Posted 10/10/2012 6:33 AM (GMT 0)
I honestly can't remember the last time I was on here, but after finishing antibiotics and relapsing immediately 15 months ago (after 2 years of untreated Lyme and 2 years of treatment), I've finally got my doctor's in a row and my stomach in good enough shape to start up with real treatment again. However, because I've been backsliding for so long, I'm REALLy sick.
The last couple of months, I have been dragging myself to work at the expense of everything else in my life. i wasn't buying groceries, eating, following my supplement plan etc. It was awful. I was killing myself to stay at work. So several of the healthcare practitioners/doctors I saw had strongly suggested I apply for Short term disability, and about 3 weeks ago, I totally crashed, and had no choice.
Long story short, insurance disagreed with doctor (even though doctor didn't mention Lyme) and forced me back to work (part time for the first couple weeks). This is awful because I KNOW what is coming. I've already cut pretty much all my social connections, and in just 1 week back (I had 2 weeks vacation booked, so I didn't have to work the first 2 weeks), I'm falling behind on everything, and exhausted. But- I can't always make myself sleep. Even when I do sleep well, I'm exhausted and falling asleep a lot during the day (so it makes it seem futile to try to sleep more).
I try to put the basics of my treatment plan and getting 3 square meals a day first. This means I spend pretty much all day every day forcing myself to do things that are extremely difficult/impossible (work, buying groceries, paying bills). When it comes time to bed I find a) I don't want to go to sleep, because if I do, then it will be tomorrow and I'll have to go back to work etc. b) I don't want to go to sleep because I haven't even had a second for myself, and I get depressed when I spend all my time either sleeping or working or taking care of basic needs. However, I WANT to get as much sleep as I can, to try to help my treatment.
I am already seeing a psychologist (awesome lady who doesn't think I am crazy, understands chronic illness, and supported my leave), but my entire plan with her was based on getting STD. She and I know what the problems are- I can't take care of myself right now, let alone do things that bring joy to my life- but there isn't an easy fix while I have to work.
The problem is, in the last 30 min to hour I have before bed, I usually wind by watching TV (on my computer, can't afford cable), or very rarely (when I have the concentration) reading a book. But I get unable to pull myself out and go to bed, even if I am totally exhausted. And if I go to bed earlier, the fatigue isn't enough to block everything else out, so I just lie awake feeling kind of sad.
I need advice on two things. The first, and more important, is on how to enforce a strict bed time with myself. The second is with how to a) find a bit of "me" time before bed but b) not let it spread out too late at night.