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Posted 5/20/2014 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
I feel hopeless, and I'm sick of myself for feeling this way. Can't find a job, am sick of being poor and sick and pathetic. My dogs are currently at the vet getting $1000 worth of dental work done. I'm already WAY in debt--just had to open a Care Credit account to pay for this. Tired of asking for help from my parents. Tired of asking for support for my depression. Disgusted with myself. Just disgusted. I've been faithfully following my diet, faithfully taking my meds. Faithfully applying for jobs. Trying so, so hard. But I'm just tired. I'm not getting better. The depression is worse than ever. I'm even thinking about ways I can end it all, which really scares me. I don't want to die--I just don't want to feel like this anymore. But I'm scared--I feel like my mind is sinking deeper and deeper into the pit. What if someday I actually DO get up the courage to end it all? Again, I'm thinking of giving up custody of the kids to the ex. Thinking of rehoming some pets. But this time there's this little thought in the back of my mind that these things will make it easier for everyone if I'm no longer here. I'm SCARED! What do I do?
Posted 5/20/2014 1:44 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you are posting soscared. Very glad you are reaching out.

I so understand you, that feeling of being disgusted by yourself. I have it very often, but I try to always keep in mind (on some days it works better than on other days) that this is not me, feeling like this, that this is not my character, that these infections are playing with my mind and making me feel so tired and in pain.  It is not easy though to remember that when going so deep... but it helps me when I'm loosing it.

A few months ago, I had 1 night (after an IV abx treatment) where I was loosing it. I think it must have been the die-off, but I had these very sudden but very strong suicidal few hours. I was so scared. Luckely, I was at the hospital, got out of my bed and started walking around to calm myself. Don't want this to happen anymore...

I can't remember if you are being treated for Bartonella? That can really make it hard, mentally.

Could giving up some pets (I mean, even if it is temporary) take some of the pressure off you? I love animals myself (very much), but a temporary adoption can maybe make a difference for you?
I don't know how your relationship with your parents is (mine is ok with my dad, but I don't see my mother, so I know it can be complicated), but my dad is never doing something to help me against his will. Is it possible that your parents are doing this out of love for you? If so, please don't worry about them helping you. They do it because they want to.

I'm repeating myself, I know, but I'm very glad you are reaching out.
Maybe other members can give you some advice on medication that can help with the depression. I myself have no experience with it cause my dr is always saying no... but I think it might in some cases be necessary to overcome these overwhelming hard times. Does your dr know that you are so tired (not only physically, but mentally?). Maybe he can help you with that.

Please know that you are not alone, we are here for you.

Hug,

Marie

Posted 5/20/2014 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so scary and overwhelming.

You will not feel this way for the rest of your life- hang in there- try to find a glimmer of hope that you will get better some day even if you don't know how yet. I know bartonella and other things can give people scary suicidal thoughts too- try to think that this will pass. I think it is a good idea to re home your pets. I don't know about your childcare situation or your ex so I can't speak too much to that- but if you feel he is safe and good for the kids, maybe they could stay with him for a while to relieve some of the burden on you so you can rest more. again, I don't know.

Just try to find a glimmer of hope that this will pass- that you will not feel this way forever. It may be changing your protocol, finding a better doctor. Either way keep trying- keep thinking of yourself well and healthy and healed and do anything you can to ease your burdens. I know this is so hard- the combination of financial stress, parenting, being so so sick, not having support, and the mental anguish and scary thoughts and anxiety. It is so hard. I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to remember that everything changes- perhaps if you were able to lighten some of your responsibilities, find a better doctor, get on a better treatment plan, perhaps you could find that one day you feel better.

Can others on here who have been as down and sick and scared and she is post some encouraging stores about how you felt the same way and then over time it got better?

Sending you hope. Hang in there and I really hope things get better for you.

Posted 5/20/2014 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
I went from totally normal to not being able to function overnight from lyme. I had massive crying outbursts, to the point of sobbing all day, every day amongst other crazy bad symptoms. I have cried straight for months, not out of self pity but because I can't control it.
One drop of colloidal silver turned this around. I haven't cried in 5 days.

Maybe you just need to change thing up in your protocol to get to the next level.
Posted 5/20/2014 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
Soscared sweetheart,

I am SOooOoooooo sorry you're are feeling like this. I was EXaCTLy the same as you are a year ago. Please keep keep trying new things/protocols. I just logged on today to give a report that I'm all healed and saw your post. It broke my heart because I was in the same place as you-- and I love my life again because. I beet this darn Lyme and BART-- I found the right mix of antibiotics/herbs/supplements. So thankful for my boyfriend who pretty much saved my life.

