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Posted 1/27/2013 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
I am sharing this with all of you because I feel voicing this to others in my life will hurt them, and I just can't watch those I love so much cry anymore over my lyme and what it has caused. At the same time, this forum and the people in it have become a strange kind of family for me. I feel safe expressing my feelings and lucky to have opportunity to help others as well as touched and encouraged by everyone's sympathy and concern. So here goes..

My daughter turned 17 yesterday (so emotional for me). I am 37. I was married really young and divorced when my daughter was only 2. I focused on providing well for her, being a good mother, and always battling poor health. I did pretty well too, judging by how wonderful she turned out to be and the excellent relationship we have. My ex husband isn't a part of our daughter's life... It is what it is.

Fast forward.. Numerous illnesses, surgeries, cancers, hospital visits, seizures, broken hearts, and on the positive side enjoying life, accepting difficulties and learning and growing from them...never taking what we had for granted.

Four years ago I was engaged, and being that I was 33 already and I was marrying my best friend and being madly in love, we began trying to have a baby. Month after month, nothing happened. Saw doctors and specialists and they didn't know why. Then finally when I got pregnant, I miscarried, and miscarried, and miscarried. Then my egg wouldn't implant. When it finally did, miscarriage.

I am single now, and battling this disease that has taken so much from me already, taken all my daughter's teenage years from her thus far and I just want it to be over already. Being 37..and single.. and still battling lyme, for what my doctor believes another 2 years minimally, I have come to the depressing realization that my dream to have another child will probably not happen, meanwhile my daughter will be 18 in 1 year. I have been crying over this for hours now, finally admitting it to myself.

I am very thankful for my daughter. And I notice that I am slowly becoming the crazy cat lady. I just took in my 3rd that I found in an abandoned home. My 2 older cats are getting tired of the kitten's play, although she has brought a ton of life into the home and she was very sickly when I first found her. She is well now, so really she has become our medicine and saving grace. I can only imagine how many other kittens I "find" when my daughter goes off to college. I wont have room left on my bed seeing as to they all sleep with me.

Thanks for letting me share... My story is over now because my kitten wants to play fetch!
Posted 1/27/2013 11:35 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Sam,

That's a lot on your plate... I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this...

It's a heavy thing to carry around: a woman's clock is ticking, time passes by, and this disease needs so much time to get diagnosed and treated.

I'm going through a similar thing: I'm turning 34 in June, don't have kids yet, married for over 9 years. We never tried to get pregnant, cause I'm just feeling so bad the last 18 years of my life. Just don't have the energy for a child, but I would like to have one. My body doesn't even have that urge of becoming a mom right now.

I'm getting more and more scared there won't be any time left to have a baby, that disease is taking all my energy, time and money. Sometimes I even think I need to get away from my husband, let him get his life, make children with another woman. I don't even know if I can have children? Then some drs told me in the past I shouldn't wait too long with it, being an ex-cancer patient, I might come across early menopause. I try not to thing too much of that, drs say a lot of things, mostly just nonsense. 
Luckely my husband just waits, without ever complaining (about that :-) )

Good to read that your daughter is getting well, and that she's so supportive to you!! You must be proud of her!

take care,

M

Posted 1/27/2013 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Sam,

Your story really hit home with me. I think you are a amazing person to raise your child alone with Lyme. Also I love animals, and cats are just my favorite, and I would safe them all if I could. I really do hope you get better soon, so you can enjoy your life.

I was thinking when I get better I would try to spread the word about Lyme , and help as many people as possible. I want to turn this horrible experience of Lyme into something positive.

You must of did a great job with your daughter as she is going to college, so I would be very proud of yourself. Your right about this website , when I am lost this is where I come to. If no one else understands , someone will on here.

Here to all of us a quick recovery, and so we can start to enjoy our lives.

justme
Posted 1/28/2013 2:12 AM (GMT 0)
Sam, sorry that you are grieving so much right now :o(. I understand and my heart really aches for you.

I have 2 young children right now. I struggled for 3 yrs. of infertility before having my second child. The Drs. never could figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant, I now believe that it was the Lyme disease causing infertility. I got pregnant naturally with my second child, my daughter, 2 months after a failed IVF. The pregnancy was really rough because I didn't feel well and then I lost out on her entire first year because I was so sick and in and out of the hospital and trying to figure out why I was ill.

So, our stories are very different, but I guess that I'm just saying that I've grieved a lot over it also. My husband and I have always wanted 3 or 4 children and I am now realizing and coming to terms w/ it just not being in the cards for us. I'm 34, expect that it will be at least another year or two before I go into remission/heal, and there's no way that I would want to risk being pregnant and relapsing again. My husband still sometimes makes comments about having another child someday. He just isn't ready to give up on the idea, but I know that it will never happen. A couple of months ago, I gathered my son's baby clothes up to give to my sister for her baby boy and I cried through most of it. It's definitely a process to come to terms with it.

I do think about maybe adopting one day, but for now, I'm just focused on getting well so I can take care of my children.

It sounds like you are a wonderful mom and have done so well with raising your daughter in spite of all of your struggles. Take pride in that and enjoy her as an adult. You never know what your future may hold...I hope it's full of good health, fun, helping others, and purpose :o)!
Posted 1/28/2013 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, thank you for your post. I am 36 now, and have pretty much resigned myself to not having children. I used to assume that I would, until I realized my health was getting worse, and was too unpredictable to support myself, much less a child.

Also, I recently lost the relationship that meant the most to me. I'm newly in the shock of being single myself.

I expect that when I get a little better and come out of this health struggle, I'll be mourning all of this, and the many lost relationships and opportunities over the years.

On the one hand, it feels devastating. On the other hand, being sick is helping me to sort out what my priorities are. I see that as much as I idealized the relationship with the person who is gone, it wasn't what I really needed. For the future, I want to be strong and healthy, but I also want to be with the person who wouldn't leave. I only want to be with a person who would want me, in sickness and in health, just as I would for them.

Focusing on the health part now.
Posted 1/28/2013 3:29 AM (GMT 0)
samjones,

I want to thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts in this post. I am sure that it goes a long way in letting the other very ill people here that they are not suffering alone.

I have never been sick with this terrible illness, but I did suffer emotionally when our daughter was sick. I can appreciate what you are going through in part. It took ALL of my energy and focus to serve as Heather's main advocate, and to find "the cure."

Your case is exponentially more difficult. You yourself are so ill and you don't have the support of a spouse. There are many so-called heroes in this world, but you are a real hero. I know that you have not written this post with the intent of generating sympathy. I just want to tell you that I have reserved my highest admiration for you, and for other women like you, that have so sacrificially cared for their children.

I really feel for the other women that have expressed their desire to have children but are so sick. I agree that it is probably best not to do so while you have an active infection.

Don
Posted 1/28/2013 4:08 AM (GMT 0)
wow,
thank-you all for sharing such intimate thoughts and wonderful and kind words with me. Reading your encouraging and thoughtful words brought tears to my eyes. This devastating disease takes so much from us that it is really great to find others that understand, although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I do wish to make something good out of this. The goal is a non profit center. Here in Connecticut, Lyme is really high.

I sincerely thank-you all again.

Samantha
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