Feeling Suidical

No one around? Please someone say something. I just need a human connection!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying something! It helps to even know there is someone who hears me and can relate!

I'm so, so sorry we are both going through this! It's not fair and it really, really sucks! I have a 14 year old who needs me, too. And two dogs. Don't be afraid of the pupper. I've gotten MANY tick bites in my life, and I don't think a single one can be attributed to my dogs (I've had many dogs over the course of my life--never without one). If you don't have one, consider the Sorresto (sp?) collar. Since putting them on my dogs, I've only found one, single, dead tick on my two puppers. And it's been over two years we've been using them. And your dog can provide you with so much support if you're not afraid of the ticks and fleas.

But again, thank you for just providing a voice in the wilderness during a VERY dark night!

Post Edited (notquitesoscared13) : 11/2/2017 3:22:18 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for touching base. It's comforting just to feel heard. Lyme is so isolating, and I didn't have a good support network before I got sick. Add to that a dysfunctional workplace where I don't feel heard and appreciated--it's brutal!

Yeah, the puppers are a great source of support. Animals have always been a better source of emotional comfort for me than people.

Thank you, Jo. Now that the sun is coming up I'm feeling a bit better already. Those dark nights of the soul can be gut-wrenching!

I'm really sorry you are going through this I'm currently doing an internship and it's a struggle to get through every day. I'm exhausted and feel gross and SICK. Being ill long term is horrible since people don't get it. There are good days and bad days and it's really hard.

You have to hang in there, find a good doctor in your area and get help! I know it seems really scary and hopeless, but that's just the illness talking. People get through this and are able to live a good life again.

I too just wanted to say we are here for you! I am so familiar with those nights of pure exhaustion and lying awake maybe to drift off for an hour or 2. I also have had thoughts in the past that I could easily run into a tree and end it all but my children kept me going, I would never do that to them. There will be a day you'll look back and see the darkness you were in and you'll be so thankful that you stayed strong. Please do stay strong, you can do this even though it might seem impossible! You have all of us for support!

I'm here. This feeling is sadly normal for lyme patients. I think we have all wondered "why" and "for how long?"

Don't let lyme steal your joy. It is still there, but just hidden for a bit.

Hang in there and know many of us here really do care.

You are definitely not alone. Sometimes when we see people who are worse off, it helps. Please know that many of us share your struggles. I have an abusive ex, and I have tween kids so still need to deal with him. It's stressful for me every time they are with them, but the courts allow plenty of time for mentally ill parents unless they are sexually or physically abusive. Apparently knocking over xmas trees and chairs doesn't count as physical.

Most of my family of origin is deceased and the others live a plane ride away. I have a full-time demanding stressful job that I need to keep so my kids can go to college, because the pittance their dad provides won't get them there. I don't have a significant other. Either the lack of time, the fatigue, or the ptsd from my marriage gets in the way. I am alone most of the time is how it feels.

And I have mornings where I don't know how I'm going to get up and do my 1.5 hour commute.

That's my "poor me" story. Yet...there's a man down the street who lost his loving wife to cancer. I have another friend who lost her leg to cancer. I know a family who struggle financially to stay in a condo in this school district so their kids can have a better education.

So remember as you breathe in and breathe out, you are breathing. You are alive! And with each breath we take, things can change. You always have to hold onto hope for a brighter future, and sometimes, looking at others, helps to see that your present isn't so bad and you can be grateful for what you do have.

It's hard when we're in that moment of "I don't want to do this anymore; I don't want to be "here" anymore". That's the time to breathe, and start your gratitude list in your head. I know for me, coming to this forum and being able to share is towards the top of my list, probably right under my children.

Going through my divorce, I discovered the only people who really understood divorcing an abusive spouse were people that have been through it. Others would say the dumbest things! I'm finding the same with lyme. We look okay, so how can we be hurting? Or tired? I've also discovered that sometimes the people we want to spend time with changes as we go through these experiences, and that's ok too.

Hope you are feeling better!

WalkingbyFaith - thank you! It always makes me feel better if my words or actions help someone.

