Posted 2/14/2015 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
I haven't had a very good year thus far. It's been incredibly stressful, I've been incredibly sick.
I'm reconsidering my treatment plan. Maybe antibiotics won't get me better? I'm way sicker than I was before. What has got better are as follows --
My hands don't bleed everyday anymore
my mood has improved
the mrsa is gone from my face
I'm way more tired. And my mood is starting to slip a little honestly, like right now. I'm so angry!! My joints are killing me. My eyes are awful. My bladder is awful. Headaches, back aches, mood swings, anxiety..... Its too much to write down all my symptoms. I don't have the energy. I feel like I'm at a standstill.
My doctor feels encouraged. He says that this means treatment is working. The naturopath that adjusted my back and ribs yesterday (my left ribcage was sticking out a full 2 inches farther than the right side) said that Lyme treatment is similar to chemo. She said you basically have to almost kill the patient the patient to kill the bacteria. And I'm feeling it. I'm extremely toxic.
The same naturopath said that with my 23 and me results my llnd would probably be taking me off of a few things. I think I'm heterozygous for the detoxing stuff?? No idea if I'm saying that right. I don't understand all of it well enough to come to any real conclusions..
All I do know is how awful I feel. It's been almost 6 months.. I think? And I feel like I've been very patient. I didn't go into this with a 'iit's never going to work attitude', I've tried to be very open to the experience as a whole. And maybe it's just a bad mood, but I feel like there is something wrong. I still have moments where I fear for my life. Some 'episodes' I question whether or not my body will live through them. And that's just an awful way to Live. I feel sometimes like I could die at any given moment. I'm good at pushing it away and being glad that I never do actually die. Maybe it's so unsettling because I don't understand what's happening in those moments. Either way.... I want this part to be over.
I said at the beginning I need to be having more days out of bed than in it by 6 months. Maybe that was unreasonable? Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 26. 5 years ago I'd be inundated with phone calls and emails. Only one of my 6 siblings wrote me an email to say they were thinking of me. I don't have parents anymore. My mom died and my dad is a violent schizophrenic who I try not to have contact with. My grandma called me, and one friend. And that's it. It made me feel really alone. It's just really different from how life was before I got Sick. It made me really really sad.. not that I want or need attention. It was more just a stark reminder of how far I've distanced myself from life before lyme.
I really miss my mom. She was my best friend and I've felt alone on earth since she died. Thank god I have my son.. If it wasn't for him I don't know that I'd want to be here. That is an awful, awful thing to say and feel, I know. I almost feel evil. But I'm stuck in a torture chamber. And the medicine isn't working. I'm scared and in a terrible mood.
I'll probably feel better in a few hours and get back to my cheery self. God, I miss that girl that never stopped being busy. The girl that hiked and worked out and would climb a mountain for 7 hours for one flower! I miss the girl that was always helping everyone else and constantly making sure everyone around her felt really good about themselves. I miss meeeeee!!!!!!!!! I'm not good at laying around.. I'm just not good at being sick. I feel so weak minded right now.
Need to toughen up. Ugh. And fast.