My husband wants a divorce

Hi All... I’ve been sick for 7 years. My husband hasn’t been very supportive or helpful with my illness. I’ve just taken antibiotics and herbs to heal but am not getting better. It’s been hard to focus on healing having to take care of 3 kids with hardly any help. In the past year my husband has become very focused on himself and started exercising all the time and doing triathlons. I believe he started having manic episodes. He’s being treated for depression but I think he needs mood stabilizers.

Anyway, today he said he wants a divorce. One thing I’m worried about is that he’s making this decision while dealing with mania and not being in the best state of mind. He has been so different that it’s like I’m living with a stranger. We’ve been together for 20 years and he’s nothing like the person I have known the first 19 years.

I’m also worried about what will happen to my life. I’m not working because of the pain and fatigue. How will I get treatment if I lose insurance coverage? Be able to pay for me meds and supplements? I feel like my life is over. I’ll never heal from these infections. No one is going to want to date me, a person with a chronic illness. While my husband will be starting out his life all over again being in the best shape of his life. Meanwhile Im 40lbs heavier due to pregnancies and being sick.

I just don’t get why life is so unfair and I constantly have to suffer. Like being sexually abused by my dad for 13 years wasn’t bad enough and losing my brother I was extremely close to.

I really don’t know how I’m going to get through this... I just don’t have the strength...

Thanks for listening...

Inspiredby3,

I am so sorry for everything you have suffered. It’s hard to understand why some suffer so much while others don’t.

Do you have a minister you could talk to? Many ministers do counseling. Is there a church you belong to or one you would like to visit? Having other people around you who can provide emotional, spiritual, and practical support can be very helpful.

I am sorry for all the losses, disappointments, and betrayals in your life. It's so much to endure. I don't know what the next step looks like for you, but I do remember your last posts, and this husband is not a person that should be in your life. He is a toxic person for you to be around. While I hope that he figures out his mental health crisis one day, that is not your problem. YOU are the priority here, and you will find your path, even if all you can see right now is your own two feet. Just do the next right thing. You can do hard things. You can.

And be gentle with yourself if you need to fall apart now and then in the process!

Do you think that he might take you to court? If so, then start documenting everything you can that has to do with his mental state. Save his text messages, emails, etc. Write down anything cruel or manic he does or says in a password-protected format. You can write down past events and troubling behaviors with approximate dates as well. Being able to demonstrate his degree of metal illness will be key, if he takes you to court. If there are good divorce attorneys you know of, then call then before he has a chance to. Reach out to your mutual friends and let them know what has been happening, so you can have as much support as possible, especially from friends who have been understanding about your illness. Start working on getting disability benefits so that you can support yourself; it's hard to get disability, but it might be the best way to guarantee an income and give you a shot at custody of your kids, if you think there's a chance he'd take them. (It's definitely easier to get disability for chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia than it is for Lyme, but most of us can be legitimately diagnosed with all of the above). I agree with WalkingByFaith to reach out to any faith community you have or even find a new one that's welcoming, regardless of your beliefs. Talk to a rape crisis center or intimate partner violence organization; they provide free, confidential help, including case management, hotline, counseling, legal assistance, and even a safe place to go. Plus it's almost a certainty that a situation like this will bring up past trauma for you, and you deserve to have support around that so that this doesn't make your Lyme symptoms worse. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Take any help that's offered. Remember to breathe.

There is more life waiting for you after all of these challenges.

(Let me know if you want any help finding numbers of assistance orgs. I have worked at many of the places I mentioned, and I'd be happy to chat more about those things by email, if you would like.)

JayPoppa said...


In all honesty I understand why our loved ones would leave us. Honestly and this is just my opinion but I believe were holding our significant others back. There's only so much they can take and they can feel trapped. My ex felt bad for leaving but she just couldn't handle it anymore and is much happier now. And one day we will be too.

I don’t understand it - I can guarantee I wouldn’t leave my husband if he was sick and I’ve had this discussion with him when I’ve been in some really low points.

He reassures me that he’s in this fight with me and even at my worst I’m the one he wants in his bed every night.

