Kind words anyone? Deeply affected by husband's tirade

Please allow me to share a story with you. I would rather tell a close friend or somebody I'm close to, but I've been living in the boonies with no transportation too long, and as a result I honestly have no friends left to talk to. The only people that live close enough to speak to regularly are my husband's family, they are all of the same mindset, they all think I'm a hypochondriac, apparently... I thought they had gotten over that, but today I found out that they probably haven't, through my husband's words. They really do all express identical ideas, so if he thinks one thing, they most likely do too.

Yesterday the younger men from my husband's family got together to do some work on my sister in law's roof. They accidentally 'forgot' to ask me over come supper time. That may make sense to some as I wasn't part of the work crew. But in reality I had initially planned to make the supper for them, but my mother in law said she would get her daughter to do it; her daughter is the one whose roof is getting fixed, so that made sense and I said sure, okay.

Then come that day, yesterday, There's one dinner going on with the female and older relatives at mother in law's house next door, another going on with the work crew, that initially I was going to prepare. The intent of the fact I was initially planning to prepare dinner and the fact that my husband is working there (next door!) and I have no vehicle to entertain myself other than with the same old (while both homes next door are crammed with people having fun) should have included me by default.

The buggers purposely forgot about me. I know I have become a pain in the ass to them because I'm not healthy like they are. This is the treatment I get for having a health condition that has not been identified.

But there's more. Once I expressed how this behavior came across, my husband said he would take me out today. I don't get out very often, and when I do it's usually to go to the bank to get him money towards the bills when my disability check comes, that's once a month. So I was very excited, as were my two dogs, that also rarely leave the yard... a special time indeed.

I was all ready to go and my husband said something about getting a snack, he said he was feeling some diabetic like symptoms, and he has at times been borderline. With my recent research, I have become well aware of the fact that this is brought about by the toxins in our food; I just touched upon that, just a mention in passing. Well he tuned right into that and turned it into an argument.

He said that toxins do not cause diabetic like symptoms to occur, not eating often enough does. I told him that he's talking about dealing with symptoms, while I'm talking about causal issues. Then I said that I had no intent of going into detail, but he's making me defend myself. Him going off on a tangent made it seem that I wasn't allowed to say things along that line... you know?

Well as he's so good at, he kept escalating and escalating and adding goodies to the pot to attack me with. In the end, instead of just simply boring him with the details of toxins in our body (that I was simply defending myself by offering after initially broaching on the topic), I instead became:
A hypochondriac.
A psych case.
A liar.
An exaggerator.
Someone with severe social issues that hates everyone.
A pain in the ass that he wants out of his life.

Honestly, I want out of his life too, I don't deserve someone that thinks so hatefully. But I am so trapped. My disability won't pay for me to have a place of my own. And while the government would in theory find me a home and finance that which I could not afford in terms of expenses, I have tried going that route twice before and ran into road blocks that I couldn't work around. I have no one that I can temporarily stay with, my relatives are all gone. For now I am trapped. The above came from a man that saw I had a bulls-eye rash ten years ago.

The b*****d. I want to die right now. Sitting here in a stream of silent tears.

Kind words? I feel needy that way right now.

PS - I have tried to tell him the truth about Lyme and how it works, I'd have no problem opening his eyes, but he has no interest, he won't listen at all, he prefers to remain ignorant.

Post Edited (Oulie) : 7/5/2015 12:26:50 PM (GMT-6)

Oulie

I am so sorry you're struggling and in so much lonely pain. I've been there. And I think most posters here can identify with the frustration of loved ones who simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Our conditions are hard on everyone and test patience and inner strength like nothing else can. Never have I been more disappointed in family and friends, which is likely why I've also whittled down my "Christmas card list" to a very very few.

We cannot make people understand. We cannot shoulder the extraordinarily overburdensome task of educating everyone when we're so short of answers and support.

Please do not stop searching for a way out. You will either find it, or you will help divert your frustrated energy to something else other than your husband and his insensitive family. It does help to occupy our brains with something that is self-centered and fulfilling. If they are not going to help you, you will help yourself. You can do this.

And you're smart for posting and reaching out. It's a holiday weekend so some lucky posters are with their friends and families but will be along soon to post, I'm sure of it. And we've had recent conversations about the need to provide more spousal and partner support here so if any progress has been made about that, I'm sure they will share it. Even if we can help you lead your horse to water, he may not drink. Or if he does, he may not like it or understand it. And you'll have no control over that.

People get real funny about their habits. Your husband's justifying a poor choice in snack is not at all uncommon. And his nasty response is likely not about the snack or the comment or the argument, and probably a release of an unfair amount of stress and burden you are both carrying due to this horrible and criminal disease. It seems every day I have work on building my self respect that others want to rip apart… but if I have built it solidly, no one can touch it. This is something for you to focus on as well… It's a great distractor. ;)

Hang in there, yes, sleep is an essential part of our treatment. Hopefully more posters will come along and you will likely hear very familiar stories. Keep posting!

-p

Oulie - Tears are rolling down my face - so sad for you...and all of us who are misunderstood.

While I do have a supportive husband 90% of the time, and my inlaws aren't so insensitive to exclude me...I have to admit some of the tactics your husband used in the argument (or should I say in the 'attack', as it wasn't really an argument - he was attacking, and you were defending) - sound familiar.

When my husband is tired, hot, hungry....he can't simply engage in a fair argument. He will say personal things - maybe not as extreme as your husband did...but things that have NOTHING to do with the subject at hand.

