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Marriage and family life falling apart after being sick for 7 yrs.

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Posted 5/29/2019 10:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, I’ve been sick with Lyme, Bartonella and Babesia for 7 years. I got sick when my kids were 4, 7 and 8. My husband has never been very helpful during my illness. It was so incredibly difficult to take care of my kids and home when in so much pain. I have mthfr mutation and my herxes were awful. Would last 2-3 weeks straight. Even before getting sick, I was the one who took care of the kids and home and my husband mainly worked and was the source of our income.

Over the years, I have become incredibly disappointed in my husband in how little attachment he feels toward the kids and how little interest he has in what the kids are doing. He tends to make weird comments and point out negative things about the kids. This has caused our girls particularly to resent him and find him very annoying and don’t want to be around him at all. He also seems to enjoy pushing our buttons and getting a rise out of us. The only person he’s somewhat close to is my son. This only happened once my son became a teen a my hubby could be more friends with my son than his father.

The last 7 years I’ve just focused on trying to be the best mom I could be while dealing with all the pain and fatigue. My resentment toward my husband just kept growing because of how little he seems to care for me and the kids and how little he seems to care about me getting better. I have been handling my illness completely alone. I’ve gotten to a point where I treat very slowly to prevent herxes so I can manage taking care of the kids and home. I always put myself in the back burner and my kids always first.

about a year ago, my hubby became obsessed with working out and doing triathlons. He uses up so much energy training that he’s completely exhausted when he gets home and goes to sleep like 8-9pm. Our house started really getting neglected and Ivd has to start doing the things that my hubby used to do. He also starting acting as if he’s become manic or more hypomanic. He’s had depressive episodes and is currently on antidepressants. He just started acting super happy and very talkative. Extremely social, talking to everyone he comes across. He started drinking more than usual. Became very sexual and started saying in appropriate things in front of the kids. Started blowing up at us over the oddest things. When he blows up, he mentally abuses me and my girls, saying the most terrible, ugly things. Even got a little physical and I’ve called the police on him twice to get him to settle down. He also started lying all the time and is constantly gone. Half the time, I don’t know what he’s doing. I’m wondering if he might be having an affair. All he cares about is being popular and beating out some guys that he now befriended in the races. His personality never matched these popular types before, but now with how he changed, he suddenly clicks with them.

This is all very unlike him and it’s literally like I’m living with a stranger. He was a sweet guy and I was his first girlfriend at 29 years old. He was a bit of a mamas boy and acted a bit childish, especially around his parents and has a need for a lot of attention. He definitely did some quirky things that I overlooked bc I thought I had a good, very family oriented guy who would be a caring and faithful husband and a loving dad some day. Unfortunately my assumptions weren’t quite right.

I’m worried that him being in this hypomanic like state is going to cause us to divorce. I’m very scared for my future as I’m not able to work with my illness. I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford treatment and all the supplements I need. Probably will never be with anyone again bc who would want to be with someone who is sick? Just never thought I’d ever be in this position. Always thought that if my hubby gets sick, I’ll care for him and he’d do the same for me. His parents seem to have a good supportive relationships as well as his three sisters. I told him that so think he might be bipolar but he’s enjoying being in this state so much, he doesn’t want to do anything about it. I think he’s avoiding us now to prevent snapping at us and us calling the police on him again. This is causing me so much stress and I have no idea how to fix things. I should feel safe, and taken care of by my spouse, and I just don’t. So worried about what my future might end up like. I don’t talk to my family and have no one to lean on. Lost most of my friends bc of this illness.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated...
Posted 5/29/2019 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Inspired,

I'm so sorry this is happening. Is it possible for you to see a therapist?

I also wonder if your husband is taking steroids as that would explain some of his behavior.

Anyway, my ex couldn't handle me being sick and I had to fend for myself even though I worked most of the time I was sick (I was lucky that I didn't have any children). My ex was mean to me, always yelling, etc. The stress got to the point where I asked him to move out and I filed for a divorce. But that was my situation.

When we were still married I avoided talking to him as much as possible (we were like 2 strangers living in the same house). I wrote him letters instead of talking to him which helped.

Again, I think you should seek out a therapist. I saw one and that helped me so much.

Best to you,
Denise
Posted 5/29/2019 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Inspiredby3,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I’m sure others will come along with advice. You mentioned his parents and sisters. Are you close enough to his family to confide in them? Do you think they may be able to help in some way? Do you have a church, or is there a pastor you could talk to? Many ministers do counseling.

I will keep you in my prayers.

I just saw Deejavu’s post. I wondered about steroids, too.

