Lyme Encephalitis and Depression

It's taken months for me to find the mental strength to find my login info to Healingwell, login, and post this.

It seems like that's my new norm. Tasks that used to take a few painless moments, now take weeks and sometimes months to tackle.

Laundry is a new one. Self care has been a contender, but luckily that has some more immediate social consequences. I shudder just thinking about where am I today.

This September of 2017 makes 3 years since I was bitten. What's more significant is that August of this year makes it a year since my symptoms flew off the charts.

NeuroLyme. Chronic Lyme. You guys know the drill.

In my version: I came home from work last August after having multiple seizures on the job. (I was a professional Nanny).
I was checked for a stroke. Bells Palsy started to set it on my face. I was having a major herx, likely from being out in the Florida Summer Sun for hours.

Since then, it's been a year of debilitating neurological symptoms.

I can't go into all the details, because im in a bit of denial. It feels like it's been one long assault on my brain, heart, joints, and willpower.

I just need to catch a breath. This disease has sought to rob me of my life, my memories, my joy.

As it stands now, I've only self treated. I have located an llmd but don't have the money to pay. I have found some success in eating clean, castor oil packs, coffee enemas, sitting in a massage chair, infrared sauna, cupping, positive thinking, fresh air, grounding, alkalizing, good dental care, monolaurin, enzymes, French green clay, bentonite clay, activated charcoal, magnesium, and probiotics . I've got Borrelia, Bartonella, Babesia, and that's really all I have to go on.

I've been to the ER once, though I knew they couldn't help much. Doctors have been the enemy. It's been my against my disease. Family members claim I'm full of it.

And all that aside this post is mainly to discuss where I'm at now.

A year into falling apart and forcing myself through the foggiest most debilitating, can't lift my head off the pillow neuro Lyme, I was able to over the course of about 7 months find a little protocol that's making me less sick and allows me to coast a little smoother.

The herxing is killer. My heart feels like it will just give out one day. Sometimes I cry or laugh during it, typically accompanying my multiple seizures, and talk to myself. I say things like:

Haha haha one day my limbs are just going to fall off. Can my arms fall off? Is my brain going to explode? Will I ever have feeling back in my shoulder? Will I ever get back to work? Who am I? I want to die. Please make it stop. Okay okay, I'm doing all the right things HOW long is this going to take?

I read sometimes of people taking antibiotics and getting results in a matter of a week. I've been at this a year and I'm just starting to see some results.

I spent the better part of the year barely holding on.
Suicidal, but not. My spirit just wants to live. My body wants to rest.
So close to giving up. But always forcing myself to just hold on a little longer.

I've wanted to reach out. I've wanted support. I may just be one of the most isolated people with Lyme. I'll go days without human contact.

I have seizures, I stare at walls. It's gotten real.

The pain of missing out on life. On forgetting who I am. On feeling like I'm on a bad trip that never ends. A few weeks ago I would've described my state as "perpetually scared". Now..?

Well, I've made it through angry, determined, tired, incapable, brave, exhausted, scared, devastated, and I guess where I'm at now.. is..

I'm just sitting. I'm sitting with reality. I'm letting reality exist without trying to punch at it or cry over it. Or run from it. I'm just sitting with it. Trying to move with the current instead of against it. But I'll tell you what,

This really sucks. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired.

Thank you, Girlie. I really appreciate the support.

I have tried a modified Cowden and became really ill doing so.

My body can only handle detox and some gentle spirochete killing.

Im not on antibiotics. I've read so many differing ideas as to whether or not it's a long-term solution. I had one doxy course for about 2 weeks, 3 months ago. Right after being diagnosed. Nothing since.

I'm truly on my own here. I'm just now able to start reading again and am hoping that I can retain this new info long enough to implement some new healing strategies.

Hi Herestobeingme,
Glad you joined our forum, It really can be complex the day in and day out of facing this illness.

I have had moments when I just cant believe what were all going through but what helped was coming here to this forum, reading posts, trying to offer support to others, asking a question about treatment.

Please join us whenever you need support or want to let it all out. Like Girlie said we are here and we understand the isolation and severity of all of this.

Remember people do get better , I have seen it here, so there is hope for a better day.

Is there any support groups in your area where you could connect with others that have Lyme and co?

Well you take care Jo