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i pray that my brain can go back to how it was, I would

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Lyme Disease
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Posted 10/10/2012 3:27 AM (GMT 0)
(no one has to read this, just writing like a journal entry...

but wanting it out there for the world to see at the same time,if they want,  this dis ease is so messed up)

dedicate the rest of my life to help people

start off helping in any way to other lymies.  I would clean up garbage at a theme park,

it almost would not matter what kind of work I did. Everything in my life has changed..

I would live in studio apt for the rest of my life,

live in any state, I just want my brain fully working like it did prior

whatever, nothing matters like it use to, a working brain and I can rebuild a life.

I just want my brain back to how it was, I say to the universe

all the time, I have my brain fully back, I will be in heaven everyday,

life will be so beautiful, and so incredibly grateful all the time for the rest of my life.

things that were so simple, not give it thought to,

everything is such a hard process for me, it is unreal

I feel so freaking cheated, I currently am. We are.

I change the channel and forget what I was watching prior

I have two half eaten apple in my house, not remembing I had one out

having big poster boards of remeinder notes

notes, pens everywhere, to stay on top of bills, etc,

forgetting about the laundry, forgetting  I have a gym memebership

some days. not that I have used it as of late.

everything is such a big deal, except internet, and watching tv just lying there taking up oxygen but not doing anything, not contributing to the world, spending money, no money coming in, prime years going by so fast, I am in hell.. temporairly .I intend.

that is all I want, I can start over from scratch wiht a working brain

but if not, than... what.....

all the signs were there...

I became full of rage,so angry, breaking dishes and uncontroable for a few days, and admited myself to the psych ward, yes, I said it. I was thinking they may have more answers.

 and Iwas asking

how does a person do a 180 like that?  I did not feel in control and did not know what was going on,  passed around between friends and drs.

how could i be the complete opposite of who I was just like that?

I dont do drugs or drink, but friends, family were asking me

why is your speech off, why r u acting like this all of the sudden, u never acted like this prior

my whole temperment was off for a few years. It was a horror movie, sci fi,

except it was, is real, my life, the signs there

when I first started getting sick.

well the rage started after my bones were hurting, headaches,

I was in love wiht life, happy, hopeful of getting some answers, and as time went by

then it got to my brain

so angry there was time before it went there, it did not need to go there

darn the drs.  Everyone in my life has moved on, living there life as they should be

I tried to get well faster,

dr, thought mad cow disease, she knew me prior, the staff at the drs

were saying what is going on, I need to see a specialist...

so many signs, and no one knew how to help me, so much time wasted

breaks my own heart

no one had the answers, this hit me so hard, so fast

I am beyond words...

I feel better today than past few days, so I took advantage of it

by doing several chores, keep up with the housework. I have a maid service 2x a month, that helps termendously.  I was so darn happy cleaning the kitchen, knowing I may not feel well again soon, so use this band of time wisely....  this sucks.

I wanted to go back to school, I am terrified of the future

how is this going to work, to support myself, live.

I wish I could rewind my life by 10 years, than I would be cautious about going places, overseas.I went overseas so many times, I regret it, none of those experiences were worth it, nor do I even freakin remember them,I wish I was not such a nature lover,not so nieve,  not going for hikes in woods, and twirlling around at concerts like la la life is good and all and I am a good person so God has my back... all is well, right now, I say my foot to that...)  I should have put more bug screen stuff on.

Make different choices, live in the city

in an apartment. ANything differently, live up north, colder weather, wear long sleeves, anything that would have changed these horrific change of events. 

My life was heaven compared to what it is now...

Bugs always gravitated to me, my scent or whatever, respiration, I dont know what they say

I had so many talents, and gifts, and intelligence. resourceful, cleaver,  like we all do here

I loved how I was,

and it is just so incredibly insane that this dis ease exists.  I use to be spiritual, and now I play this game of loving and hating the universe at the same time.

I hope I can heal at least 90 percent of who I was

that is all i ask, and live the rest of my life quietly helping others, what is that bargaining? whatever, I will do it,  help others 5 days a week for the rest of my life.

had to write, cause I looked up lyme rage, and that was me, doing a one eighty and not understanding why, a real life nightmare.....

