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Posted 1/14/2020 6:29 AM (GMT 0)
Occasionally I'll poke online and check on old friends and people I was around before falling ill. It's tough to see how much everyone has just naturally moved through life. Some are raising children, some have built successful companies, some VERY successful companies (close friend now is worth tens of millions and when I knew him lived in a crummy one bedroom apt). Some have just continued on a path of purpose and contentment. In the time I've been out of the game everyone who was struggling, lost or trying to build something has long ago found their way and are successful now. Obviously I'm happy for them but it leaves me reeling. When I knew them we were young adults, full of vigor and wanting to take over the world. Now I'm 35 and they did, while I'm happy about being able to take 2 college classes and stay with my parents.
I'm not angry about the illness or anything else, I don't say "why me" or resent anything. It's just a gut punch when I see the perspective of it all. Especially since I know I had way more potential than I ever lived.

Hard
Posted 1/14/2020 7:47 AM (GMT 0)
That is hard. I recently dealt with a lot of that as well. I've seen some improvement the last year so my life went from living just to make it through the day to actually thinking about dreams and the future again. I started noticing everyone else are already deep into working on those things, and here i am just trying to have enough energy to go on a date. I don't think i've been sick as long as you since it only really hit me around 27. Still at 34 it's a bitter pill to swallow.

i try to think about the way i've changed for the better, how i appreciate things so much more. How i value time and energy so much more and how being sick has actually kept me close to my moral code from when i was younger.

It doesn't take that gut punch away, but it softens the blow a little
Posted 1/14/2020 8:56 AM (GMT 0)
We're about the same. I got sick just before 27 and am 35 now. Are you working full time? Mind if I ask what you do? Are you still close with friends/a social group?
Posted 1/14/2020 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. But that doesn't take away from the fact that your timeline is yours alone. You will achieve great things...one of them being conquering this illness. Someone once said that your purpose is hidden among your wounds. It's true. Before I got sick, I published my first book at 51. Age is just a number. You also never know if your so-called successful friends are truly happy, but by the end of this illness you will know for sure what makes you happy and go after it. Keep the faith smile
Posted 1/14/2020 1:56 PM (GMT 0)

Jerseyjill said...
But that doesn't take away from the fact that your timeline is yours alone.....You also never know if your so-called successful friends are truly happy

Thanks for the encouraging words, I need to remember that sometimes. I am a really communal person and never liked the idea of "falling behind". I compare myself to others too much. Being in this state though makes me think a lot about regrets and "if only I'd have done X then I wouldn't be here right now" or "man, I can't believe I did Y, why did I do that?"
It's like I live in those thoughts now. Very retrospective
Posted 1/14/2020 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
I used to get into this same state of mind. I was 30 when I got sick, I'm 37 now. My brother was trying to cheer me up a few months ago and said, "They'll have cures for all these things in the next 5-10y". And it hit me. If thats true and I'm better at 42, or 47, I've still lost literally the best years of my life to this sickness.

But you cant think like that. Andy Cutler the mercury guru was saying in a video I watched how he started to chelate at 41. By 42 he felt better than he did at 25, because for the first time in his life he was truly healthy. I'm also reminded of my best friend's mother, who at 55 met the love of her life and has been truly happy for the past 10y. Health, happiness, and contentment can come at any age. Just focus on getting better for now and the rest will fall into line. This is all part of your journey.
Posted 1/14/2020 6:57 PM (GMT 0)

dcd2103 said...
Andy Cutler the mercury guru was saying in a video I watched how he started to chelate at 41. By 42 he felt better than he did at 25, because for the first time in his life he was truly healthy.

I've thought about this. I always felt like there was something off about me. Bad hangovers when I'd drink, sick too often, too many antibiotics etc. I have had hope that there may be more positive health on the other side than I started with.

The toughest part for me is that I don't have anything established in my life. My job and friends are long behind me and I'm trying to slowly go back to school but it will be years before I finish off my degree. I'm not exactly moving through life now with contemporaries my age. That's real tough

I appreciate you guys talking with me through this. It's a tough one and only others in it can understand
Posted 1/14/2020 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
I can relate so good to what you have described, I know these thoughts and feelings very well. Still try to keep going and not to lose hope to get better. I was much better and close to normal when I got a tick bite ( probably my second one)...
But I actually wanted to write about what helps me. When I start having these thoughts I say to myself, hey look you make it to your age (37), and this is something to be very greatful for. There are a lot of people who leave this world at a much younger age through illnesses or incidents. I try to appreciate every day and be greatful for sun, for being able to brease, see colors, to be able to go to the seaside. This helps me to cope with the situation.

