HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

when people act this way....

Support Forums
>
Lyme Disease
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 9/18/2016 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
A follow up to an older thread I posted on "people distancing themselves when we are ill".....

Yesterday I went to the pet store with my dog and I crossed path with a young lady from my public speaking club. She was with friend and pretended to not see me.
Hmmm.....I roamed around the store trying to remember her name. Could not.
So I saw her again and this time I starred at her and said "Hey, long time not seen so how are you?"....she vamped red in face and was visibly uncomfortable. It was the first time she saw me without make up and I prbly looked pretty bad....lol. Anyway then she obviously did not want to talk to me but replied politely.
Since I forgot her name, I asked her...I am so sorry I forgot your name....She replied.....Oh no worries I know you must be on a ton of medication for your lyme disease don't worry about that!...
I am laughing at the whole encounter now. I told her no that I was not on any meds. Too funny!!

Anyway I departed from her....and she was happy I cut short of the convo.

Hmmm and other things like that happened to me. Other individuals contacted me to know how I am (I found out now they had and agenda....like club fee are due and I need to renew them). But later they just shut me down. I mean what the heck!! I have no leprosy!!.....

What's up with people behavior when someone is sick. I am not talking about lyme disease. I am talking a bout everything in general. Why do people do this when someone needs people the most?

It reminds me of when people commit sucicide and then I hear words like...oh if he/she would have reach out. My experience is that people do try to reach out but they are often shut down. This is a re-occurring experience through all my life with many people.

I know it happened to you as well.......

Post Edited (artermix) : 9/18/2016 4:19:06 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/18/2016 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry, Artermix. People don't deal with those with chronic illness very well, and it's a shame. I believe part of it is we remind them it could be them just as easily, and it makes them very uncomfortable.

I've dealt with this all my life. No one has anything in common with me, and I can't go running around town like they do, so they just choose to not have anything to do with me.
Posted 9/19/2016 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
That's just human nature. You can't change them...so you change your response to their actions and behavior.
Posted 9/19/2016 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
For me, it is when they finally see that I'm not myself and/or can not do anything that I use to. Everyone where I'm from is always on the go; either working or entertaining themselves with trivial things. I was one of them. A workhorse, who partied and liked taking risks. Now I'm the complete opposite. I'm no fun anymore and my days involve regaining my health and gardening when I can.

Some people find this lifestyle boring. Entertainment and white noise breaks the awkwardness and dullness of silence. Though, in my eyes silence is everything but dull. I'm able to meditate and see the areas in which I'm lacking whether that be virtue or humility, etc. I welcome silence and simplicity now, others do not and will not except a lifestyle like this. Not even for a moment. The burden to sit in silence brings about a lot of the restlessness that sits in the subconscious mind. It took me awhile to come to terms with my past.

Not only that but as a species, we stray from the weakest link, so as to not be brought down to their level. Of course, we have empathy and compassion but many do not want to have to face these burdens and help out others in need. "When you feel better, we can hang out," is what they say. As if when, I regain my health for a moment I can drive up to you and step into your lifestyle.

The worst thing a chronically ill person can do is expound their feelings. No one likes to hear about suffering and sickness but of course to the chronically ill person it is the truest thing they are feeling. There needs to be a balance but many people do not want to hear any of it so they stray away and avoid the sick person. This leads to the poorest sensation known to man. Loneliness, which is why suicide is so prevalent with chronically ill people. Hence, the reason I came to terms with my past and try to rid of my ego and focus on myself and my family.

Post Edited (birthdaysuit) : 9/18/2016 7:10:39 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/19/2016 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
I struggle with this so much. It is just so hurtful to lose everything and then our "friends". :(
Posted 9/19/2016 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
artermix (any relation to the Greek Goddess?)~Yes, it hurts terribly, especially with BFFs you thought were there for ya thru thick & thin. But I do think it is mostly just the busy lifestyle of everyone.

