Posted 1/31/2016 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
As for the treatment troubles, I'm sorry. We all know how it is. We've all experienced the failure. "Why won't you work?" That's just how it goes. It's just a matter of going through the learning curve, piecing together all of your individual issues, figuring out how they can be treated, and seeing how you respond to said treatment. Unfortunately, it's not always positively. Unfortunately, those individual issues, they can be many, some can interfere with treatment for others, etc.
It's a *****, especially without a good doctor(s), or the money to afford a good doctor, as well all the treatment options you'd like. Even those people struggle greatly to get better. I look at the treatment some can get for themselves, then look at the quality of their situations, and wonder how the hell it is possible, and/or how the hell it's gonna be possible for those of us who treat with a few hundred dollars a month, juggling between work, etc.
But, that's just how it goes. I don't care what the smilies try to feed you, we aren't born equal. There's levels to this, and you just might have come out on the bottom, and that applies to everything. Now, you can take a few steps up, if you got the means (mind, muscle, money), which is better than nothing. Also, unless you're fortunate enough to have someone close to you that's willing to trust and provide for you, ain't nobody really fighting for you but you. You might meet some kind folks along the way who offer a bit of this, bit of that, mostly in the form of advice, encouraging words, but typically the only one keeping you breathing is you.
I don't pray to God, I pray to me. I'm taking all the shots, I'm throwing all the shots.
Whatever route helps you the best though, friend. Big does of hope, optimism, one of the many faces of this God figure.
What do you do when you feel like you just can't go on anymore?
I keep going. I don't know why, but I do. I mean, I want to live, of course, I do. But, at the same time, I don't. I feel like that's something that everyone experiences, when dealing with health issues such as ours, at least to some degree.
I have mental breakdowns, suicidal ideation, this, that, and the third, all of the time. I just thought about blowing my brains out a minute ago, because I hated that I was struggling to get out a simple post. Everything screws with me.
Though, I'm trying to stop, at least as much as possible, maybe have them in a "calmer" sense, as funny as that sounds, because I've finally accepted the fact that stress can be such further detriment to our health.
A lot of us are in very fragile states, with this condition, that condition, and, despite how overwhelming it can be, freaking out over it just aggravates those things even more, which could then give you even more of a reason to get down.
I know we can't help it. I know I'll slip up and have an episode, probably a couple. TODAY. It's hard to apply the things you've learned, when your mind is broken, your heart is broken. You just can't human right.
I've learned so much these past years, I just can't access it in my brain - again, as funny as that sounds. I've been taught so many life lessons, but, my heart, my soul, they are polluted. I just can't make the connection, so those lessons hardly amount to anything. I make the same mistakes, all the time.
I get it. The way I see it, I just gotta keep going, doing what I can, praying that my mind, body, and bank account will hold out long enough for something will start to work. I want it to end, by whatever means. Death is a thought, but I don't want that yet, not completely. If I did, I wouldn't be here, talking.
Just gotta try - try, try, try, 'til they etch "loser" on your headstone, or maybe not? Maybe you'll get to climb the ladder a bit before you go?
Best wishes and all that. cookies, cakes, glitter, and fairytales, all the wonderful things. Smiles, laughter. Love, with minimal loss. Tender hearts. Tears never spent.
Now, back to my hole I go..
Forgive me, if this is just a big BLOB to you. I just kind of talk sometimes. My posts become more about just me talking about or even to myself. I'm selfish like that. LOCK ME UP.