Post Edited (Penguin77) : 1/14/2020 1:15:04 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/14/2020 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Good words, penguin. You know what I get stuck with? I grew up really poor with unhappy parents and I swore that would never be me. So when I left high school I said I was going to strive for more in life than a degree and a 9-5. So I pursued it by moving to California, became a personal trainer and started a fitness company. There was a lot to love about it but deep down I wish I had completed my microbiology degree. This illness has brought me into a place where I'm going back to that now. I see that as a good thing but the hard part is that I'm 35 now and don't have a healthy, thriving community around me nor am I financially secure as most my age have been for a while. I'm not living a full life and that kills me
Posted 1/14/2020 10:15 PM (GMT 0)
I see what you're saying Aerose. You feel left out and isolated. But you can make new friends, happens all the time. You can develop new hobbies. Maybe you'll meet someone and get married. The career thing should not bother you. Just because you didnt do it on the typical time frame is not something to beat yourself up about, things out of your control happened. You're still young, people reinvent themselves much older than you all the time. If youre enjoying microbiology, then throw yourself into it, learn as much as you can, and be excited you have a whole new career ahead of you. The most interesting people in the world are those w/ unique stories and struggles. The guy who followed the system and got the BA at 22 the MD at 26 and worked in a stuffy office his whole life isnt that interesting. The dude who beat chronic illness, picked himself up by his bootstraps, and then turned around and focused his attention on helping others beat that illness, thats pretty cool. Embrace it man, be confident in what you're doing and find your own inner happiness without looking outwards and comparing yourself to others. On the other side of this adversity is a whole new life w/ health you've never had and a new career.
Posted 1/14/2020 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
This is super common for anybody in the world. There is always someone or something "better". Obviously, within the chronic illness community, it is amplified even more. There are times that I get in my own head about this. It's hard not to even when I'm conscious about the fact I'm thinking irrationally. It's tough to say exactly what we can do to stop this negative emotion.

I know it's cliche. but it doesn't make this old saying any less true.....comparison is the thief of joy.

Recently I have found myself getting more into philosophy. In particular, I think Stoicism has some gems. One of my favorite tenets of Stoicism is "Focus on what you can control, accept what you can't".
What do we control? Thoughts, Actions, Judgments......What don't we control? Everything else

Post Edited (Lymie24) : 1/14/2020 4:33:30 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/14/2020 11:50 PM (GMT 0)

dcd2103 said...
I see what you're saying Aerose. You feel left out and isolated. But you can make new friends, happens all the time. You can develop new hobbies. Maybe you'll meet someone and get married. The career thing should not bother you. Just because you didnt do it on the typical time frame is not something to beat yourself up about, things out of your control happened. You're still young, people reinvent themselves much older than you all the time. If youre enjoying microbiology, then throw yourself into it, learn as much as you can, and be excited you have a whole new career ahead of you. The most interesting people in the world are those w/ unique stories and struggles. The guy who followed the system and got the BA at 22 the MD at 26 and worked in a stuffy office his whole life isnt that interesting. The dude who beat chronic illness, picked himself up by his bootstraps, and then turned around and focused his attention on helping others beat that illness, thats pretty cool. Embrace it man, be confident in what you're doing and find your own inner happiness without looking outwards and comparing yourself to others. On the other side of this adversity is a whole new life w/ health you've never had and a new career.

You pretty much said exactly the things my therapist does. it's funny cuz it's so accurate and sentimental to read and sounds so inspiring but living it is like a nightmare, lol. I always thrived on large community and I think I saw myself growing alongside ppl my age. I did in California but now I've been stripped from that and while they moved on, I'm back where I grew up with my friends who have long moved on before I returned. That sucks to have somehow lost both of my communities that I built while young.

Micro/molecular biology is a totally more than just something I like. I'm honestly built for it. First time around I was first in my class and now, second time around with higher level classes, I'm again first in my class. I'm sitting here kicking myself going "why the hell didn't you finish this the first time? This was so obvious. Why didn't you kick this back up sooner?".

