I am so ashamed.....

I really hate bringing this up, but have come to the point I feel like I have to, just in case anyone relates or can explain it w/o me having suddenly become an alcoholic.

For years, for over 25 years, I have drunk no alcohol besides beer. I loved my beer -- tho I never drank alcoholically and I never drank or wanted anything else.

Around the time I first got sick w/ Lyme (tho I didn't know it was Lyme at the time), beer started making me sick, it didn't taste any good and made me feel so horrible, that I couldn't stand it anymore.  For over a year I never drank anything. Not because I was trying to quit or thought I should quit -- but because I hated the thought of it.  If I went to a social thing (RARE, maybe twice in 3 years) I'd have my beer, but could hardly choke it down. At one party, I tried to get 2 down to get a buzz and I couldn't do it.

Anyway, sometime during my Amox treatment, I felt like having a couple beers, despite the fact I shouldn't  while on abx.  Seeing My old Miller Lite just didn't do it, so I tried something new: Mike's Hard Pomegranite Punch.  Because it looked good and fruity and refreshing. I loved it and would have just a couple, a couple of times per week.  I started increasing the number of days, and now, I think I am addicted. I crave it, even tho I know I really don't want to feel that way.

It is so strange, because before 1/2 way thru my Amox, I couldn't stand the very thought of drinking ANYTHING alcoholic.

it's expensive, so I tried to drink a beer yesterday and again, couldn't choke it down and ran out for my Mike's.  I know it is bad for me, but the craving is pretty bad and I having a hard time giving it up.  It is very sweet and delicious.

I wondered if this meant my lyme was cured because I felt like I could drink again. But now, I am upset because I'm out of money, declaring BK, have no Dr money, but dying for my Mike's. (I make it last as long as I can cause of the cost)

It is possible AT ALL that something is causing this craving besides alcoholism??  Does anybody out there relate??  I don't feel like it's alcoholism because I don't want any other alcohol. If Mike's is not available, I don't want anything else.  Could it be the sugar? Or certain hopps?

I FEEL LIKE A TOTAL LOSER IDIOT, WHICH I AM.

Thank you so much, Razzle, as always. You are always so much help.  But I'm not talking about an occasional beverage -- I'm up to wanting 3 per day and I can't afford it and it's not like me to have any desire to drink everyday.

Yes, I am hypoglycemic -- have been for over 30 yrs.  I take a 'super' B complex daily.  One of my B12 test showed levels high off the chart, and I had one later that was a little low. What could be the reason for this? could it have any thing to do w/ the time of day and when I took the supplement?

YOu know, I have been wondering about yeast. 

And, if this means anything, I get hungry and weak, but don't want to eat.  My hypoglycemia has always kept me eating, and usually healthily.

 

And yes, I feel like such a loser. Because I promise myself no more Mike's, and then there I go running out to get some. I am not used to feeling like this about alcohol. And I admit,  I also crave the buzz it gives.

OH, thank you so much, Mikazmat! No, nobody has told me my personality has changed -- except that my daughter (the only one left I feel I can confide in) is buckling under seeing me in so much mental misery. 

I know my personality has changed, because I can see it in my dogs (hence more guilt), and all my old friends are sick of the fact that I never call them or try to see them or accept any invitations.  And it was that way for over a year, even when I didn't drink anything.

I understand that my thoughts are destructive -- again, my daughter pounds me with this.

M, I understand what you're saying, but for me, I don't know how it is/was the Lyme asking for alcohol, because I turned away from it when I was sickest.  Something has happened and I don't know what.

ooohhhhhh, 'paranoia'....   I haven't had the guts to even bring that up yet..... 

So, I'm behind here, where are you at in the scheme of this disease, M?

too bad I don't read whole articles.

Well good for u ,maybe u are kicking it, I hope so

I do crave sugar A LOT i think bugs like sugar

hope things  get better, maybe they are because that was one very prominent symptom

+Lyme,

I have to share my recent experience with you....

Until I was in my late 40's I probably drank an alcoholic beverage maybe once a year....if that! Then my husband and I started "getting into" wine; we had gone up to Pismo Beach for a vacation, and visited lots of the local wineries. Of course we tasted and purchased the local wines....we even joined some wine clubs where you get wine delivered 3 or 4 times per year.

Our intake increased until we were drinking wine with dinner every night. I continued to drink wine fairly regularly even when I was sick.....I never developed an aversion to alcohol. My husband has developed several health problems recently and has cut way back on his consumption of wine....and he started telling me I should cut back too.

Then I got scared because I felt like I COULDN'T cut back! I thought, just like you did, that I might be an alcoholic, because I didn't want to go without wine, even for a day.

Then I discovered non-alcoholic wine. I ordered some, had it delivered, tried it out. Well it turns out that what I'm hooked on is the *taste* of wine, not the alcohol! Because if I drink the non-alcoholic wine, I don't miss the alcohol or the "buzz"!!

So is this perhaps a sugar craving too? There's not much sugar left in wine, but my husband and I seem to prefer sweeter wines.

Anyway, I hope that this helps!
(((((hugs)))))
JoAnn

Hi +Lyme,

I am so sorry you are going through this..  I am a recovering alcoholic for over 25 years now and I still remember what it was like to have my "bottles" stashed away, I also felt guilt, felt bad about myself since deep down inside I knew I had a problem even though I was a functioning alcoholic.  

