Does anyone wish their friends to be unhappy?

I know this sounds morbid...but ever since I got since I almost want my successful friends and family to fail. I feel like a bad person for thinking that but I can’t help it. Some of my friends that are not smart are so successful now and itmake me really jealous. It makes me not want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I’m tired of hearing about their lucky and happy lives.

I’m just not doing well mentally. And if I don’t have mental health I really have nothing. 2 days ago I contemplated suicide by taking a whole bottle of Benadryl. I’m on psychiatric meds I know the protocol. Going to the ER wouldn’t help I’ve been hospitalized before. But I John st don’t feel like I can take this disease any longer. I can’t wven watch my 2.5 year old daughter. We are completely broke because my husband is still in school for the next 2.5 years. I just feel like a burden at this point. And I honestly do hate everyone else who is successful. I had to stop going on Facebook and I’ve limited talking to friends.

Thanks Goshawk,
It does feel overwhelming. The disease has made my marriage fall apart and I can’t even watch my daughter or provide for the family. We are in poverty because of me. I’m a burden and yes I think suicide would help. The only thing holding me back is the possibility that it could screw up my daughter if she knows her mom committed suicide. If that weren’t an issue I’d be gone.

Lvg - I'm so sorry you are suffering like this.

Suicide is not an answer. You are going through a bad time right now.

Your daughter needs you. Get a photo of her and keep it with you...and when you feel low...look at it ...

Believe me, it gets better. I often went a few days without showering in the early days of this disease.

I'm thinking a therapist would help you...just someone you can talk to and share what you're feeling.
I know it helped me. This counsellor I saw was not Lyme Literate...but she knew I was in pain...and scared...and we would talk...I always felt better after seeing her.


We are here for you Lvg123 - just know that we understand and many of us know what you are going through.

(((hugs)))

Lvg123 -

You are doing OK. Keep posting and talking with people... and maybe put off talking with your friends for a little while. The GOOD ones will still be there when you're ready.

Can you find a live support group near you - I definitely think you should continue posting and sharing on our forum - very smart of you to post and talk about how you're feeling. But it's also good to talk with people face-to-face who know exactly how you're feeling. Try looking up a chronic disease support group if you don't have a Lyme one there. Even a cancer support group might be helpful (unless there are restrictions).

Just keep talking and sharing.

The neurotoxins produced by the infections and their impact on the body and the impact of treatment can affect all of the neurotransmitter functions, which can create the emotions you're describing. So, what's going on in your brain is chemical. It's not you - it's the chemical reactions in your body.

The first month after starting IV Rocephin and IV Vancomycin was brutal for me. The first two weeks I was literally losing my mind - I would cycle on an hourly basis from panic to morose sadness to anxiety to rage to numb to whatever came next. It was devastating and terrifying. I contemplated suicide every single day during that period. It eventually improved but took time and a lot of detoxing and healing my gut.

Hang in there -

-p

You're doing all the right things - just keep doing them. We're always here to talk.

-p

Thank you so much guys I really needed to hear all of that. I’m just doing poorly at the moment but hopefully I’ll come out of it at some point. I was fired from my job in March 2016 and I just found out that my boss who I worked closely with and who fired me died. I’m a little shocked...I thought ugh this so many terrible things about him and imagined myself stabbing him for firing me and now he’s just gone. He was a good guy besides firing me for being sick. It’s just like one day we are here and the next we can be gone.

I just saw this. I think most Lyme patients get depressed and frequently feel like ending it, but your daughter needs you now and will need you for as long as you live. A close friend of mine has three kids, and her husband recently committed suicide. Her kids are a mess because of it. It's heartbreaking to hear the stories of how they're affected.

Do you have any faith in God? I struggle with it some days, but even with my doubts I continue to offer all of my pain and sorrows up to God in the hopes that it will do some good somehow. Even if it's just karma, I'm going to try to put some positive energy out in the world for someone. There has to be some good that can come out of our suffering. I firmly believe that.