It's those growth opportunities, financial stability and life experiences that I craved so much which have now been lost. Not saying there aren't good experiences ahead but those growth experiences when you're young are really important, you know?

I apologize for sounding so mopey, I really do appreciate your guys' kind words.
Sometimes I feel I may be in a period of mourning now that I'm coming to realize all this
Posted 1/14/2020 11:56 PM (GMT 0)

Lymie24 said...
This is super common for anybody in the world. There is always someone or something "better". Obviously, within the chronic illness community, it is amplified even more. There are times that I get in my own head about this. It's hard not to even when I'm conscious about the fact I'm thinking irrationally. It's tough to say exactly what we can do to stop this negative emotion.
I know it's cliche. but it doesn't make this old saying any less true.....comparison is the thief of joy.
Recently I have found myself getting more into philosophy. In particular, I think Stoicism has some gems. One of my favorite tenets of Stoicism is "Focus on what you can control, accept what you can't".
What do we control? Thoughts, Actions, Judgments......What don't we control? Everything else

I don't necessarily compare myself to other people as much as wanting to flow through life with them because I love large, healthy community. I always had that in my life. Having been pulled out of the flow of life now, for the first time in life I feel like I'm lost. Flailing a little. Since I lost my capabilities it's as if I don't know who I am. Very foreign and very unsettling
Posted 1/15/2020 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
Your feelings are valid and natural to have. The frustration of not being able to do what was once achievable can wear one down - even simple things like running or staying up late.

The good news for you, and this is coming from an old guy, is 35 is young. I mean young. Doesn't seem like it is until you're 36,, or 37,....., or 60. The younger you are, the better chance there is an answer will finally be found for all this B.S. you are going through. I've said it many times, but I still believe stem cells will change so much for so many sick people. Maybe in next 5 years. Who knows?

I do know my daughter, who ran college track and cross country, couldn't run for 5 weeks because of plantar fasciitis. As her coach, I thought there was no hope she would run again that season and be in a boot for weeks more. A podiatrist we went to offered a stem cell shot and said if she did it she would be able to run again in 6 days. Many questions later, I paid to have it done for her. A week later she was able to run and was back to full speed in two weeks. It was unbelievable.

While helping with the fascia in the foot is different than treating a disease or autoimmune problem, it shows the potential stem cell therapy has. And there is heavy focus on it happening and little by little we are hearing success stories about it involving Lyme and other diseases.

As I said, you are young. As an old guy, I know 35 is young. There is time for you to make it through with new procedures, medicines, and more knowledge taking place. It's dealing with now that is the hardest part. Hang in there. You have youth on your side smile. This comes from someone who does not but understands time will be the answer if enough times is left, as in your case.
Posted 1/15/2020 1:00 AM (GMT 0)

Aerose91 said...

Lymie24 said...
This is super common for anybody in the world. There is always someone or something "better". Obviously, within the chronic illness community, it is amplified even more. There are times that I get in my own head about this. It's hard not to even when I'm conscious about the fact I'm thinking irrationally. It's tough to say exactly what we can do to stop this negative emotion.
I know it's cliche. but it doesn't make this old saying any less true.....comparison is the thief of joy.
Recently I have found myself getting more into philosophy. In particular, I think Stoicism has some gems. One of my favorite tenets of Stoicism is "Focus on what you can control, accept what you can't".
What do we control? Thoughts, Actions, Judgments......What don't we control? Everything else


I don't necessarily compare myself to other people as much as wanting to flow through life with them because I love large, healthy community. I always had that in my life. Having been pulled out of the flow of life now, for the first time in life I feel like I'm lost. Flailing a little. Since I lost my capabilities it's as if I don't know who I am. Very foreign and very unsettling

That’s a valid point. This illness is very isolating.
Posted 1/15/2020 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
Yup 35 is young... you’ve got a lot of time still to fulfill your dreams.
Posted 1/15/2020 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys. It feels tough. How am I going to meet large communities of like minded people near my age? I'm at the point in life where most my age are settled down and have long built lives. Maybe they're not all perfect lives but they certainly established foundations and flowed through life. Im around ppl 10, 15 years younger than me so it's hard to connect on that deeper level. It's incredibly hard to see my friends having flowed through life and it's as i never stepped out of high school. Devastating
Posted 1/15/2020 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
Aerose, do most people at 35 have communities of like minded people? I feel like most people at that age are pairing off, getting married, starting families and retreating from social life. I'm 37 and this is happening with all of my friends. Its an age where no matter where you are or what decisions you've made, you're confronted with loneliness for the first time.