I don't know if it's an ingredient in this Mike drink or if you simply need an escape or to calm yourself down..  In my case, I needed to calm my anxieties and panic disorders which I had suffered from all my life and still do, just found a different way of dealing with it.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.   Hang in there and please don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

Hugs,

Denise

Hi +Lyme, mm where am I in the scheme of all this? Firstly I have been on ABX treatment for the best part of 6 months and off (not totally) the alcohol for the same length of time, I still do have the odd glass of red wine every now and again which I enjoy immensely but I put a tight limit on myself.

To begin with I started to do really strange things from wanting to run people down in the car for no apparent reason (rage), to setting out whether walking or driving and suddenly ending up miles away from where I wanted to be or buying the same news paper from two different shops. I was forgetting things, couldn't deal with numbers or words and just couldn't organise my life. One of the hardest things I found was to try and tell the MD's what was going on as I just couldn't think straight. On top of all this my body was physically dropping to pieces and hurting so much............ Not the best period of my life so far!!

With in the first month of starting treatment many of the mental symptoms I suffered had subsided, apart from the weekly bout of crying for nothing or a very confusing trip to "brain fog" land when I least expected it, and so did the drinking. My mental symptoms started to be more intermmitant giving me some opportunity to work out what was going wrong and I suddenly realised I was not doing my self any good, I didn't need to lose myself in the bottom of a glass anymore. I've had a sugar craving from the start of this illness and I don't feel the beer was part of that (I may be wrong) as the drink never satisfied the want for chocolate (which I still have but to a lesser degree), the drink removed the paranoia, anxity and depression for a while.....well no, it didn't, I just cared less!!

Now, for past two months I haven't cried a drop. My mind seems to be functioning well, apart from the fact I have no confidence anymore, and I am the master of the bottle. I do miss going out and seeing friends but I'm sure this will return when my self-belief comes back to comfort me. Physically I'm still having days where fatigue wrecks my day or the arthritis pains in my joints and stabbing pains debilitate me but I can live with these, I just wouldn't like to think how long I could have lived with the "brain mush".

You know that the drink will only drag you down and make you feel worse than you already do and magnify any bad feelings you have. Kick the habit, I'm sure you'll feel loads better when you do. Good luck and be strong, I'm sending you a hug from across the pond.

Mik

I have been a lover of beer for a long time. Lyme for me took beer off the table. When it hits the stomach it causes problems, and just a couple beers makes tomorrow harder. But I can see where you are coming from. YOu have Mike's and I have chocolate.

I have been a chocolate eater forever. But in recent months it is not just for the love of it. It is different. It is almost impossible to avoid it. I am ashamed as you. A little different mind you because I can't get arrested for driving while chocloxicated. buI understand th shame becasue you know you ought not but do.

The doc told me it is not uncommon for Lyme to cause insulin/glucose management problems. I am working on it at the moment. You might look into it.

Hi +Lyme,

As we all know, dealing with a chronic disease can be very difficult. I'm glad you are reaching out here.  I want to be straight forward on this...hope that's okay.  Since you have been in AA groups for family I am sure much of what I have to say will sound familiar.

You have said several things that are "red flags" that this may be more of a problem than just sugar cravings.  You have indicated that you Want to quit, but keep going back to it...this is an indication of addiction.  You said that you spent all your money on buying Mike's.  This is an example of how you Want to quit but are unable to quit by yourself.

You said "Because I promise myself no more Mike's, and then there I go running out to get some."  Again this indicates that you are unable to stop drinking on your own.

You said "I am not used to feeling like this about alcohol."  This statement indicates that your attitude towards alcohol has changed.  Maybe you used to be a "social" drinker but now you are getting something different from the alcohol.

"And yes, I feel like such a loser."  As you may know feeling guilty about your drinking behavior is another sign of addiction.  I am not saying that you are a loser...You are not.  I am simply pointing out that when we feel guilty about doing something it is often because a part of us knows that it is not good for us...but we find ourselves doing it anyway.

"And I admit,  I also crave the buzz it gives."  Okay you crave the buzz...what else is the drink "doing" for you?  We drink becuase we think it "helps" us in some way.  Maybe forget how hard it is to have lyme, maybe deal with the loss because of being sick, maybe cope with inner tumoil or relationships issues...these are just some general ideas.  For you the alcohol is likely filling a void and it is doing something for you...and you probably will need help to figure out what that is.

So this is what I see, you need to reach out for help.  You need to go to AA or an addictions program in your community and talk to someone.  You need to tell a close friend or family member about your cravings and ask for their support.  You need help quitting...now before it gets any worse.  

If I am completely off base and you don't have a problem, when you go to an addictions counselor and talk to them They will tell you that you do not have a problem.  Since you have reached out here it tells me that you have some doubt as to whether you have a "real" problem or not...so don't allow there to be any doubt - Go talk to a professional.

Addiction cannot be overcome alone, we need help.  Help from a professional or someone who has been clean and sober for quite a while.  I hope & pray that you can find someone to talk to about this :-)  There are many caring people who would love to support you.

Struggling with addiction does not make you weak or a loser...Only human.

Don't let this control you, reach out!

Blessings,

Great Expectations