HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Reflecting on chronic illness, aging and friendships, family

Support Forums
>
Lyme Disease
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 3/2/2024 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
Not really something to see a post about here. I got the title pretty much sums up what I’ve been thinking about the last month as my senior years are not that far away. (Geez, I even hate the sound of that lol.)

For those of you getting older, who have been riddled with health complications, your whole life I’m sure you can relate.

The ironic thing being that more healthy people don’t actually appreciate their health, until things change. And it’s amazing how many people could improve their health if they just made some lifestyle adjustments which for some people means addictions, so that’s easier said than done I guess.

It also amazes me how many coupled and married people do not value externals friendships when they are in their “union”. Then, or if when the relationship splits, they ate suddenly very lonely and seek out to rekindle past friendships that they left behind.

I am watching , observing all of this happening around me as I’m getting older. It’s good to have a network of people that you are comfortable with. You don’t have to spend a whole Lotta time with them throughout life but just keep in contact with them. Even as an introvert, who very much values my alone time I fully understand this. A lot of people, both extrovert, and an introvert, and for some reason hate texting. Texting is a great way to keep in contact with people without using a lot of your time versus visiting someone.

I was at the customer service desk the other day at a large store, during winter, noticing there’s an older woman in one of those handicap shopping carts that was having trouble arranging her ride back home wherever that was. She did not have any type of cell phone. I reminded her that they have flip phones still that are very simple to use,cheap, and are not like confusing smart phones. I still don’t think she knew what the difference was. So the customer service person and myself were trying to help her out connect with her ride service. This was an example of an older lady that needs to be a little more connected with other people, but apparently isn’t. Maybe she once was, maybe she never was , hard to say.

For example, above was a reminder to myself as I don’t want to be in that position when I’m older. One of my single older past friends has turned into a grumpy old grinch. He’s going to be at that age where he needs people. What he does not understand is he is scaring everyone away. And he probably doesn’t care right now, but he will pay the price for it. He has health issues, which he refuses to talk about which is ridiculous. Then again, some people wish to no longer live. I knew a couple of those people in the past also obviously that’s not a thing we want to talk about here.

So if I sound like I’m rambling, I kind of am, but the message here to some younger people reading in the depths of your illness- you may fully recover or you not fully recover…you don’t really know but try to keep some sort of friendly contact with people around you as you get older, throughout life. Because you will probably need them someday. Remember this.
Posted 3/2/2024 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Astro,
As a fellow introvert, I agree with you. Also, as I stare down 61 this year, I'm already in the position you're talking about. I need help from others, both because of life, and limitations I was left with after 40 years of Lyme and co.

I am extremely blessed to have daughter, who is married to an equally wonderful partner, that have not only proclaimed, but have proven to "be there" whenever, wherever they can be.

After being hospitalized for BP being in the stroke zone for 3 weeks, no matter what meds they threw at me, I came home and just needed more help than my (older) hubby could provide - he suddenly had to take over every aspect of our lives, and it was overwhelming for him. We .ade arrangements to get me down to their house (3 hrs away), and I was supposed to stay for a week. That winter we all got an excess of snow, so 1 week turned into 2. They never flinched, and insisted on staying in very close contact for the last 3 years now. Plans are already in place, according to them, that when we can no longer do all the things needed,they will make more trips up (with help in tow if needed), or they will simply move us to where they are, so they can pop over daily or whatever is needed. Hubby and I are extremely grateful, even though we wish to stay where we are as long as we can figure out how. Lol.

That's a massive comfort.

We just spent the last 14 months helping our neighbor lady (79 yrs old) who lost her hubby suddenly last year. She has NO friends. We were only friendly neighbors at that time, but we just couldn't sit by and watch her flail in her desperation of trying to continue on in her old home that needs a lot of work. So, we helped her organize so she could sell what she.could and then sell her home and move to a retirement community. It was a real eye opener.

Even as an introvert, who really does love being home, I can very clearly see that whether we have a partner or not, being in regular contact with several people is really necessary.

But, with that being said, it takes someone that's understanding of our illness and how it taxes us,or someone who is just fiercely determined not to loose touch with you (I have 1 cousin like this! 😁) to stay in touch when we are bed bound or just shy of it. Just be sure to persevere. Find that (or those) people in your life. It will be worth it.