Having heard you talk I think what's got you upset is being back in school with 20 somethings. I have to admit, I too would find that a bit eerie. Picturing your friends having done this and been in those seats 15y ago and moved on, its like youre haunted by the ghosts of yesteryear every day. I get it. I think that sensation will improve once youre done with school, and you will feel better once you've started your new career.
Posted 1/15/2020 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
Aerose...just wanted to tell you that I went back to skin care school to become an esthetician when I was 44. Everyone in my class was 20 years younger than me, but I learned not to care because I really wanted to help people with their skin. It sounds like biology does the same for you. Try to embrace your situation...it is yours for a reason smile
Posted 1/15/2020 2:52 PM (GMT 0)

dcd2103 said...
Aerose, do most people at 35 have communities of like minded people? I feel like most people at that age are pairing off, getting married, starting families and retreating from social life. I'm 37 and this is happening with all of my friends. Its an age where no matter where you are or what decisions you've made, you're confronted with loneliness for the first time.
Having heard you talk I think what's got you upset is being back in school with 20 somethings. I have to admit, I too would find that a bit eerie. Picturing your friends having done this and been in those seats 15y ago and moved on, its like youre haunted by the ghosts of yesteryear every day. I get it. I think that sensation will improve once youre done with school, and you will feel better once you've started your new career.

Being in school with kids younger than me doesn't bother me as much as knowing my friends/group did this 15 years ago and are 15 years progressed with life, finances, etc. It's not like I wasn't doing anything- I have multiple credentials and certs as a personal trainer and was making a great living at the top of the industry out in southern california...... it doesn't mean anything to me, though.
What's more important to me is that I didn't grow alongside my friends. I agree that most 30-somethings are settling down with families but that's because it's the natural progression of things. Their families and kids are their community. I certainly thought I'd be in that mix, too.
Posted 1/17/2020 2:22 AM (GMT 0)

Aerose91 said...
We're about the same. I got sick just before 27 and am 35 now. Are you working full time? Mind if I ask what you do? Are you still close with friends/a social group?

Sorry for the long delay, i was traveling. I'm a programmer, i was already doing it when i got sick, and i took about a 6 month break just after i got sick, but only got worse and couldn't really pay for doctors anymore so started working again, besides that i took short term disability for a few weeks almost 2 years ago. Luckily what i do doesn't take a lot of physical effort, but some days it's really hard to muster the mental effort.

You sound so much like the way i think it's scary, i read through your other posts in this thread. I used to love hanging out in big groups of friends, man i miss those days. Unfortunately i've slowly lost friends over the last 10 or so years, not so much because of illness, more because life happens and people move/or move on. But the problem is my illness has stopped me from reaching out to new people, or pushing to keep a friendship when i could have easily saved it.

When i got a little bit better near the end of last year i realized there was no one around me, i was very much alone. I've got some friends at work, but not very close.
Posted 1/17/2020 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
I sympathize with you. One thing I've been making an effort to do lately is reconnect with old friends, even if just a text conversation. When I do try to see people, I've been more open with them lately. Not about my condition but about why I was away for so long and how I wish I hadn't. I tell them how much I care about them despite it not seeming like it for the past while. I let them know that I want them to understand that even though I'm not in their daily lives I want to be, and I miss them, and I'm doing everything I can to be able to return to it again.

People understand this and they connect to it on a human level. I actually get some relief from it because it's deeply honest and there's a weight off my shoulders putting how i feel out to the world
Posted 1/17/2020 12:36 PM (GMT 0)
That's great, I think being able to be that honest an vulnerable is something valuable you have gained.

I will endeavor to do better as well. My best friend still reaches out to me, he lives in a different country though. I feel like I let him down 2 years back when he asked me to be his best man. I originally accepted, but then later when my health spiraled I backed out. Now I feel shame whenever I see him and his wife...

Anyway, I think it's fine to mourn what you've lost, I still do it from time to time. But we should also look at what we still have and what we have gained from this awful experience
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