Post Edited (WalkingbyFaith) : 5/29/2019 5:14:14 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/30/2019 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Years ago, my now ex-wife started out supporting, but after less than two years (and no Lyme diagnosis) she became someone I did not know. Because she couldn't handle things that aren't going as planned or perfect, she divorced, and much of the time I would have spent with my kids was gone. She did all she could to punish me for being sick, or in her mind, thinking I was sick.

I believe it is hard for many who are not experiencing Lyme, even loved ones, to relate to your situation. In your case, the resentment is understandable. That I can relate to. But it also sounds like something in his head isn't right. May be steroids, as mentioned by Deejavu, or just simply he couldn't handle the situation. I don't know his age, but could be part mid-life pushed further by situation? Actions sound like it could be a match.

And what I have written is just guessing at what might be going on. Would he consider counseling with you? Or for him? And have you considered it for you? We all need someone to talk with. Unfortunately, if it was cancer, people would relate more. With Lyme, it's hard for someone on the outside to get it.

Abuse is never something that should be tolerated, physical or mental. There are so many unknowns at play not knowing your whole situation. Hoping something turns around and changes, but at this point, YOUR health and your children's is most important.

Not meant as advice but things to think about. This forum is full of friends for you.
Posted 5/30/2019 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
nvc communication save my relationship... even helps when dealing with verbally abusive people . the thing i found out recently is males operate on respect and ladies love and the feed reciprocally off each other . sorry he is being mean but he likely has borrelia and bart also if yall had unprotected sex ever....?
Posted 5/30/2019 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Running Wild made some very good comments. From the details you provided, I also thought it sounded like something isn’t right about him (possibly all along) and may be more than you’re aware of. He may be very immature in many respects. I’ve learned from observing other people that maturity doesn’t necessarily come with age, and some who are young are mature far beyond their years.

Like running wild said, your health and safety and your children’s is the most important. You could check to see if there is a SafeShelter or similar that you could go to if need be.
Posted 5/30/2019 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry you are dealing with this inspired. Having a chonic illness is hard enough but when someone who promised that they would be there for you in sickness and in health is not it must be terrible. I am wondering if your husband could have a cluster B disorder, you could look up symptoms online and see if any sound like him? I give you so much credit for taking care of your kids even though you are not supported and sick yourself. I hope this helps a little.
Posted 5/30/2019 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
people are selfish by nature and i've found in today's culture its hyper selfishness its all about what makes you happy and how can you live your best life. i can't imagine much of a response if we had World War 1 or 2 today you couldn't get 5% of people to sign up given their self-centeredness.

being sick like we are for years isn't a thing you get over at some point. most can't deal with this marathon that never has a finish especially when you're the one that's healthy and the other one is sick.

divorce rates where one of the people has lyme/coinfections is somewhere in the neighborhood of 70'ish% by some accounts because its just too much sacrifice for the "healthy" one

your husband sounds like an a-hole excuse my french. while i would encourage you to seek out counseling if that doesn't pan out you're better off getting rid of him if you can somehow handle it health wise. the toxicity of him being around is far worse than having a father in the home.

just my 2
Posted 5/31/2019 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
Inspired, maybe he needs tested that rage can be a telltale sign
Posted 6/2/2019 11:46 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you do end up divorcing, the relief from that daily stress may well help your healing. I say this as someone who has been living as separated in the same house for 3.5 years. It's hard to see a way forward, but then there are a lot of things where the second step only becomes clear when you take the first step.

Best wishes for peace and healing.
Posted 6/2/2019 12:15 PM (GMT 0)

Dahlias said...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you do end up divorcing, the relief from that daily stress may well help your healing. I say this as someone who has been living as separated in the same house for 3.5 years. It's hard to see a way forward, but then there are a lot of things where the second step only becomes clear when you take the first step.

Best wishes for peace and healing.

You and your husband separated because of your illness but still live together? What kind of dynamic does that create
Posted 6/2/2019 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
No, we've been separated longer than I've been sick. (I'm sure years of stress contributed to my illness.) It's not good and I want it to end, but it's complicated right now for a variety of reasons. I don't expect this to continue much longer though.
Posted 6/3/2019 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
Just to throw this out there, but Lyme can be transmitted sexually. Its possible he has it as well - since it triggers in everyone differently and can cause mental symptoms (depression, bipolar behavior) you just never know. I found out my wife and I share the disease - not sure who gave it to whom but she's been sick for many years longer than I have (I've been only sick for 2). Thats the thing with Lyme, it keeps you guessing!
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