Having Lyme is awful. It seems that every week I find more things I can't do, I gain more weight, I spend more money on treatments that don't work, and I lose more contact with the outside world. I just keep trying to keep it together for my children and husband even though I can do less and less for them. None of them really understand it, and I feel like a huge failure, but at least I'm here emotionally for them. Be there for your daughter.

I know Lyme is isolating, but you are NOT alone. I just found this forum tonight, and already I feel a little bit better just knowing that you're feeling the same way I frequently do. I mean, I would never wish this on you or anyone else, but just seeing your post made me feel less alone, so realize that you've already helped ME.

Don't give up. Your daughter needs you, and you're already helping other people (me) just by sharing. God bless.

Hi, Are there possibly any outside sources that may be of help to you. To help you with personal needs like bathing, food prep cleaning,child care etc.

If a family member could help research this for you it would be great.I would check with local govt.(city hall) ,churches,Lyme groups, medical foundations etc.

My sister id disabled and and a foundation that isn't even about her illness pays someone to come in three times a week.
Help is always good to take away some of the stress of this illness.

I am so glad to hear you speak of your little one, they are so precious.

Let your child be the light of your day and know that you have a purpose in life. Sharing and being with your child is so important. Joy can come in small packages and moments...just a giggle or smile from a child can warm your heart.

Hang in there and we will all figure out these infections together.

Take care and I wish you he best of healing, Jo

If you see the thread of Chicken Arise called Does this happen to many of us? it may give you a hint.

The first video of only 16 minutes dealing with lactic acidosis explain a lot of psycho negative even killing thoughts of even children, young and adults.

with lyme, acidosis is at highest, and all kinds of negative thoughts arise. You think it's you, in fact it is almost like an external 'power' taking charge of your brain and controlling emotions.

Another video of the same dr ChickenArise posted explain that it may also happen for people on psycho drugs.

Hoping to hear from Lvg today...

Lvg I am so sorry you are going through this. This disease is isolating but you have to know you are not the only one feeling this way. I hit rock bottom this past summer. I thought about suicide many of times but a small part of me is holding on to hope. My hope for you is that you can start having some good days because it does get better. I am definetly not back to my normal health but I have seen great improvements in the past month or so. Hang in there.

Hi LVG
I am a new member but felt the need to answer your post.
I came off Facebook and all social media. I have Bipolar. I have been through years of depression and suicidal thoughts increased by Lyme and lost friends and family through ignorance and because i am not the person i was to them BUT inside of us all is the strength to get past being scruffy unshowered, fatigued and ill and fight on. This site seems to have many wonderful people here to help and give information to us all. Keep strong and know your not alone. HUGS S X

Lvg123 said...
Thank you so much guys. Today I feel good much better. My husband will help me shower. But these ups and downs are driving me crazy. I feel blessed to feel good today and feel thankful to have my family but I still have negative thoughts. I particularly have extremely negative thoughts about my ex best friend. She ditched me when I got sick and I can’t help but hope for bad things to happen to her. We were best friends since first grade and I’m 31 now. I’m a Christian and well aware that I should curse anyone but I just can’t with her. It’s not even that she ditched me it’s that she’s a bad person too so I just hope her life ends up sucking. I’m sorry I feel like a horrible person for saying all this.

I just saw this video and thought of you. I think it's at about 2:20 when they start talking about losing close friends and how your social circle changes.

http://patienttalk.com/video/the-social-impact-of-lyme-disease/

Also, the idea of having an advocate talk for you about how physically hard it is to be able to go anywhere is a great idea. I don't know anyone who would be an advocate for me, but maybe your husband would do it if he saw this video.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Don't feel bad about your thoughts. Everyone has rotten thoughts sometimes, especially if they're going through horrible times. I have ups and downs, and sometimes the downs last for months. Hang in there.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.