Afraid I don't Have Much Time

So yeah, like the title says. I am 123 pounds. Multiple infections from borrelia, Babesia, Bartonella, etc. not to mention newly found Clostridia and Salmonella. Crazy thing is, I have not taken 1 single antibiotic in this entire time since getting diagnosed. I feel like I need it, but I react to everything. I feel so stuck. Vertigo that just doesn't quit. Anxiety through the roof, and even though it's settled down, it hits hard when it comes up and usually lasts as 1 panic-like attack (not full blown) and will stay for about 5-7 days. My doctor is aware of a lot of this but still insist on treating MCAS, but nothing works. I don't feel like we have time either, because my health keep deteriorating.

Oh, and my best friend left me today because he felt he just couldn't help anymore, so I have absolute zero help. I am afraid I am going to die. You see, this is where I can't quite understand where people are at on this forum. I am talking to the ones who can't walk and can only use wheelchairs, can hardly talk, and have 40+ symptoms all of the time, nonstop. Not the ones who have the ability to think well. My mind feels like this is a literal piece of something in my brain that won't allow it to work the right way. I feel extremely damaged. I am hurt right now because even may close family chooses to do absolutely nothing. It's not like I can eat canned food from online retailers, that will worsen my MCAS. Old food generally means histamine. This whole thing I am dealing with is not just tough but I am quite literally fighting for my life and I don't have resources to feel safe or do anything about it. I cannot walk or drive, I cannot call anyone for help, I have no friends or family. I literally am at zero. Well, negative actually, many, many thousands negative. Then things I owe. Being evicted soon. Losing my car. Have no credit anymore. No money. No way of being able to have some sense of "okay". Doesn't;t matter what brain retraining can do for me, it just masks a false reality in this setting. Those things work great for people who have at least something. I do not have something, hell, even my doctor (who seems great) doesn't really know what to do.

Part of me wants to say screw it and just take some antibiotics. What do I have to lose? I'm close to death as it is. My vision isn't getting any better and I feel like my positive side is full of crap. This is the real me. This is the reality and my true suffering. You all are literally my last hope. I just hope that what I am suffering from is truly this and not something else worse on top of it. Truth is, in my mind, most would have ended it by now with how I feel. I am freaking strong though. Yes, you can tell me how story I am and how well I am doing, but after hearing it so many times, it's just a bunch of words. I need actual help.The worst part is that I know that I am very intelligent and even I can't get myself out of this, when I got myself out of so much before. I can;t go to a homeless shelter due to the mold, and just the setting. I can't be in a hospital due to the same thing, plus the crazy amount of infection there. I mean, people literally pick up massive amounts of clostridium there, and I already have more than enough in my body.

I really want to reiterate, this is where I don't entirely know if we have the same diagnosis. I feel like my head feels like a massive balloon and my eyes are always dizzy and this MdDS-like dizziness is not natural. Between the mix of how I always feel on water and always feel like I am moving, it doesn't seem right at all. If you know how this feels, you know it feels like an immediate emergency, and I would put it in top 3 worst symptoms anyone could ever have, period, and I have had everything you can imagine. That is just my opinion. I truly wish I could describe this all better. It sucks because sometimes I feel like people only can understand as far as their symptoms can go, and think the worst is as far as they understand, but I can assure you, what I feel is like I am actually going to be on the edge of fainting and dying 24/7, never stopping, feeling like an actual ER emergency. I just really want to be clear that I know deep inside I am not doing well. I fear for what's coming.

With that said, what the actual hell do I do. No games here. Please, for the love of God, someone help me.

Forest, hope you are improving with hope and your health. I am new here, thought be great place for support and information. I will say a special prayer for you, truly mean it.

Hi Forest,
First of all, I am terribly sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It's heartbreaking to read. I've had those same sinking feelings of not seeing a way out. But, with a ton of patience, which is super hard to come by at that stage of illness, and carefully listening to my body, I did find my way out.

I am not assuming that my way out will be your way out - but a few things I'd like to mention.

Do be sure that you are detoxing just as much as possible.

If you can afford to start antibiotics, start slowly, and with the more gentle ones - you don't want to put any more stress than necessary on your body at first. I found herbs to be a better way for me, and the same approach would apply, should you wish to start there.

Start some form of treatment - stay VERY low in doses, and expect to go extremely slowly. Your body is in a bad spot right now, and you can't afford super aggressive treatments of any kind, most likely. Obviously, everyone is different, and you may be able to ramp up the aggressiveness in your treatments sooner than you think.

I know it's hard - but don't give up. Find a way to survive these circumstances. I realize just how scared I'd be in your situation (I've been close to the same situation, but then to my surprise, I got remarried and things changed for me).

Tiny little steps to improve your situation (in your body mostly) are hard to keep hope alive - but I'm living proof that many of us have hope of recovery.