My infection is COMPLETELY gone. Zero symptoms and my life is better now than it was pre-infected.

Do you want to call me to talk? I can tell you which supps/herbs I took...

Let me know Hun. Sending so much love to you boo.

Sarah
Posted 5/20/2014 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
I went away for a bit to get some writing done and look at all the supportive responses I come back to! It's wonderful to get this kind of support when you feel so beat. I'll try to answer a few of the questions, but I'm still working on this week's deadline so I gotta get back to it pretty soon. I have been on a boatload of herbs and rx's. I felt like I was doing really well after starting Rifampin, then I stopped taking it because I was concerned about the interaction with Mepron (reduces effectiveness by up to 50%, I believe). I have Babesia duncani, confirmed by multiple blood tests. Erlichia and Anaplasma were the others I tested positive for. Lyme, the only band was 41. Doc originally started me on Rifampin because the emotional symptoms hadn't eased at all after 4 months of treatment, even though other symptoms (fatigue, joint pain, foggy brain, insomnia, tingling in fingers) were improving. He suspected I might have undiagnosed Bart.

Yogi, I might take you up on your offer after I get out from under this deadline. I will also look into the Synergy protocol. Altogether, have been treating this crap since August. I have had short periods of relative relief (longest probably lasted 2 weeks), but then it all comes crashing down again. I wonder if I should try IV abx? If my insurance would even pay for it? If I should go back on Rifampin after finishing this round of Mepron? I've only treated with 2 months of Malarone and this is my first month of Mepron. But I have been treating the Babs with CSA for 5 months, and did Artemisinin for 3 months. It's all so confusing--who even knows what's causing this emotional trauma?
Posted 5/20/2014 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Always verify with your personal medical team, since only they know exactly what is happening with you and can evaluate if this might be helpful to you or not. Members of HW are not medical personnel, and should not be relied on for medical advice.

While suggestions for things that we can do to help are good, trying to direct the treatment of another person isn't.
Posted 5/20/2014 4:40 PM (GMT 0)
Travelor-- I hope you don't think I'm trying to direct treatment of others!!! Just sharing what worked for me!! We're all different for sure--

Hope something in my protocol will help someone somewhere.

The best and really only thing I can offer is inspiration for healing, as I'm more clueless than most about this whole nightmare.

Traveler, how are you feeling these days? Havent been on the site for months.
Posted 5/20/2014 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
Yogi, I don't see that you're trying to treat people, you're just sharing your success.

Soscared, I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate to deal with on your own. I hope you don't give up custody of your kids since you might regret it later. They will need you in their lives.

It seems that maybe you need to have a discussion with your doctor to let him know you aren't progressing enough and maybe he will change things and get you moving forward. You need that to get some hope back.

I like the idea of temporarily re-homing your pets if anyone would do that.

I would think that your parents don't mind helping you. I would do that with mine if they were in your situation. I have one with Lyme now and she lives with us and I'm happy that we're helping her out. She has been ill a good portion of her life, though, so she never got to move into an normal adulthood.

Hang in there as best as you can and stay in touch since we care and want to give you support when it's needed.
Posted 5/20/2014 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
I finished with my deadlines, and instead of feeling better I broke down. I'm taking 60 mg. of Cymbalta now. Obviously it's not working. I just called the doc and told him how awful I feel. Maybe he'll try me on something else. I don't feel as much anxiety as I was feeling earlier in my treatment--mostly it's an overwhelming depression and suicidal thoughts now. Wonder if this is representative of some shift in the disease process--ie one of the diseases has gained a stronger hold over the others? Whatever it is, it's so, so painful. It's just horrible. It's beautiful spring day here, and I cannot feel anything but hopeless and defeated.
Posted 5/20/2014 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
I understand how you feel. I was like that when I was so ill close to 30 years ago. I don't remember how long I was sick before I got treated but it was at least 2 or 3 years and I felt so hopeless after doctors wouldn't accept the fact that I was so ill and not just depressed.

I trust that you will find a way out. Does your doctor believe in any alternative methods? I was just thinking that adding some herbals or something to what you're already doing might support your system, if you aren't already. My memory isn't great, so I don't know if you're already doing that.

We're here for you, so stay in touch.
Posted 5/20/2014 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, I am doing herbals along with abx. Have tried Artemisinin, have been taking CSA (recommended by Buhner for Babs), am taking Cat's Claw/Japanese Knotweed combo, Kudzu, Cordyceps, Burbur Detox, Sarsaparilla, Red Root, B-vitamin supps. for MTHFR mutation, grapefruit seed extract. Just recently began taking a supplement for Leaky Gut, because food sensitivity profile showed I'm sensitive to about half the foods on the list. I think that's the full list. Then for RXs I'm currently taking Cefdinir, Azith and Mepron, and pulsing Tindamax. Oh, and Cymbalta. And I'm taking probiotics.

