just need a safe space to write about this

If I weren't spending so much $ on getting the lymes treatment, I could afford a counselor but that's not possible right now. My boyfriend has been such a great support, but I need to write some things out here.
I went back and looked at the list of all the detoxing I should be doing from the post "New to Lymes", but my panic attacks are worse in past couple days and I can barely stick to the medication regimen as it is. I will go over the detoxing procedures listed when I see my dr again in 2 weeks. When she says OK, I'll make more of an effort. It stinks that I can't "think for myself' on this and I need her approval on anything I am doing for myself, but my phobias are so strong. I need her to say, its OK. This won't hurt you and it may help.

I wonder every day if these are herxs I'm having or just more of the same symptoms I've had for past 7 years. Maybe now that I have the diagnosis everything seems bigger. I can't tell.

Like now, when I can't find the words to use when I'm having a conversation, now I know that's the Lymes. and it feels weightier, more at stake when I fumble for words.And I am sad too. I look back now with a new perspective on the past 7 years and I'm very sad for my life as my opportunities have slipped away.

One thing I know is different, I'm having alot more heat in my body. I used to be cold all the time. Now I get these heat waves going thru me. My boyfriend can even feel my skin gets hot from the outside, not just inside. It's a bit of an annoyance to be pulling off sweaters all the time but I count this as a good change in any case. I tell myself than my body is trying to learn how to regulate the temperature again. I don't know if this is right, but I've put a positive spin on it. How can I tell if this is right?

I can't tell whether my eyes are worse. I know that they have been this bad at times in the past. And my panic too. So how do I know whether I'm herxing? how do I know whether this treatment is helping. I feel so confused, I keep trying to gauge my progress but cannot tell what's what.
I sort of feel like a mess tonight. Thanks for giving me a chance to let it out.

Hi NJ,

Sorry you are going through this difficult patch. Hold on for dear life! This will pass with time.

It really sounds like you are in good hands by way of your doctor. The herxheimer reaction is a description of the worsening of symptoms caused by medicating certain diseases like Lyme. Not only is the bacterial die-off producing toxins your body is having difficulty throwing off, but your body get confused between the bacteria and itself as the bacteria cloaks itself in material that mimics the body's materials. Think of it as the shepherd hurting a lot of sheep while trying to kill the wolf dressed in sheep's clothing.

One of the things that held me together when I was going through what you are going through was to think of some of the people I know that had diseases that had no treatment or cure. I also focus on what I will do when I am well again rather than mourning what I wasn't able to do. So much of this battle is mental.

When you see your doctor do mention your panic and anxiety and sadness. She will know what can help you given your particular course of treatment. They are all part of the disease, but there are supplements and drugs that can ease your suffering.

The detoxing can see a bit overwhelming, but none of it is harmful -- quite the opposite. If you only up your water intake and take a nice warm bath with 2 cups of Epsom salts in it, you will see some relief. I also found a tea made with just hot water over a piece of cinnamon bark really helped with the panic. Detoxing doesn't have to be complicated but it can really make a difference in your recovery experience.

And you can always come here to vent! Even the most supportive spouse doesn't need to be woken from a deep sleep to hear how awful you feel!!! And we really do get what you are experiencing.

Hope you have a better day today!