I plan on going to that place in Kansas in a few  months. nts.

in the meantime, drs appts, this is such a nightmare...  and some of  guys r the only ones that can relate, 

okay, I feel a tiny bit better to get this off my chest.  time to get some sleep and move forward to getting my full health back!

Posted 10/10/2012 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hope, it is all about keeping hope alive as we all struggle to regain what we lost. Perhaps our lives will be different but hopefully we can keep these symptoms in check and lead fulfilling lives.

I too struggle with the idea "if only" but we cannot rewind the clock no matter how much we want to....but we can do something everyday toward getting healthy. I take supplements, try to eat healthy, push myself to do one more thing at the house, try to exercise when it is the LAST thing I feel like doing and scrub my skin, take those baths, go to bed on time etc etc ....of course I also pray. I hope that by doing these things I am helping myself get well.

Please know you are not struggling alone as we are all there with you. If only we could all get together in person! Many times I feel so alone in this illness that is why I love this forum.

I too am a bug magnet...we just went out to eat the other day and a spider bit me on my leg! I pulled it off and set it on the table. It picked me of all the people at the table. I spray DEET on my clothes but missed my ankles!

So in other words I get where you are at, hang in there.
Posted 10/10/2012 2:01 PM (GMT 0)
Your words are all too familiar. But rest assured. My mind is clear now. I love my job again. I can relax without racing thoughts. I can have peaceful sleep. Its does get better. Believe me. I too begged to just be able to feel "normal" again. I am ever so thankful and life has taken on a whole new meaning. The rage, paranoia, anger, depression. It was horrible. I'm happy now. Don't think I don't have bad days. But they don't linger. Hang in there and be determined to be your old self again.
Posted 2/6/2014 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
are you sure this is lyme ? bc when i search lyme it showed up different things. i mean i have exactly same issues as you but i dont think i have lyme bc i live in city and no woods or water here and probably ticks cant get here if mcdonalds dont do anything wrong so these syptoms are show up in lyme certainly or if not are there certain sytomps for lyme ? bc i went dr he said im ok ,but i was not, and suddenly i googled how to get my brain back 15 min ago and im here.
Posted 2/6/2014 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
Lyme disease is practically everywhere now. All kinds of insects can now infect people, thoughtstononer. Mosquitoes, fleas, bed bugs, biting flies, deer flies, horse flies - even some spiders are thought to be able to pass Lyme disease on to people.

Most doctors still don't recognize a Lyme disease patient even if they are sitting in one of their examining rooms with a tell tale bulls eye rash - so for a doc to not recognize the grouping of symptoms that describe Lyme disease isn't a stretch at all.

Have you read through the Master Symptom List for Lyme disease in our "New to Lyme? Start here!" thread that sits at the top of the forum? If not, I would greatly encourage you to do so and see if you see yourself being described there. If so, then you should pursue treatment with either abx (antibiotics) or with alternative medicine - they both work.
Posted 2/6/2014 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
Plus birds can carry ticks anywhere.
Posted 2/6/2014 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thoughtstononer, have you been taking a benzodiazepine (anti-anxiety med) or a fluoroquinolone (such as Levaquin or Cipro)? These meds also cause the same type of symptoms as Lyme's disease.

Patty
Posted 2/6/2014 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
wellbeautifulspirit, I am sure many of us can relate to how you feel and thank you for sharing your thoughts. We WILL put this disease into remission. Your life will become whole again.

Patty
Posted 2/7/2014 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
Wellbeautifulspirit, Im so glad you posted this...I have been really suffering with my brain as well. It has been going on for about a month. I have been taking antibiotics as well as diflucan and it is hitting me hard! I completely understand what you are describing. I can't think things through, I forget what Ive done just seconds before and I feel more detached then ever from my life sad I will say that through this very rough patch, there are moments when my mood lifts and I can think very clearly! I haven't experienced really good moods in so many years as short as they may be, I think some of the crusty matter in my brain must be cracking! How long have you been treating your lyme? It has now been 14 months for me. My doc says the average is 2 years for his patients to be back close to "normal" I hope your mind begins to clear very soon...take care of yourself.

Carissa

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