Dealing with loss

chrisespo,

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I am so glad you felt able to reach out to us here on the forum. Losing everything is, unfortunately, very common for those dealing with Lyme disease. All lose something. Many lose a lot, and some lose all.

I've lost my home, my job, my church, and the freedom to go where I want mostly because of mold illness related to the Lyme disease.

I had symptoms for 7.5 years before I knew what was wrong with me. Symptoms came and went for the first 6 years. For the last 2 years, they've been constant and much worse. Still, I am not bedridden, wheelchair bound, or out of my mind. I am very thankful for that. I did not know that Lyme and coinfections were the cause of my symptoms until the first of this year. Last September, I was diagnosed with CIRS from mold exposure and left my home and office. My parents and I have been living with a relative for a year now with no end in sight. We thought we'd be here a few weeks! Last November, I hired an expert consultant to give me a mold remediation protocol that would address my health issues. This consultant was recommended to me by my doctor. I have not received a protocol from him yet. I am lost and confused on what to do about my house and living arrangements. I get OCD/ADD which makes it very difficult for me to focus and do what I need to about this situation, so it's still unresolved.

I was allowed to telework from my relative's house for 6 months and then was told they could not allow me to continue. When they told me I couldn't continue to work from home, I cried for 2 weeks. They offered me accommodations under the Disability Act, but the accommodations still required me to work in the office building 4 days per week. I couldn't because of exposure to moderate amounts of mold in the building and also the chemical sensitivities that I'd developed. My cognitive function and emotional ups and downs got worse instead of better. I've hired a lawyer to help me retire under disability, as that was the only option for me, as I couldn't perform the essential duties of my position anymore. I'm 47 and had 15 years of service with the Federal government in a job I loved with people I cared about. I had expected to work there until normal retirement age.

I started treating the Lyme and coinfections with herbs the first of June. about a month ago, I had some real improvement in my cognitive and emotional functioning that lasted 2 full weeks. I was so happy. I felt so much better, I felt like I could go back to work again. I even started wondering if I was even really that sick. Then the antimicrobial herbs apparently started killing some things, and I relapsed. The OCD/ADD came back along with some other symptoms. So yeah - I am that sick, and I really can't go back to my job.

I am a spiritual person, too. I found out mold was a huge factor in my illness in Sep 2016. A few weeks later, a hurricane came and caused water damage and mold in my church. I went to church twice after the hurricane. That 2nd Sunday, I could smell the mold. The church members had lots of work done on the building and were told by mold remediators that there was no mold, but I could still smell it and feel effects from the mycotoxins. I tried going to a different church once, but the air in the building felt stale and there was a heavy smell of fragrance. I have chemical sensitivities and can't tolerate smells. I have only been to church twice in the last year. That is hurting me spiritually.

I have been trusting God to guide and direct my path through all of this, and I know He is. I know deep inside that everything I'm going through is for a reason, even though it hurts and often makes me feel lost and confused and angry and resentful. I still have hope. When I hit bottom and feel sorry for myself, I think about Jesus and all He went through just for us. The Bible says He was despised and rejected and was acquainted with grief and sorrow. His own family and closest friends, who were His disciples, did not understand Him. He was falsely accused, betrayed, and executed. He gets it. I know I can trust Him.

I hope you by sharing some of what I've been through will make you feel less alone. I understand the loss of self esteem. I felt it, too. My emotions have been up and down all throughout this ordeal, mainly driven by my symptoms. There have been times I felt like I was going to lose it and wanted to run off in the woods and die. I've had those feelings numerous times. Thankfully, they pass pretty quickly. Those wild emotions and hopeless thoughts, IMO, are driven by the toxins.

I felt like this all last week, horrible crying almost every single day because I lost a relationship and my friendships. I decided that enough was enough and I was going to do some deep soul searching to figure out what I needed. I figured out which meds were and weren't making me feel good and I cut one of them that was making me feel way worse. I am now on day 2 of improvements in my mood and life, and my head is clearer.

Maybe you're responding to the treatments and that is what is making you feel worse. You will feel well again you just need to keep fighting through and never stop. I promise it will get better.

Hi i had the worst year of my life just turned 46 today and i feel emotionally old still have this illness,no career,and all the money we have to put out...know one understands until they go through it i lost my mom to cancer last year and was sick myself and a caretaker for her i would be shaking like a leaf from the stress....so i do understand loss my mom was the stringest woman i know and my rock with this illness..

Oh your welcome just know this will make you a stronger person in the end and little things you will not take for granted..yes i am feeling about 50 percent better but miss my mom dearly every day she was to young.