I do get concerned about him wanting to leave this life he has with me - but it really is just my insecurities and feeling worthless.

Yes that is true Sara

Thank you so much everyone for all your input!

Girlie- thank you for your kind words! Unfortunately I don’t have anyone who could take me in. My dad died of cancer many years ago and my mom is barely scraping by as a result. Therefore I can’t lean on my parents. I couldn’t leave my husband either if he was sick. Then I think about, what if one of my girls get sick one day, I would want their husband to stick by them and do everything possible to help them get better.

WalkingbyFaith- I haven’t been active in the church but do have a church I could go to. I’ve reached out to some friends yesterday and they have been very supportive.

Saraeli- Thank you so much for all your advice! Your words gave me so much strength! I just feel lost and confused right now. Spent almost the entire night and day crying. I’m sure this situation will affect my health. My immune system will probably get a hit. Whenever I’m stressed that happens unfortunately. Then it takes such a long time to rebuild back up to where it was... I think you’re right, the biggest factor in his decision making is his current state of mind and not wanting to get treatment. The person I know before his manic phase kicked in would never want to divorce. Mania causes extreme happiness. Of course he feels happy now and thinks back how much less happy he was before and makes an association to our marriage. It’s not easy to raise 3 kids. It’s actually quite stressful. It just adds to the sadness and confusion knowing that my husband is making this extreme decision not being mentally healthy.

JayPoppa - I’m sorry you had gone through the same experience. It’s just such a difficult situation to go through. I worry too that I won’t be able to be with anyone else. I understand your point of view and I know that a life with chronically ill person is not easy. But a truly caring person just would not be able to walk away.

Well, my husband sent me a text the next morning saying that even if we’re divorced he will always care about us and do what’s best for us. He said that he wants me to get better and wants me to find a good Dr. he doesn’t care how much it will cost, that he will pay for it. I don’t get why now when he never really cared before?? Plus he’s being so much nicer now. Left us all breakfast from Panera’s this morning. Singed my daughter up for horseback riding all of a sudden. Probably to prove what a great dad he is. I’m just so lost and confused...

The Dude Abides- really great suggestions!! Thank you so much! I agree with you on everything you said! You’re right, one step at a time is all I can do. Really hard to not think about the worst case scenario for my future... I’m just trying to keep thinking that everything happens for a reason and sometimes it’s to enter a better future, even if it doesn’t look this way to me right now.

Thank you thank you all of you for helping to put my mind at ease and put things into better perspective!! You’re the best!! ❤️❤️

WiscoWoman - Thank you so much for your response! He definitely is going through something... I really think he’s manic and can’t really help his thoughts and feelings. I just don’t know how to make him see how he’s acting and to get treatment. We did talk things out and decided to stay together. Despite that, he needs to address what is going on with him. He’s on the go non stop. Just can’t sit still. His thoughts are constantly racing. I think he constantly exercises to get rid of some of that crazy energy he feels. But I’m afraid he’s going to eventually crash. Living like this is going to catch up with him sooner or later. I texted one of his sisters letting her know how he’s been acting. Hoping that maybe if his family step in and say something to him, he might be more willing to listen. Her response was that she was sorry for everything I’ve been going through and that’s it. Ugh... his mom, he and another sister all had mental breakdowns. I’m trying to get him to get help before something really bad happens... you would think his family would want to help. I called his psychiatrist but haven’t heard back yet. I’ll try calling again this week. Just want to talk to her before his next appointment. It’s great that he can accomplish so much all of a sudden and get 1st in his age group doing triathlons, but I just want my husband back. It’s so hard to talk to him when he’s so wound up. Everything is all about him...

Wisco woman... I know, I would think they would want to be here for us too. They are all about being successful and to them it probably appears that he’s doing better than ever. Meanwhile they don’t see how it’s affecting our family and his children. He doesn’t show any warmth or love to anyone. He’s like a drill Sargent. It’s really depressing to be around such a cold person. Why I chose him to be my husband was bc he was so kind and empathetic, so it’s so weird to see him be completely opposite. It’s crazy that someone can become so different. I really hope that at some point he realizes how him being in a hypomanic state affects our relationship and family. The kids just want their dad back.