Its not worth it anymore for me

The money we spend on this illness is certainly a source of stress for us lyme people....I ramped up my cc way beyond what I can repay.....I cannot buy anymore supplements except the basic anymore. This is killing me.
BUT I do not want to let that upset me too much. I will figure something.

I hope Sam12 is all right. He has not been back to the forum since yesterday.

SAM.....come back!!!!!

Sam
I was in your exact spot two weeks ago after fighting this stuff for a year. I finally just went to sleep with the help of Benadryl and woke up feeling somewhat better. The dark spot you are in will pass. I kept thinking of my children having to explain to my young grandchildren (5 of them ages 6 & under)how come Grandma wasn't around anymore. I went to sleep clutching a pillow with their pictures on it. Don't give up hope. I'm sure your family needs and loves you. Just last week I finally started to have my worse symptom lessen so there is hope. You just have to keep trying until you find the right combination of things to take. I had to find a new LLMD to help me. This disease stinks!

Sam12 remember this is affecting all parts of your body and mind. If you haven't, I would personally do neurotransmitter testing, adrenal testing (full panel with testosterone), and thyroid (TSH, FT3, and FT4). There are chemical imbalances that are at play here.
It's not all about the killing of these bacteria, fungi, and viruses. Sometimes the body needs other support.

You have been treating since June and in the bigger scope of things, that's not that long. I know when you are suffering that's not what you want to hear but you really don't know when you are going to turn that corner and get to the point when you consistently have better days.

Keep fighting and forging ahead. Even though you can't see them, there are better days ahead. Believe that deeply in your heart especially when things look dismal, doom, and gloom.

Yeah....agree with all everyone said. We all understand because we have those moments.
I think this forum needs a lounge like a lyme lounge tiki bar...that place where we go and vent ...but seems that threads here can be only 3 pages long. WHY?????
A never ending disease like lyme should have a 30 pages thread.

Sam12 ...glad to hear you are back to some of your wits today...I am not all against people out of their wits...but in the right place and at the right time.

I remember how horrified a close family member was when I shared with him, during my darkest moment of suffering, confusion and despair, that if someone offered me a small pill with the guarantee that if I swallowed it, that I would quickly and peacefully fall asleep and never wake up again, that I would follow through on it. I was really serious at the time. There didn't seem to be any other way.

I look back on this moment in time and am grateful that such a pill was not available to me. My mom's words echoed in my mind: "It is always darkest before the dawn."

This is a tough tough journey. Every day is a new day. A different day. A day that can't be planned. Only coped with to the best of our ability. It is often a very lonely journey. There are many ups and downs. I often feel as though I am living in a Parallel Universe. Us, with Lyme, and those without Lyme. When I try to describe Lyme to those who know nothing about it, they appear puzzled or disbelieving. They may have heard something about it and sometimes not. It is however surprising to me what is blurted out during a conversation. Or avoided. Not everyone can handle someone who is ill. I know that I wasn't invited to my cousin's wedding this summer because I have Lyme. The bride isn't comfortable with it all. I will often keep it to myself that I have Lyme. (and Bartonella). It's a game changer.

Lyme disease I have found out has been around for years. Yet it feels as though it has only just been discovered. Finding out that many people have been suffering for years, with or without a diagnoses is worse than any horror story that I could ever have imagined. Equal to that is the fact that it is such a struggle to find an effective protocol.

In addition, amazingly enough, Lyme disease sufferers, I have discovered, are among the most caring, generous and compassionate people that I have ever encountered in my life.

Thank goodness we aren't down in the dumps all at the same time. During our darkest moments, there is always someone to send light. And that light is sent back to us during our moment of need.

The important part is to reach out. We matter. We are loved. And we are worth it.

We are going to make it through. We are going to win this battle. Sleep is the most important part of our recovery. Restorative sleep. I would say that not being able to sleep was my worst nightmare. it was torture. So far so good for now.

As Buzz would say: "Onward and Upward, to infinity and beyond."

We shall beat the spirochete.

Morning Sam,

At first I didn't want to respond because it meant revisiting a bad place in my life when I was very sick. This morning I feel stronger emotionally so I will share with you the time in my life when I wanted to die and had planned it out.

I was done taking Doxy (my gut didn't handle it too well and I wasn't getting better). I didn't know what to do next. I was totally alone with the exception of my 2 doggies. I had no money as all my money was being used to pay a mortgage on a house I bought. I had no food, no heat, no hot water.