Birthdaysuit~Well put! I heard an interview with a Mom (her child was allegedly infected with Zika). She said you just adjust to a "new normal." You see beauty in so many more little things when challenged in this way. And truer words couldn't be said re expounding to others with feelings -add to that symptoms! A few have asked so very sincerely about health & I've seen my share of eyes glossed over. They really do not want to here! Spouse doesn't want to hear to either, tho he still gets a dose of it!
Posted 9/19/2016 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
@ Traveler......horrible. You are such a nice person and I don't even know you.
That is wrong.
I'd hang out with you all the times and make you Italian pasta...with Einkorn flour and fresh raw tomatoes. :-)

@ Krimpet.....I know. But ya know I like to vent this. I NEED to vent it. I do not try to change people and I have become a good reader of character.

@birthdaysuit.....yes all you say is very true and accurate to the details. People behavior fascinates me and maddens me at times. Believe it if I tell you that many people stopped hanging out with me when I quit eating like them (years ago pre-lyme). They felt uncomfortable with my new lifestyle.
All true and very well put birthdaysuit.

@ AK.... I want to say I struggle with this too, but I also got used to it through all my life and all the different adversity.

@happyjo....lol...yes partially bc my real name Roman version. I do not like to say and find excuses for people inability to show some humanity ...like I am too busy for you. I did that for soon long with so many friends and family. they were too busy but I always found time for them. Now no more. No busy life for them. You either want to be someone friend or not ....in sickness and health....lol.
Posted 9/19/2016 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
This is what I do. Besides my close friends nobody knows that I'm sick. Don't spread the news and people won't know about it. I know we want to be vocal about it... but believe me most people they don't care.
Posted 9/19/2016 7:53 AM (GMT 0)
I h@ve visable things been using a cane and that helps ....i once saw a sticker saidget well soon cuz your chronic illness is boring and depressing..also a lady in iv room said ..i wanted to be well more than sympathy ..and even with migrains she would say ih i have some head fog going on ...i want to not be sick so bad ..better than not knowing ...only took 12 yrs and 6 month of drs and er s...i look at normies in the store and get so jello...darn muscles ..i want muscles
Posted 9/19/2016 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry to hear these stories, really and truly. Knowing that it's happening to other people too is not comforting in any way.

I've lost two of my closest friends and the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with since being diagnosed. My "friends" bailed pretty early on. The surprising thing is that they both have family members who have health issues so I don't think that it's because they don't understand illness. They also both know that I'm alone with no family. I think it's more of the fact that I can't drink or hang out like I used to; I can't be there for them at a moment's notice.

The thing is, I don't think of myself as sick...I think of myself as sick-right-now. Eventually, I'll be able to do more and get back to a more normal life. Right now, I just need to deal with getting to that point. Still, there are times when I feel that I may die of a broken heart.
Posted 9/19/2016 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
Yes....I get it. Robby Viera....but that is not reality.....I take your side too because I have not told everyone. But most people I did. It just seemed odd for me to drop certain things without giving an explanation. I am a very transparent person. That is a problem, because people do not grow up knowing how to deal with transparency.

bluelyme.....when it is visible can't hide it. But I do not have visible proof, except that perhaps I been neglecting myself a little a lot. So now folks see a side of me that might not like. And goes back to what birthdaysuit said above.

pmm73....a feel people have selected sympathy for selected illness. Again I am not asking for anyone sympathy. I am asking to continue friendship as usual ..and be open about anything. Not so.

A neighbor of mine the other day stopped me while I was heading for my run....he is a very nice person and always takes time to listen to me. He has a german shepherd dog, who loves my dog (all of us in nearby neighborhood with dogs have good relationships....funny that pets bring people together).

Anyhow.... we talked just about all the above I posted. He was trying to give me good advices...for the first time I actually really appreciated it, even when he went off a "passionate christian spiritual" tangent. As he was talking telling me his story....I discovered he is a war veteran and he too went through similar experience with people relationships, but with a much heavier baggage of other human death experiences. He said that he got so depressed at one point that he retreated (we all have done that) and after 4 months only 3 people had called him. One of them just wanted to know if he was still alive.....but never proceeded to continue having contact with him.

When in the post above ya'll reply very sensitive matter....birthdaysuit and Traveler and happyjo....to me is that people do not want to hear because of FEAR a major primal fear inside themselves who moves them to shut down a world that could harm their psychology.
Posted 9/19/2016 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't know what was wrong with me for much of my life, so I couldn't tell people I was chronically ill. That didn't change a thing though. It's like PMM said, it was due to me not being able to do all the things THEY want me to do. I simply can't run around town all day, hang out at a Little League baseball game for 4 hours and then a party afterwards, or any other number of things.