Post Edited (soscared13) : 5/20/2014 1:10:16 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2014 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
I can relate to everything you have mentioned. Being ill with Lyme seems to be incredibly expensive. I have just recently joined this forum to try to find some answers. In the meantime, I hope you will keep doing what you can to feel better. Leaky Gut protocol is something I'm following as well. Crossing fingers it works! Today I added in Alka seltzer gold and a hot bath with epsom salts and lavender that gave me just a small boost. Who knows..possibly tomorrow is a better day:)
Posted 5/21/2014 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome lilyofvalley!
Posted 5/21/2014 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lilyofvalley,

I find that AlkaSeltzer Gold helps me a lot.

I took two Ativan last night and slept for 7 hours straight--very unusual for me, as I've been waking up every one to two hours and up for good by 4 or 5 a.m. Slept till 7 this a.m. Coincidentally or not, I feel SO much better today. After two days straight of suicidal thoughts and overwhelming hopelessness, the sun has come out and I am feeling optimistic again. I don't know what causes these fluctuations. My therapist thinks its mostly how I'm thinking and my connections (or lack of) with other people. This has something to do with it. But there is no doubt in my mind that there is something organic going on here. I can FEEL something going on in my brain when I have these dark, dark days. There is a feeling of my brain pressing against my skull--sometimes slight, sometimes more extreme. There is almost always some pain, often at the base of my skull. These cycles are organically induced--no question in my mind about that. Probably exacerbated by situational stuff, but greatly affected by physical stuff.
Posted 5/21/2014 8:02 PM (GMT 0)
Light can make a big difference. I live in rainy country and once those first sunny spring days come up, my daughter and I feel better. She even felt better when we had some snow on the ground that brightened up the house a lot, so I may get light designed for SAD, probably a floor lamp. I think it has to be 10,000 lux to be affective.

I'm so glad to hear you have a day free of those thoughts. Do you have a patio where you could sit and relax? That would be good for you after the stress you've had.
Posted 5/26/2014 3:35 AM (GMT 0)
soscared13

How are you today?

Thank you for the tip on AlkaSeltzer Gold. It helps when I feel really rough..

I am so glad you felt better after getting some sleep. On days I felt particularly exhausted and depressed, I would remind myself that some sleep will help.

My exhaustion and stress was so severe that I am having to take some time off work to really try to sleep. Even if it means medication, I believe sleep is essential to healing.

My follow up with my doctor since last post shows that my thyroid problem is even worse. The thought is lyme is infecting my thyroid. It is so frustrating.

I have burning pain in the base of my skull as well. Chiropractic visits help. Ice and cervical stretching can help as well.

I hope you find some answers on your situational stress. I am sure rest and meditating on these issues will help you.

Hope you're doing better.
Posted 5/26/2014 11:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lily,

Thank you for thinking of me. The past couple of days have been pretty good. I've slept O.K. on a mild dose of Ativan, I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, my moods have been relatively brights. It's been quite a relief after those intense, horrible dark days I experienced before.

Strangely, I've been experiencing some really intense sleepiness in the afternoons, which I wasn't having during the days when I was feeling the overwhelming depression. Weird. This morning I'm feeling O.K., so hopeful today will be another good day.
Posted 5/26/2014 12:43 PM (GMT 0)
That is wonderful! Your body is telling you that you need to sleep since you let go of some overwhelming issues. I'd love getting to that place a little better. Possibly sleep as much as you can and then re-evaluate everything later:)

Time for some ASgold for me.
Posted 5/26/2014 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Yep. With today being Memorial Day, I had to go out and shoot some photos of the local parade (I work for a newspaper). The kids are with their dad. I did get to see them in the parade, though, because they both play for different marching bands--so that was nice. Now I plan to write three stories, upload some photos, and then settle in for a nice, long nap. I'm so sleepy--not bone tired, like I've experienced at other times. I have physical energy. I'm just sleepy.
Posted 5/26/2014 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
soscared- I am glad those suicidal feelings passed. I had some periods in all this with some heavy dark thoughts too. I never felt suicidal thank god but I did feel really really depressed and like life is just bad, kind of thing.

I think it is the most important thing to remember, when feeling really low, that things always change. That we have to hang in there and just keep envisioning the way we want things to be- healthy happy and good- and remember that things change. Hope you continue to improve.

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