I also had no support from my family (yes, I was very angry at them for that) or what used to be my so-called friends (I found out who my real friends were and they no longer existed).. I was so hungry that I walked into a church (and I'm not religious) and took a bag of food from the poor box (later on I replaced that food).

I lost all hope and I just wanted to be done with it all. I had in in-ground pool in back of my house and it was close to wintertime. I was going to drown myself in my pool so I wouldn't have to feel any more pain (emotional, physical, etc.).

Right before I was going to drown myself I thought to myself "who was going to take care of my boys?".. I loved my doggies and I just couldn't abandon them. So then I thought what if I put weights on my doggies so they could drown too? But I couldn't figure out how to put weights on them.

So I changed my mind and said to myself maybe something will change tomorrow and I'll hang in there for awhile as I could always drown myself.

Well long story short something did happen: I had joined a lyme forum (not this one) and was reading posts by a husband of a very sick woman who was finally getting treatment after being sick for over 30 years (she was misdiagnosed with fibro). This man's posts started to give me hope as his wife was starting to get better. This couple didn't believe in abx but somehow this man found Dr. Jernigan and his clinic and he posted in detail all the treatments Dr. Jernigan was giving to his wife and they were working! Later on his wife who couldn't put words together also started to post about her treatments and how she was improving.

Please don't think I am promoting Dr. Jernigan, I'm not because what works for one person may not work for another. What I am saying is that by reading these posts I began to have hope again!! I sold some jewelry I had and bought Dr. Jernigan's book and one of his botanicals and my healing journey began.

The rest is history as my life turned around and I healed from chronic lyme all because of this wonderful couple who gave me hope.

I apologize for my long story but the bottom line is just when you think you can't handle it anymore something wonderful may happen to you as it did for me. If I would have gone through with drowning myself I wouldn't have known about this protocol.

Please hang in there Sam okay? If you ever want to talk privately please e-mail me as I am there for you. I know the feelings of desperation and losing all hope. I lived it.

I'm sending you BIG, BIG Hugs Sam as it does get better.

(((((((((( HUGS )))))))))) Denise

Sam12, Thinking of you this morning. If you care to, please check in with us. Had insomnia last night so was up praying for you most of the night (all of us too).

Deejavu, Your story is so beautiful and so very inspiring. I have a feeling you just changed a lot of people and gave out some collective HOPE. It's beautiful. Thank you. I am very grateful that you and the boys are in a good place.

PMM,

Sounds you have the perfect words to respond. Thank you. Love all you guys too and seriously do not know where I would be without this board.

artermix said...
Yeah....agree with all everyone said. We all understand because we have those moments.
I think this forum needs a lounge like a lyme lounge tiki bar...that place where we go and vent ...but seems that threads here can be only 3 pages long. WHY?????
A never ending disease like lyme should have a 30 pages thread.

This forum site has 33 (I believe) separate forums contained on it. The Lyme forum is one of the busier forums, and the servers are not be able to keep up with threads that are longer than 3 pages (missing posts, page won't load and other difficulties), so Admin asks that the mods watch and be sure that threads only get so long.

This is why the mods will offer to help start a part 2 of any thread. This is just something that is done here, in the Lyme forum as far as I have seen.

But, there is a chat room available here. Just click on the chat button (above, right beside the search button - right hand side of the blue bar where they log on/off button is). There may or may not be another mod "overseeing" the chat room and I would suggest that you co-ordinate with others to 'meet' there at a specific time so you aren't there by yourself.

Honestly, I used to watch the chat room for Lyme members, but soon realized that if I just stayed on the forum, I could answer posts fairly quickly and help get others involved for a broader experience range.

I agree Artemix. Deejavu, your story captivated me and drew out of me so many emoticons including laughter. The world stood still as I read your story. I am still overcome as I write this. May the powers to be bless you and yours always xo.

"It is always darkest before the dawn. Upward and onward. To infinity and beyond."

I am emotional reading all your posts. I have never had this much support in my life. I wish I could do something for all of you. I cant thank you all enough for your kindness. You all are truly angels. Something I will do is pray for all of us to get better and beat this disease.

Sam12,

You just did. We all wanted to hear from you today/tonight and hear you are. My happiest moment of the day was reading that you feel better today than yesterday! Really. There is love and support here. And if you need a cry-then-laugh read Deejavu's story. It get's better.