Abandonment anyone?

Hey everyone, I had a very hard day and those kind of days always make me feel very melancholy. I know I am probably luckier than most, I have a very loving and devoted husband who takes care of me even when it's hard to be around me.

What hurts is that my family (mother and sister) have completely abandoned me. I guess it's the same old story.I was there for them and went way and above helping them. The first year when I misdiagnosed my mother couldn't understand why I wasn't getting any better. I needed to go to a real doctor ( I was seeing a ND). Her illnesses trumped mine every time and during those times, I called or sent cards or when I could stopped in to visit. I got nada from her.

I took practically two years of my life taking care of my sister who has a mental illness. Flew 4 hours and stayed two months. She broke her arm so I had to pack her entire home, and try and figure out her finances, late taxes, health insurance, Cobra, unemployment, long term disability, bankruptcy and long term disability. What did I get from her? A big fat nothing. Unless you count a Lily plant which died shortly after I got it.

I know my mother has a lot to do with my sister not being involved in my life. I also understand that she does have a horrible illness as well. But it still hurts that she can't stop by or at the very least ask my husband how I'm doing. She sees him since she rents from us.

I finally figured out that any contact with them was not good for me. So I last spoke with my mother over a year ago and my sister 4 months ago. During times like this it starts to hurt all over again.

Also my friends stopped calling. I have one friend who texts me once in awhile. She lives 10 minutes from me. My MIL came over tonight for dinner. I looked like hell,horrible bed head and sad pjs. She didn't even ask how I was doing. I ate dinner in my room, it's like why bother to even try.

This is not the person I want to be, but as you know sometimes it's just too hard to be anything else.

It's almost 1 am and I have to stop listening to my lyme brain.

Thanks everyone. It helps just getting it out and knowing that people out there will understand.

Hey Laker,

I'm sorry to hear that the dedication you have for your family is not directly reflected. Personally I have shared some of the isolation you have to an extent. Unfortunately my wifes family is much like yours. She is over helping them whenever they need it, but whenever she needs the smallest thing, their needs are still more important.

It's really hard to deal with this, and I have lost most of my friends since acquiring this "new friend" as well. However there is people in my life that it has put a spotlight on that I would not have otherwise recognized as being the stand-up people that they are. What I'm getting at is that for those that isolate you because of your disease, there are those who embrace you for it. Don't forget about the other side of the coin, it's important! It has no doubt given you and your husband a stronger bond than you had ever imagined, given what you have already told me. I also bet there is those out there that you have been given a better connection with that you may not be directly thinking about today :)

Hope this helps. Sometimes I have to step back and re-embrace the big picture to find ease!

I cut all ties with most "Family members"......best thing I ever did,negative BS has no place for illness.

I wish you well and stay strong and positive!


r

I have a huge family and there is always a birthday party, house warming, anniversary, and a lot of children's performances to attend.

When I was sick I had to say I could not go and this distanced many relatives from me. I think they thought I didn't like them. I tried to spread the word that I was sick, but surely "I did not look sick."

They all have come around and I am so very glad. They even ask me questions about lyme.

So sometimes it is all about timing.

Hi Laker 7491!-

I am so sorry that you are dealing with a lack of support from your Mom and sister.

Maybe, you can sit down with them and tell them how you feel. You can explain what you deal with from day to day. Tell them that right now you need their love and support more than ever. Make them watch the movie: Under Our Skin.

If this doesn't work, or causes you too much stress, you might have to just walk away. You have to save your energy and strength to get better.

You have the love and support from your husband, which is wonderful!

And you can always come here for support. A lot of people here can relate to the frustration that comes along with this disease.

Sending you many (((((Hugs!)))))

Best Wishes!

I also, at one time in my life, divorced my entire biological family - best decision I've ever made. It opened up the door for supportive people coming into my life. I've since added some back in, but it took 10 years of me working on my own inner issues to reconnect with 2, and 20 years to connect with another. People on this board care about you! Keep coming back, and keep writing, it sure helps to get it out. Thinking kind thoughts, and so sorry for the pain of family - I truly empathize with this dynamic. Best,
MDK

Lyme & co experience gives us so many invaluable life lessons. Although I did not ask for these!