Wow--I've been so busy at work this morning that I haven't had time to check in. Look at all the replies! I'm so grateful. The first time I crashed, when I was in this place before, this forum really helped save my life. This forum and a very smart, very caring naturopath. I hope they can help get me through again!

Purrrsiankitty--Yes, I really do think that the simple act of understanding and hearing someone really helps to get through the dark times.

thislittlebluebird--I do have a good naturopath. She saved my life the last time around. And I KNOW in my heart that people get better because I've been in this place before, and came out the other side. Then I got bitten again--both last spring and this spring. And here I am again...

magoo2--Yes, I have been continually trying new things. I tried Ashwghanda and Gou Teng, at the advice of this forum. My naturopath last month added something (can't remember what it's called) at the end of Sept. which she said was really helping lots of her patients. Not sure what else to try now.

tonyraven--Yep, my kids keep me on this planet. And my pets. If not for the thought of leaving them behind, I think the first go-round with this disease might have done me in. I remember one day walking to my naturopath's office, seeing a school bus pass, and having an overwhelming urge to throw myself in front of it.

Evanston1--Thank you for the shout-out!

PeteZa--Yes, Lyme does steal our joy. It steals my entire PERSONALITY sometimes!

WalkingbyFaith--No, no church or support group of any kind. Partially the result of a dysfunctional childhood, partly the result of Lyme, I think. And I try to make my needs known, but I'm not good at it. It's hard when you've been trained from childhood to believe that your own needs are less important than everyone else's.

Kat1000--"I don't have a significant other. Either the lack of time, the fatigue, or the ptsd from my marriage gets in the way. I am alone most of the time is how it feels." This really resonated with me. I keep feeling like I'll be poor and sick for the rest of my life. My mother keeps telling me, "You'll meet someone." As if it were that easy. Or as if that would be the solution to all of my problems! For one thing, what you said--There is PTSD from an abusive former marriage, there is exhaustion from working one full-time and one part-time job, there is lack of time from same.

10KLymeB--Hell yes, I'm strong! If I weren't, I wouldn't be here still. And I sure as hell wouldn't be able to keep down a full-time and a part-time job, care for kids and pets, and do everything else that I need to do while sick with Lyme. Believing in myself--now THAT's the hardest part!

Just remember, one day up...the next day down. Remember this on your down day. Come here anytime to be reminded. We have each other. In my situation, as well as many here, the support here way surpasses what we physically experience in our every day lives with our "loved" ones and family members.

The news things I suggest is seeing a biological dds and treat parasites

Hey all,

I'm feeling overwhelmed with the responses I got here! I'd almost forgotten how supportive this forum can be. I actually slept through the night until 5 a.m. (my normal waking time) last night. No dark night of the soul last night! Hooray!

I have another issue I thought I'd throw out there. I'm currently treating the Lyme and co. with a naturopath who basically saved my life the last time I crashed. But in state naturopaths cannot prescribe rx's. I currently do not have a conventional doctor at all, nor is there anyone in the local area that I really trust.

When I crashed in 2013 the LLMD I was seeing prescribed Cymbalta. When I was feeling really good, I started to wean myself off of it, and got down to 15 mg. by the time I got bitten again this spring. Obviously, right now isn't a good time to wean myself the rest of the way off, but I'm running out of pills (I've been opening capsules and splitting the little grains by 1/4, so the bottle I had lasted me a LONG time).

The LLMD I WAS seeing is more than 1.5 hours away, and with working two jobs I really don't have the time to begin seeing him again. I think the last time I saw him was over 2 years ago. Any suggestions re how to get another bottle of Cymbalta to get me through this current rough patch? My ultimate plan is to wean off of it completely. For a variety of reasons I don't want to be beholden to this drug for any longer than I need to. But considering how much I'm struggling right now with this new infection, I figure status quo with the Cymbalta is the prudent course at the moment.

I don't see my naturopath again until Nov. 29, at which point I'll ask her advice. But in the meantime, I'm reaching out to the wonderful folks on this forum. Advice?