Great post, Astroman!
Posted 3/2/2024 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
I have loads of friends. I send around 80 cards out around the holidays. I spend so much of my free time being there for people, doing favors, checking in, processing hard feelings, and keeping in touch. I often don't have the energy for this, but I do it anyway because I believe that community is very important. Unfortunately this almost never translates into anyone being there for me or my family. I have a couple of reciprocal friendships for which I'm very grateful, but people all have their own troubles and priorities, and culturally people seem to prioritize almost every other aspect of life over friendships.

I wonder if as I get older, and my friend group gets older and develops more challenges, people might understand better that we're all interdependent and interconnected, and how important it is to be there for each other in the ways we can. For now, my friends seem to want activity partners and people to text with all day - which is great! But it doesn't do me much good when I need practical help. My most helpful friends are the other chronically ill ones!
Posted 3/2/2024 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
Agree with Traveler - great post

I often think about the retirement years.
Also if my husband passes away before me - for a few reasons.
Financially - our house isn’t paid off - so I’d have to sell or get a room mate to help with the mortgage.
Plus he does so much for me he is handy - ie painter, roofer lawn cutter etc.

Last year we made a decision to live now! We went to three concerts (Cold Play, Brian Adams and Matchbox 20)
We are now planning our trip to Hawaii - to attend our son’s wedding.
We want to do things while we are still younger because you don’t know what the future brings.

I do make an effort to see my close friends - I still live in the town I was born in.
Posted 3/2/2024 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
I found that to be very true also, Saraeli. The few people I could keep up with at any given time wanted so.one that could go out and do things on a regular basis, not once in a blue moon. I'm one of those weirdos that actually like helping others, so I didn't mind much, once I wrapped my head around how few would help me.

I believe that ends up being the hope of many people. That's why retirement communities exist and grow like they do. At that point in life, those people wanted more community, so they made a move to where it was designed to be like that. But, that just IMHO.
Posted 3/2/2024 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Girlie, you lucky thing to still live in the same town! My wanderings started at an early age, and I'm no longer in contact with anyone I went to school with, much less those I grew up with. I was sick when I left, I was still sick many years later when I tried to reconnect, and nothing ever came of it. I mean, it was nice to reconnect even if it was for only a few weeks, but in the long run, this relationships had run thier course in my case.

Since I was here when you joined, I know how you've struggled, and I am SOOO happy to hear how well you're doing now, and living life now! We stay at home, but we are living our best life as well! We absolutely LOVED traveling for hubby's work, but since he's been disabled from pulmonary embolisms and blood clots from hip to ankle in other legs, we obviously can't do much traveling now, and when we do we must make frequent stops to walk around. So it takes a lot longer to get from point A to point B. Lol.

I hope you and your hubby get to travel and enjoy all the sights you can! It's a big beautiful world out there! ❤️
Posted 3/3/2024 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
What a coincidence. After posting this yesterday morning one of my cousins texted me and said hey what’s up, It’s an unusually warm day want to come over hang out in the screen porch?

So I did for about five hours that’s more I’ve talked to anyone this whole winter. Their side of the family has also battled some mysterious, rare, chronic illnesses, so we have that in common.

These new senior communities are really gaining popularity. Some of the elders in my expansive family have gone that direction. But so far most of them are for the upper class, more wealthy citizens. Maybe that will change when they start to get these in some smaller towns, or semi rural areas.
Posted 3/3/2024 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
my social circles dramatically declined when i got ill

-few people understood and i think its natural enough for people to distance themselves from things they dont understand
-many people were friends because we did things together - like sports etc - that i could no longer do
-others just had their plates full with their own stuff - work, families etc
my partner and i just became very close - both ill with the same isolating mystery disease and just worked on getting through it together - which was all natural enough

what i think i detect also though - in the wider society - is that at the same time, people around my own age ( 50's ) have in general become a little more insular - less outgoing - less sociable - perhaps more socially fragile

it shows up in small ways
like the transition away from picking up the phone and having a real time conversation as was common 10 years ago - to now that conversation or check-in is much more likely to be a series of text message exchanges where people can keep things very much on their own terms - a few words as and when the feel like it - or maybe just an emoji!

people are also spending more time working from home and less likely to meet in person - either for work or socially

one good friend of mine from school days and the last 40 years - who i consider one of the most gregarious people i know - now says he believes he was just being sociable because that's what he thought people expected of him - and now spends his days doing 12hrs days in his home and walking the dog - a bit of gardening and that's pretty much it.

i guess there are many factors playing into this:

-people just having less energy in general as they age - so do the main things and have less time/energy left over

-many being in their maximum earning potential years in their jobs - so working hard long hrs etc

-the pandemic - making people more insular - and i am sure we have not all gone back to our previous habits