But this experience is VERY much a lonely one. In countless ways. Not having a spouse or significant other is unimaginable. And sometimes, having someone with you who doesn't understand or appreciate what you're going through can be as traumatic.

But it's also reminded me that you can only expect so much out of people unless you want to be perpetually disappointed. Even those who you love the most--or love us the most--can be disappointing. And this disease, this life we now lead, it's impossible for people to understand. I had surprise visitors today--good friends who basically disappeared on me over a year ago (even after I told them how much I felt abandoned by them). They didn't get it then, they didn't get other conversations we had since then. Maybe they understand now. Maybe not.

But I enjoyed the visit and will probably have to try again to help them really get it. Even then, they'll never really understand everything and I can't expect them to.

I haven't spoken to MOST people in my family for over a year.

Most people haven't abandoned us knowingly, they simply have no idea what we're going through or how to help or support us. I am terrible about explaining how - so the cycle continues. And WE have also changed--we're so consumed by this mess we are no longer reaching out to people on a regular basis like we used to - no longer checking in with people - I haven't sent a single birthday gift to my nieces/nephews in about 2 yrs (I can't afford it). SO that means we have to also remember to reach out, which helps others to remember to reach back to us.

The only things you can do are to communicate as effectively as you can that you need them and to ask for very specific (but reasonable) things from them (please call me every sunday and/or stop by on the 15th of every month...please pick up my Rx on your way here, next time that PBS program is on tv please let me know, please remind me what work you've done on your yard, send me photos of your vacation with your kids this summer)... etc. little ways they can reach out to you and make connections.

And if they do, great. if not, maybe they will next month. People have busy lives and sometimes they just don't think beyond them.

But if you can give them opportunities and not expect too much... YOU will be less stressed. I finally let it all go and only when I did that was I able to FEEL how stressed out I was about it. Resentment is going to add another 6 months on to my treatment, for sure, LOL so it's just not worth it.

-p

It's depressing as ****, but I kind of just live for me nowadays. I'm out for self, I say, nobody else (well, almost nobody). Friends, family, they're nice, but ain't a one been of much help to me over the past few years, save for my grandma and my (something of a) girlfriend. They're the only ones I'll ever owe a care in the world.

Grudges aren't healthy, but I've made exceptions for a few people, even if I still have love in my heart for them, and it hurts to view them in such a light. I'm all for forgiveness, but the person has to admit to wrongdoing, and strive to make amends. In this situation, these people don't know how gutted I've been by some of what they've done and said to me. I mean, I get it, Lyme's just the sort of condition that elicits that. It's hard to see, if you're not really looking, which is sad - someone you've known for years, could see you on a daily basis, not really seeing you, not really knowing you.

Doesn't make it right though. Gotten into countless arguments, plead my case over and over, before I finally realized that if someone really cared about you, there'd be trust and understanding, no question. You wouldn't have to struggle to win them over on something. You're on my side, or not. Nothing more.

So, yeah, I'm going to remember where they were at when I was on the bottom. I don't care, I'm out for health, success, happiness.. for me, not them. I hope I get it too, 'cause I wanna show them that I came from bottom, even if they don't know that was my home for years.

See it in how I walk, talk, the moves I make in this world. I'm gonna make these people feel me, if you know what I mean. My energy.

Haha.. anyway.. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Pardon me, y'all. Lost in some of my Lyme delirium. Not sure what's up or down tonight. Me.. obviously.. up, down, but never for long.

Anyway.. I gotta go work on some stuff I'm doing that will hopefully be a part of my contribution to this month's "life's rough, but here's some stuff" post. Wish me luck. ;)

edit: Happy 4th of July as well. I hope the day was alright for ya, even if you didn't celebrate.