Suicidal?

Pretty much same here... i should have told everyone to **** off, go live in a cave and spam antiobiotics, at least i wouldnt have lost all these years trying to convice everyone what i pretty much already knew, but realistically it would have been pure hell and it was already... So cant really blame myself too much but at the same time cant help being extremly frustrated at the whole situation, i guess this will get better as health improves slowly.

I still dread taking the treatment everytime because i know it will bring me back to that dark place but realistically there's nothing else to really do, i guess lowering the dose and increase detox stuff is probably the best strat to avoid having too much these dark thoughs or at least mitigate them so it's not too overwhelming.

Hey destiny,

I truly know how difficult it can be and I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way.
Just please don't give up, you've come this far, lets keep going ok?
Many people have healed from this and you can too.
Stay strong brother. You can do this!

Hey Destiny,

That's tough to hear. Chronic illness, not just lyme is really, really a lonely and often harrowing place to be.

I'm actually the same age as you. I'm still battling stuff - I don't know if I ever had lyme, but I have other issues which are proving difficult to pin down. That's really sad you're story is similar to mine. It feels like the last time I had any normality was when I was 21 too.

You have got so much ahead of you! Please don't think that way. It's hard not to when you feel this way, that much is true, but it's worth it.
It's easy to look around at other people and compare your life to there's.

It's a platitude almost - forgive me - but comparison is the thief of joy. I don't have much in the way of friends outside of those that I've met here on healingwell.

There are activities you could do, biking, the gym, that kind of thing, within reason - I don't know your tolerances for physical activity. What about hobbies? Right now I can't do much but I try to study programming and cybersecurity every day. It's difficult but worth it.

You've overcome so much! Don't forget that. As much as the thoughts are horrible to bear. There's that too.

If you would like to chat my email is open. Just drop me a line. I've been there sadly and I know how bad it can feel.

Other people - don't have it all together, contrary to what they project. I don't like focusing on negative outcomes for other people, but a lot of people go through terrible relationships, failing careers, financial difficulties - the works. They just keep a facade of everything's fine. It's unfortunate that's how our society is.

You mentioned this during mental health week. That's serendipitous. If only we could talk about this more without stigma and excessive and often detrimental intervention.

I wish you all the best and I believe in you. As I said, my email is open.

Post Edited (fergleman) : 6/8/2024 10:06:59 AM (GMT-8)

This is a very difficult topic. I’m not really so sure what to say.

My ramblings in not any particular order:

Although many of us don’t want to admit , it I’m sure many of us have been in this situation. And most of us know someone who have actually carried on through with it. I know a handful of people who took their life for different reasons.

I really hope that there is something in your life that gives you joy. Many people forgot what that was but there was something that did that for them at one time. Think about what this is and try to have that in your life even if it’s only possible to have part of it , whatever that is. It’s many different things for many different people. People in your life, hobbies, accomplishments, natural surroundings, etc.

For me, the key was/is learning how to adapt. No it’s not fair because many people in life do not have to adapt to illness, but they ended up adapting to other life changing things and we generally don’t fully understand something until it happens to us.

———————

History: I am getting close to 60 and actually do not know what it’s like to live life without some sort of health condition that affects it. I had lingering tick infection symptoms for about 45 years. I had brain fog, insomnia, and body pain in grade school years. The worst years were in my early to mid 40s. For one year I did almost nothing but the basics to just survive. I could not work a normal job, but I did make a little bit of money here and there working for friends and making money from some of my hobbies when I could.

Since the infections would wax and wane,i had some really bad years and also some good years. From a young age, I realized I wasn’t gonna be able to do everything in life at the level I wanted to do it. That said, there are always people that have it worse than we do. There’s three people in motorized wheelchairs in my small community. They have major limitations. I often wonder what’s going on through their minds. When I do cross paths with them, I do not ignore them like some people do, I engage with them in a little bit of conversation for a few minutes to let them know that they actually matter. One guy cannot even talk that well but I know he can understand what I’m saying.

What kept me going: There were a handful of things that I really wanted to achieve in life, starting in my **** years. I made some (not all) of those accomplishments by middle age, and then stopped doing that stuff right after. I occasionally attend certain events and run into people from my past. Of course people ask me why I just stopped doing some things. I basically say I made my accomplishments and I was too ill to carry on at that level. Truth.

Now that my “accomplishments” are done, I have more time for my hobbies…..and couch time.

Although I don’t seem to have tick infections anymore, it has left me with an array of immune and auto immune conditions which can affect my everyday living. These are all tricky to maneuver and like lyme, I have to figure a lot of it out on my own vs Drs doing their job (not).

Now that I’m older, I can look back at my accomplishments and things that I checked off my to do list and realize how much harder it was to do with my health conditions, but I did it. It feels good reflecting.

I did the difficult stuff when i was younger, which means I still have a few optional things on my to do list for my older self. And I realize that I might (probably ) have to modify those wishes. And some wishes just wont happen, my chances are now past that point. Oh well….im not in a wheel chair.