lyme ain't gettin' rid of me!

I read back through this post and can see that I'm really just venting. Thank you for listening to me. Others I've talked to don't seem to get it for some reason and some don't think (or want to admit) that guys can or should be so openly emotional about someone and aren't scared off by something like Lyme.

Thank you Traveler! I'm so glad it's worked out for you!!!

After all my venting and the replies here, it's clear all I can do is be patient, though it's getting harder by the minute. Just realized I've looked at my phone a half dozen times since I started typing this! Just can't keep my mind off of her. Can't help but wonder if she's feeling the same. I'll give it a few days then check on her if I haven't heard anything. I don't think that's too much to ask.

This is a good place to vent! :)

How about writing up a letter to her, telling her how you feel, then she could refer to that any time and be reminded that you do really care, in spite of her illness. It might give her reassurance that you are willing to wait for her.

I'd think you could see her once a week at least and her friends shouldn't object to that too much. It's good that her friends are looking out for her, but they have to realize she's an adult and can have you around if she wants to. You said they don't want to see her in emotional pain, but keeping you away can cause that too if she feels a strong connection with you.

My daughter has Lyme and she has a BF in another state. He has been great support for her and he knew about Lyme disease before we did, he even suggested she get checked for it. He knows how long she has been ill, but he doesn't care and is always in touch with her, making her laugh when she's down and concerned about her. He has been very good for her.

I was very sick in my 20s and my husband says he knew I wasn't fully healthy when he met me (I didn't, though!) and he chose to stick by me and still does, with me going through a 2nd round.

Some people feel better with company around and some don't, so do you know what she prefers?

In the meantime, you might read through the forum so you're familiar with all the problems that can come with Lyme. The real person behind the infections can disappear sometimes, by not being themselves at all and that can often cause relationship problems, so it would be good for you to be aware of that and help you to better understand what she is going through.

Don't give up hope. It sounds like you're a nurturer and she might need that. As bluebyyou said, we're here for you and her too if she wants.

I'm glad something was resolved at least, but sorry to hear she couldn't deal with a relationship right now. I can understand that. I hope she knows what she's giving up, though. Maybe if the next protocol helps her, she'll feel better enough to pursue a relationship. If she would come to this site she would see there are many protocols, some she could do on her own and maybe advance more. Most long term patients become their own advocates and get better. Tell her friend about this site and maybe she would learn about the other protocols and share them with her, so she will know there are other options once she finishes her "last" treatment. I can't imagine being told a treatment is the last option. That would weigh heavy on a patient's mind and be added stress.

Good for you for becoming an ally for Lyme disease. We could use more like you! Post once in a while to let us know how you're doing.

Garden Peace you mentioned something that has been in the back of my mind nagging away at me. Why in the world would a prominent LLMD tell a chronic-patient they're on the last possible treatment? Talk about a punch in the gut!!! When she told me he said that, I questioned it immediately. To make things worse, she is very skeptical and has almost convinced herself that this will not work. There is ALWAYS a next step and I refuse to believe otherwise. Before I had much knowledge at all about this even I knew enough to say that she would find her own way to win the fight if it became necessary.

"Most long term patients become their own advocates and get better."

Thank you for that! Even though she has shut herself off from me, I want to find a way to say that to her. In time I'll try again, once things have settled down. It's such a frustrating feeling knowing how she feels about me but is afraid to let me in. I KNOW I CAN HELP!

Anybody see the movie Love Actually? I need to get to the place of acceptance where the guy in the "carolers" scene says as he's walking away from her door ... "enough."

Anyway, thank you again. :)

" Why in the world would a prominent LLMD tell a chronic-patient they're on the last possible treatment?"

There could be several reasons for this - none of them good.
To name a few:

*They are truly uneducated.

*They think so highly of themselves that they can't imagine having a patient that they can't heal that could be healed in some other manner.

*They have no idea that antibiotics aren't the only way to heal.

I would encourage you again to get someone from that group to check us out!!! My story (in a very small nutshell) is being infected at the age of 7, lived with many, many symptoms all my life, started antibiotics at the age of 44. Got much, much worse. Started herbal treatments at the age of 47. Two an a half years later, no more active symptoms!!!

There is hope of healing for as long as the patient has the hope. It's just a matter of finding the treatment that the body can handle and work with. Honest!!!

Again, Thank you for not turning away!! That means the world to us!!