It comes down to the amount of compassion a person has. I've had people that know nothing of Lyme or living with chronic health issues, yet are very concerned for me and are careful to ask about me each time we see them, but they live 3 or more hours away, so being active in my life is not possible.

Okay stopping here, because I'm going to go really negative if I don't. Sometimes people just suck.
Posted 9/19/2016 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
lol Traveler.....yes they do.....we need a funny thread now.....
Posted 9/19/2016 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
In my little world I have found that it is lack of knowledge and fear. Most of the people I know lack knowledge about lyme. Heck, I was one of them once. And with that lack of knowledge comes the fear of catching it.

I did not lose any friends but I sure did not constantly talk about lyme to everyone. I'm not much of a party animal any more. Been there, done that and grew older. lol

There were months that I did not go out for lunch, dinners or even family functions. But among my friends, we all take breaks and do our own things. So it was not that unusual.

Now the hardest part for me was the brain fog. Being a bookkeeper, type A personality and huge perfectionist - that was difficult. I did have to explain a few times to the Board of Directors, that I could not recall and would have to check and get back to them. I was not as sharp as remembering EVERYTHING like I used to. But, it all worked out and for me it was better than bs'ing my way through it.

I went to birthday parties, but instead of saying I was ill. I just said, "I will have to leave early." I think I kept my illness to myself a lot.

I know one thing - I sure look at others differently now. I wonder how many have unseen illnesses that they are keeping to themselves? And how many have I confided in and they have something way worse? Lyme made me a heck of a lot more compassionate about unseen owies.
Posted 9/19/2016 2:52 PM (GMT 0)

artermix said...


pmm73....a feel people have selected sympathy for selected illness. Again I am not asking for anyone sympathy. I am asking to continue friendship as usual ..and be open about anything. Not so.

A neighbor of mine the other day stopped me while I was heading for my run....he is a very nice person and always takes time to listen to me. He has a german shepherd dog, who loves my dog (all of us in nearby neighborhood with dogs have good relationships....funny that pets bring people together).


I don't want sympathy either...just a little understanding and maybe a "hey, how are you" every once in a while! Not stupid high school crap from middle-aged adults!

And then there are DOGS!! The best parts of my day are walking my dog and meeting other dogs/people in the neighborhood. The walking part hurts, but it's worth it! :)
Posted 9/19/2016 3:23 PM (GMT 0)

pmm73 said...

artermix said...


pmm73....a feel people have selected sympathy for selected illness. Again I am not asking for anyone sympathy. I am asking to continue friendship as usual ..and be open about anything. Not so.

A neighbor of mine the other day stopped me while I was heading for my run....he is a very nice person and always takes time to listen to me. He has a german shepherd dog, who loves my dog (all of us in nearby neighborhood with dogs have good relationships....funny that pets bring people together).


I don't want sympathy either...just a little understanding and maybe a "hey, how are you" every once in a while! Not stupid high school crap from middle-aged adults!

And then there are DOGS!! The best parts of my day are walking my dog and meeting other dogs/people in the neighborhood. The walking part hurts, but it's worth it! :)

darn, all of my pets have passed in the time I have been sick.

The word I've found for close friends distancing themselves during your chronic illness is “stiff-arming," or creating as much space as possible from the possibility of trauma. It’s merely thinking in the service of denial. As if bad things are happening to you and I stay away from you, then I’ll be safe. You'll get the pseudo-care questions where they'll ask vaguely if there’s anything they can do but never follow up.

Chronically ill people want to feel like they are being understood. And at least in my case, I'm happy when a friend does come down to see me, even when I've said no!

But in many cases friends can feel too much empathy rather than not enough. So I guess they paint a vivid picture of our chronic illness happening to themselves. For that reason they distant themselves. Families can feel similarly when another family members child suffers from cancer. They feel as if it is all too real and could happen to their child.

Vulnerability; what should I say, what should I do? Mine as well distant myself so I do not have to face the trauma and burden of emotional discomfort. Its built deep within our subconscious minds. It's innate and primal and although it's normal it no less disappointing for the chronically ill person.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply