Advice: Who gets the support you vs. partner?

Have you been sitting in my house and I didn't see you? Count me in on these issues, which - by the way - are still ongoing because I still have on-going health issues.

I don't have any magical pills or sage advice though, as we are just trying to survive it as well. The only thing I can do to get through it is to try to not lean on him so much, and do my best to just forget that he's supposed to be the one to be supportive to me during these times - which of course doesn't work too well.

But at least you know you're not alone in this!! Maybe we can both learn some things from others that have advice!

For me, yes, we have sat down and discussed this calmly, but any time that I need support now, it stresses him out too much even though he wants to be supportive.

Women do have the extra part of their brain that makes them more nurturing, so it's no wonder many men have a hard time being supportive, plus many are raised to be tough and not show emotions and just push through things on their own.

My hubby is pretty good, but we have had some ups and downs because of my illness. This is his 2nd time going through this with me, but I was much worse off the first time. I don't turn to him as much as I'd like to since he has 2 family members with Lyme.

Have any of you tried counseling with someone how understands living with a serious illness and how it affects both people?

Classical Homeopathy can help a lot. I've felt it change my mindset and have seen how it impacts how others react to me, even total strangers. That still amazes me.

I hope all of you can find a way to help your marriages.

I should've said that my husband is great! He does a lot for us. We have our moments, but get through them. Thanks PeteZa for making my sleepy head think about what I said before. I'm so sorry for the loss you went through and can't imagine how hard that was.

The calmness does help.

We all have stuff and thank you all for the kind thoughts. God needed a new angel. It was not easy and never will be. I had to learn how to answer people when they would say, "do you have any children?" I now say, "yes, but she lives in heaven."

One thing I found out is that if you look, there is someone worse off.

When my daughter died, I was driving down the freeway and just looking at all those cars knowing that some were on their way to funerals, some to chemo treatments, some to a divorce attorney, etc. Everyone of us has yuckies. No one gets out of this life without them. The "trick" is how you handle it. That does not mean you are a toughie or you handle it better than anyone else. It just means how do YOU handle it. Makes you go all introspective on yourself. There is no right or wrong way, it is just what makes us all individuals.

I sure hate to see people hurt and could never be a nurse. God love those people that watch such horrors a human body can go through and calmly help them.

Hi to everyone,

I too wanted to offer condolences for the loss of your child, Peteza, so very sorry.

Borderlyme I can def relate to the issues your are having in your relationship. I have
been with my husband for 33 years and have been sick for prob 28 of them. My husband
was not very supportive in the beginning because I always had a "headache"(for real) then
I had the joint pains&carpal tunnel and surgery for that. which was very painful which then led
to reflex sympathic dystrophy(RSD). For years I had chronic unrelenting pain and the DRs. didnt
do much to help me except for pain meds. Years later I got pregnant and the hormonal balance
unbelievably cured the RSD(or divine intervention,which was what I was praying for) . My symptoms subsided but never completely went away but I did not know at the time I still had lymes I contracted it late 1980's,(dr said 1 week antibiotics cured). Lots of drs did not know what was causing my constant,but not terrible aches and pains,after what I went through with the RSD . In 2013 I got tick bit again which has brought on all new symptoms that I am dealing with again. Needless to say my husband is tired of me being sick all the time which I maybe cant blame him although I try not to complain to him. Now that I know it is Lyme that has been
making me sick for all these years he doesnt believe in the cdc/ilads controversy and that a regular DR is dismissive if you mention you have lyme. This is very stressful I think he thinks it is in my head. If he only knew how real Chronic Lyme is and how it masks itself. (today this prob, tomm that problem).

I have just been giving him his space and me my space. and try to figure how to get myself well
on the tight budget that we are on.

well thanks for letting me vent, and hearing I am not the only one having these support issues.

Kelly

Borderlyme, Girlie, you both summed up my marriage exactly!!

One of the things that frustrates me is that when my brain is having a mushy day I can't even reason out the arguement or explain myself either. How CAN you explain that the world just refuses to make sense, stress makes it worse, ergo yelling at me to be rational is self defeating!