-smartphones - making asynchronous short messages easier - and making people feel kind of connected - but without the actual satisfying social contact that humans actually need
-meaningful one on one conversations
-feeling deeply seen and understood by another
-shared experiences
-physical contact

i have been guilty of all of the above - first by working v long hrs and making little time for socialising
then becoming very insular because all travel made me v ill

and only now as i am starting to recover am i realising how much i would like to have larger more varied social circles again - and trying to find ways to generate regular real in person social contact with new people.
its not that easy
i am looking for clubs with people with some shared interests
possibly charitable work to help the community and meet new people
as well as engaging more with people i have known for some time

i think the data shows people are in general lonelier than ever - with something like 50% of under 25's saying they do not have anyone who understand them who they can really open up to.
for a social animal like humans - that is a rather scary statistic.
Posted 3/3/2024 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
Being housebound for so long due to my severe fatigue and sensitivities has caused pretty much everyone to drop me like a hot potatoe except for 1 friend! I am eternally grateful that she has given me space when I needed, not judged/dismissed my illness and been there for me throughout (a hole lotta rants!). This 1 friend has been the equivalent of 10. She is rare. I do feel sad for the extended family who stopped talking to me except for a HBD text. I still don't know why they made this decision but I reckon its because they got tired of hearing the doom and gloom from a chronically ill person, also the fact that I couldn't go out and do the things I used to with them when I was healthy. I get it, people lose patience and just don't want to deal with people like me. SIgh

Being sick for so long has left me with this deep deep desire to connect with people in person. And I never used to be a touchy person (didn't dislike it either) but now I want to put my arm around people I'm close to or really connecting with, or hug them real tight because I value the power of touch. It's such a strong connection. I am just hoping and praying I get better because I want to join social groups (just like you Garzie!), possibly pick up some new hobbies, do charitable work (I REALLY want to give back), heck whatever will enable me to meet people from all walks of life. I miss going into the city (I live in the burbs) and checking out tourist places, going out to eat with my friends, just having a social life and being out and about. I used to go watch foreign films with my close friend, I miss that sooo much. Sigh I can go on and on. Most of all I miss travelling!.

I don't care so much for texting now (am i showing my age? LOL). I'm all about verbal conversations, preferably over the phone or in person. I feel like texting is so impersonal and its a choppy conversation, often times you can't determine the context of something through written words. Whatever happened to just sitting outside on a patio and shooting the crap? I miss the olden days, now everyone wants to converse over text. Ok rant over LOL

Girlie! I am sooo jealous and at the same time happy for you that you got to see Bryan Adams and Coldplay in person! I'd love to see them live. God I am such a concert goer and love live music, I miss those days and crave them so badly. I lost count of the number of concerts I've wanted to attend but couldn;t due to my health issues. Damn this disease!

All I want is for my suffering to be over so I can get my life back. I never thought I'd be a nature lover but just a small walk to a stream nearby listening to birds chirp and observing the trees swaying and watching squirrels has converted me!

It's crazy how sickness changes you so much and makes you appreciate the things you took for granted or didn't care for when you were health. May we all achieve everlasting complete health and get our lives back!

At the moment I feel so incredibly alone. It's killing me. And I almost feel like I don't know how much more of this I can take (sorry for unloading). Just barely scraping by each day.
Posted 3/3/2024 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Wow I just read my post above (I don't know why) and the reality of my situation hit me hard. I sobbed so much.
Posted 3/3/2024 7:15 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry, Sunfun. I understand. I did the same when I put my history in context. In the 40 years I lived with these infections, I lost a lot of life.

I've mourned my loss now, and am ready to move forward again though - now that I've healed my infections and am only living with the damage they caused.

I hope and pray that everyone can move beyond these infections some day. ❤️
Posted 3/3/2024 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
In regards to the texting thing. Most of my friends are introverts and what seems to go along with that is detailed conversations as well as detailed texting.

The more outgoing, people I know are the ones that send a text that seems to have less meaning. It’s just a bunch of fluff in one or two sentences. But at least they took the time to still acknowledge my existence.

I’ve been texting a buddy of mine for about a half an hour about bicycles in between looking at this forum.

One of my other closest friends in the last 15 years, is a guy who has been labeled with the infamous fibromyalgia diagnosis. He is well aware that that’s just a term to cover whatever the real problem is. But with the dedication to his family and limited money, he doesn’t have the time or money to see a functional medicine doctor, so he says.