The other day he was feeling fed up with our financial situation...(and believe me, i wish i could work)...and he asked me "When do you think you'll be back to work?" Ummm...when I'm better. "You don't have a time-frame?" When I explained that I can't predict the future...he went on to say that I didn't have a positive attitude...or i would have a plan of when to return to work. And, then said that I needed to do more...and not let my brain rot. And that I was selfish that I never thought about him, or i would "try harder" to do more to get myself ready to return to work.

I can't even argue with that..I just walk away...go up to the bedroom, and cry.

So sorry for you...I wish I could give you a big hug.

Ok, I'm going to be scathing.

Forgive me for saying this, but tell your hubby to go take a flying f at the moon.

Girlie, maybe you need to take your guy and "sit" him down, and have a talk with him; IHL did it.

I can't believe your hubby asked for a time frame!!

Maybe it's good I don't have a hubby after all. I've heard some hubbies are awesome though . . . .

Margaret

I think it raises a bit of anger in most of us when one is treated this way, as Pirouette was saying, most of us can at least identify with it, if we haven't been there ourselves.

(Don't answer these next two questions, they are for you to think about only)Were things good between you and hubby before you had Lyme? Chronic illnesses are the reason a lot of marriages end - but maybe you and hubby will be okay once you are healed?

This is one of the most complex infections that the medical system has tried to deal with yet. Forget what those around you choose to believe. I know that it's hard to live with it, but many of us have. Close your ears to it, as one day you will be healed and they will want to know what made the difference in you and you will get to tell them than that it was because you healed from Lyme disease! Nothing better than seeing to believe. Until then, you have all of us to lean on.

Is there any way you can get him and his family to see or read these things? Maybe you can set it up somehow for the whole group to be over for a potluck type of dinner and show these things to them:
​

Under Our Skin: (Full Movie - Lyme Disease documentary)
www.hulu.com/watch/268761


​ Lyme Spouse - support for your loved ones: /www.facebook.com/LymeSpouse

So you know someone with Chronic Lyme disease: www.tiredoflyme.com/so-you-have-a-friend-or-family-member-with-chronic-lyme-disease.html#.U3dTc3bbS1t​


This next one seems pretty powerful-

​"Dear Family of a Lyme Disease patient"​
​goo.gl/vujRB6

In the heat of an arguement, many things are said that are not really meant. Should we end all relationships because they take a turn for the worse sometimes? No, and I don't think most people believe they should (including you of course).

So we don't know the context other than they were said while hubby was pretty mad/upset. We all need to have a reset button to use once in a while. If this is a pattern that has been happening over and over again and again - then maybe it is time to get out - but what if it's not? There's no doubt in my mind that I almost left my hubby and he almost left me over Lyme - not arguing over whether or not I had it, but in trying to live with it. I'm sure glad neither he or I took action on those feelings.

If it can be worked out, then maybe that would be best? Maybe we should support them, knowing that having someone with a chronic illness makes life pretty complicated and frustrating for the spouse/significant other as well, that they should try to not do anything drastic until things have calmed down and they have tried to talk about this.

Most of us say things in anger we would never, ever repeat under any other circumstances.

I am sorry you have to go through all this Oulie.

Margaret

Thanks for asking, Traveler. I am going to say that I am doing okay. Not really though, just keep telling myself that for now until I believe it.

I have an appointment today to see some medical records that have been hidden from me for nearly a decade, it's a big day. I am disheartened that my husband chose yesterday of all days to kick me in the teeth, so to speak. However, in a way, perhaps it was a gift, as strange as that may sound, as otherwise I may be wound due to Lyme anxiety. I am unusually sedate today. Does higher power work in mysterious ways?

...time will tell by his future behavior, although it's going to be hard, if not impossible to forgive him for his words and actions yesterday, there was a bit more I left out. It didn't end up in violence, but he was otherwise as cold and inconsiderate, hurtful as well, as a person could choose to be.


I want to respond more to all the people who replied to this thread, thanks, it really means a lot to me. But for now I will keep it brief, as I need to keep my emotions in check for my appointment.

I will say one thing though... bluebyyou asked if I could find subsidized housing. Yes and no. In theory they say yes, but being married and owning common property with my husband, it takes a separation order and us to live apart for at least a month before they even look at my application. I have nowhere else to go meantime.


My heart and my prayers go out to all of those in similar situations as my own.

Your words mean a lot to me Trav, thanks so much.

Trav.,

I'm really sorry. I know you love your hubby, but make sure you stick up for yourself.

Oulie, I understand that you need to be calm right now, but if hubby's presence ends up making you sicker in the long run, that's also something to consider.

When I was with my ex, I eventually realized that it was more exhausting to be with him than without.

Sticks and stones are not the only things that hurt.

If you need a place to live, there might be resources for people with Lyme.

Margaret

Yeah, though I am not at all heartened to know that so many have the same broad overview when living with Lyme, somehow on the other hand, knowing the volume of us, surely in time, and hopefully sooner than later, together we can get things done.

We will, we will. I know we will. Imagine, one day not in the too distant future, it's safe to say that a generation will not have to deal with this because of what we lived through today. As far as I am concerned, that makes us heroes and heroines. :0)

By the way, today I saw the medical records that were long hidden from me... shocking... that's something I didn't really need to see. There were some exaggerations and falsities in there, plenty of them too.

I want to add - thanks from the bottom of my heart to everyone that added words to this thread to lift my spirits... it worked!

Keep hanging in there Oulie! I hope you can have a heart to heart at some point with your husband that is beneficial to your relationship, I hope he would be open to such a talk. anyhow, I'm feeling for you and sending thoughts and prayers your way!

Hugs Hugs and more Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a lonely disease (it's my son sick, I am caretaker and really never leave him long for the past 2 years). My email is enabled if you EVER need someone to talk to, please do email me, I will never ignore you or not answer (unless I'm dead or hospitalized of course :) )!

More hugs