Post arguement I resent the fact that he storms off and sleeps. It can take days for the adrenaline to wear off in me. Usually during which time I can't pull myself back together, which causes him more stress and round it goes again.

I know this is my 'fault', but it does take away your sense of hope when you try so hard to get through the day and all that seems to accomplish is to make the one person left in your life (yes, my world has shrunk to that) absolutely misserable. Being told you can't be coped with is the exact opposite of how I want to feel and is not conducive to me getting back to the point that I don't need to be coped with. Does that make sense? I am not certain!!

Sorry Deejavu (and everyone)? - email glitch or something I didn't get my usual notifications about replies...or maybe I click the notify me thing - my mistake! I logged on and saw all of these wonderful heartfelt replies and then read yours about me not responding and was like OH NO!!

Where to begin...

PeteZa I'm so sorry about your loss - sometimes we can get so wrapped up in thinking getting sick is the worst thing there is when you're right, there's always someone going through so much worse! I so admire your attitude about what you've been through and that you're here offering other people support, no less...so inspiring!

I'm so comforted in a sad/strange way by all of you sharing your stories - it's nice not to feel alone and to know others are feeling what I'm feeling but it's also terrible to know others feel alone and unsupported by their loved ones! It's a weird/terrible thing only those of us going through a long-term illness can relate to, I guess.

Traveler - You make me think I'm just being stubborn...sometimes I have to admit I'm a little selfish (kinda hard not to be under these circumstances) - once in a while I try to do the same as you said and just not lean on him as much...I guess it's not his fault I don't have much of anyone else in my life to vent to...it's still hard though. At least we're a united front when we're not stressed beyond comprehension! We both want him to be there for me and we both appreciate how much effort I put into keeping things light and positive despite what's going on...but somehow that doesn't translate when things get tough.

Girlie - I hear you...it's like you can't win! When you're honest about feeling crummy it's a problem. When you're superwoman and fight through being miserable, it's assumed you're doing fine and you get judged...or my (least) favorite: "why didn't you tell me you were having a bad week?" Can't win!

Garden peace - I do forget sometimes that men aren't women. Nothing against men, they're wonderful but I swear we're different species sometimes! It's true - men fix things, women support. What specifically did you mean regarding homepathy? I take a lot of homepathics for a lot of things and they do seem to work wonders - just curious what you meant in this regard?

Dejavu - Good point - like I mentioned before sometimes I'm a little selfish and take for granted the stress he's going through - as much as being sick is stressful, being with someone who is sick is incredibly stressful in it's own way, a way I can't understand. He just shuts down a lot in the face of stress and the tough part is I don't even realize when I'm stressing him out at first (my regular day to day life that I don't find stressful because pain and fatigue and seizures are the norm for me and I'm capable of having a fantastic day despite all of these really stresses him out) - he keeps it all bottled up and then when I think it's the first time I'm venting it turns out he's already to explode!

walk in the woods - I get the whole "he's tired of me being sick" thing. It hurts a lot to hear - it's like a blow to the ego and even though I understand...I just hate the whole thing!

silly sheep - Too true - on top of everything we have to deal with we make the rocks in our life miserable. Actually, WE don't...what we go through does...but it's so hard to see the difference and not blame ourselves, I think!

Thanks everyone for sharing - it's actually really helped a lot.
Unfortunately due to disability semantics we can't get legally married for now, which makes couples counseling financially not an option.

Luckily he's finally agreed to go to counseling on his own (I've done so/am doing so as well) to help deal with his stress management and to just get some of this pain out to an objective person and I'm hoping it will help!

He really is trying...it's just we're both different people when we're stressed by this thing! We only had 3 months together before I relapsed and we don't even know what it's like to be relatively stress free and just content and happy...maybe given the circumstances it's better that way!

I don't know, PeteZa,
some meanies are just meanies.
They can suck the life out of you.

Literally

I think---hands down,
The person battling LD gets the support.
=]chloe

BorderLyme said "Traveler - You make me think I'm just being stubborn"

Oh Lord!! that's not at all what I had intended!! I just meant that I hadn't figured it out yet and that was all I had found that helped me!!! I'm reading this thread as well, hoping to gain insight!!

I'm so sorry that I wasn't clear enough.