Post Edited (astroman) : 3/3/2024 12:31:45 PM (GMT-8)

Posted 3/3/2024 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
Big hugs to youTraveler, 40 yrs is a long long time, you are one heck of a warrior!

astroman: i'm sorry if i came across as a text hater, i'm not but i'm just voicing my preference for verbal conversations over text. It's a more personal connection imo. A different vibe altogether. You can see the persons expressions and understand context. But i still text too! actually lately i've been doing more voice notes. I feel I can express myself better that way and i get lazy typing out a whole lotta stuff which I can say more quickly.
Posted 3/3/2024 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
I get what your saying. Different people just text differently. It makes a big difference. I will take this over no conversation at all though and it seems like many people are just too busy today.

I use The voice to text dictation a lot on my phone which is how I made this post. It’s much easier than typing even though I have to correct it a lot. smile

Post Edited (astroman) : 3/3/2024 12:38:10 PM (GMT-8)

Posted 3/4/2024 2:01 AM (GMT 0)

sunfun said...
Being housebound for so long due to my severe fatigue and sensitivities has caused pretty much everyone to drop me like a hot potatoe except for 1 friend! I am eternally grateful that she has given me space when I needed, not judged/dismissed my illness and been there for me throughout (a hole lotta rants!). This 1 friend has been the equivalent of 10. She is rare. I do feel sad for the extended family who stopped talking to me except for a HBD text. I still don't know why they made this decision but I reckon its because they got tired of hearing the doom and gloom from a chronically ill person, also the fact that I couldn't go out and do the things I used to with them when I was healthy. I get it, people lose patience and just don't want to deal with people like me. SIgh

Being sick for so long has left me with this deep deep desire to connect with people in person. And I never used to be a touchy person (didn't dislike it either) but now I want to put my arm around people I'm close to or really connecting with, or hug them real tight because I value the power of touch. It's such a strong connection. I am just hoping and praying I get better because I want to join social groups (just like you Garzie!), possibly pick up some new hobbies, do charitable work (I REALLY want to give back), heck whatever will enable me to meet people from all walks of life. I miss going into the city (I live in the burbs) and checking out tourist places, going out to eat with my friends, just having a social life and being out and about. I used to go watch foreign films with my close friend, I miss that sooo much. Sigh I can go on and on. Most of all I miss travelling!.

I don't care so much for texting now (am i showing my age? LOL). I'm all about verbal conversations, preferably over the phone or in person. I feel like texting is so impersonal and its a choppy conversation, often times you can't determine the context of something through written words. Whatever happened to just sitting outside on a patio and shooting the crap? I miss the olden days, now everyone wants to converse over text. Ok rant over LOL

Girlie! I am sooo jealous and at the same time happy for you that you got to see Bryan Adams and Coldplay in person! I'd love to see them live. God I am such a concert goer and love live music, I miss those days and crave them so badly. I lost count of the number of concerts I've wanted to attend but couldn;t due to my health issues. Damn this disease!

All I want is for my suffering to be over so I can get my life back. I never thought I'd be a nature lover but just a small walk to a stream nearby listening to birds chirp and observing the trees swaying and watching squirrels has converted me!

It's crazy how sickness changes you so much and makes you appreciate the things you took for granted or didn't care for when you were health. May we all achieve everlasting complete health and get our lives back!

At the moment I feel so incredibly alone. It's killing me. And I almost feel like I don't know how much more of this I can take (sorry for unloading). Just barely scraping by each day.

I was fortunate that my friends did not abandon me when I was at my worst.
But I wasn’t bed ridden like some Lyme patients are.
Instead of fatigue… I had horrible pain…that I would hide.
Posted 3/4/2024 2:04 AM (GMT 0)

Traveler said...
Girlie, you lucky thing to still live in the same town! My wanderings started at an early age, and I'm no longer in contact with anyone I went to school with, much less those I grew up with. I was sick when I left, I was still sick many years later when I tried to reconnect, and nothing ever came of it. I mean, it was nice to reconnect even if it was for only a few weeks, but in the long run, this relationships had run thier course in my case.

Since I was here when you joined, I know how you've struggled, and I am SOOO happy to hear how well you're doing now, and living life now! We stay at home, but we are living our best life as well! We absolutely LOVED traveling for hubby's work, but since he's been disabled from pulmonary embolisms and blood clots from hip to ankle in other legs, we obviously can't do much traveling now, and when we do we must make frequent stops to walk around. So it takes a lot longer to get from point A to point B. Lol.

I hope you and your hubby get to travel and enjoy all the sights you can! It's a big beautiful world out there! ❤️

Thanks Traveler 🥰
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply