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Not doing well at all. Sorry I'm posting so much

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Posted 12/31/2013 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I feel like I'm posting too much; sorry! I finally had to admit to myself that I'm back in a big Lyme flare, and not doing well at all. The abx really helped me, and I got so much better, and I was kind of up and down while doing Teasel and Smilax, but now I've had to admit to myself that I'm really not doing well. I'm losing my appetite, having trouble with impulse control and ADD kind of stuff, sleeping 12 hours a night, having pain flares, and so on.

I'm also depressed: One of my best friends of all time passed away right before Christmas. I didn't want to ruin folks' holidays, so I only told a few people. Then, my dog bit me (and that's actually going quite well, with natural abx and garlic), I had to go to the ER, the next day she had a seizure (she has Lyme), and now my tummy isn't doing so well from even the natural abx. I also had to deal with the people from Animal Control, but they let me keep Sophie, and didn't require a quarantine.

I'm feeling really isolated, because I can't go out and do things, and doesn't help that I live in a really small town (though in a beautiful area). My house is a huge mess, and it involves maintenance, and I really need to move to a smaller space, but am doing nothing about it, as I don't have the energy. My money is running out. I don't mean to be such a downer; sorry. I need to count my blessings, though right now, I'm not sure what they are! :) My friend Jack was a great help, because he was struggling with Lupus and kidney problems, so he really understood what I was going through. I saw him almost every day, and now he's dead. :( It happens to all of us, but . . . .

I need to use my sense of humor, I guess, and my few remaining friends. Sorry I sound so pathetic. I don't mean to.

Btw, I can't get the emoticons (on side) to work! I like the emoticons.

Margaret sad sad smhair ha ha
Posted 12/31/2013 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, Margaret!!!
What a lot you have to deal with!! And don't worry at all about posting a bunch!! That's what we are here for!! :-)

I'm so very sorry to hear about such a dear friend of yours passing. That's hard even when we are healthy! Hang in there, and don't forget to try to make some new friends. I live in a very rural and secluded area and don't have hardly any friends in this area - most of my friends are online, but I have exchanged phone numbers with a few of them and we talk from time to time as well and that helps me a lot.

How is your dog doing? I'm so glad that you didn't have to fight with Animal Control.

May I suggest that at least part of your tummy troubles are due to the stress of all of these things? That's quite a lot to deal with when you are this ill!

Also, and I'm going to make a new thread about this as well - remember we have a New Moon happening tomorrow. A New Moon can affect some people the same way a full moon does. This could explain quite a bit of what you are going through, especially when the stress of what you've been through lately is added in!

Try to relax and pamper yourself a bit. You deserve it!! :-)
((((((hugs))))))
Posted 12/31/2013 10:08 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry he lost his battle. It's ok to vent here and it's good for you to do it, rather than hold it all in. You just need to get through the grieving in your own time. It's especially hard to lose someone during the holidays, so it may take more time than another time of year.

I know how it is not to have friends you can count on. I live amongst 400,000 people, with a bigger city nearby, and don't have any close friends. The ones I've had have moved away and I'm not out much of anyplace where I'll meet more.

Having a sick pet is hard too. I lost my dog about 2 years ago and miss her. She was a goofy girl. I hope yours will recover.

You're amongst friends here that care, so keep talking.
Posted 12/31/2013 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Gosh you two, thanks so much!

Trav., somehow I knew you were going to answer, and bump me up, ha ha!

Garden Peace, you're also very good at answering.

I actually did feel a little better this afternoon after I walked the dogs and saw two of my neighbors. A lot of the houses here are seasonal though, which means the "vacation" people are only here part time.

The funeral got me depressed. That's the thing about living in the South, and especially in the Apps. (location, not smart phone apps), you have to deal with these big open caskets. And not only is the person preserved in embalming fluid, you know that his body is not going to go back to the earth in a casket that looks almost like plastic. I felt sad for J. I had to do a lot of maneuvering around the church to avoid having to see the casket. I asked some family members to let me by, and I broke through the family line, so I didn't have to walk by the body. It was almost funny, if not quite. The nice thing is that his dog was buried with him. His dog was hit by a car two days after he died. C. and B. placed the dog in a Tupperware container (!), and somehow talked the preacher into allowing the Tupperware container to be placed in the casket. It was B.'s dog too, and B. is only 15! Ok, now I'm going on and on. The other weird thing about Southern/mountain funerals is that shortly after the graveside service, there is a huge spread right next to the church, and you're supposed to eat all this food, like fried chicken. So J. was in the church 30 min. ago, and now we're eating all this food next door? I couldn't eat. I felt so down, and so sick when I got home, but at least C., his wife, felt better, and that's what counts.

I'm also having a hard time with people judging me bc of the ADD-like symptoms, and the slurred speech. My Swiss family told me I was, "too intense." My sister judges me too. Plus, they don't seem to believe the Lyme thing. I know people talk behind my back. I'm just sort of wondering where and with whom I belong, you know?

Well, at least the laceration on my arm didn't get infected. I'm tired, and very unproductive, but I've chosen sort of a protocol, and I'm going to order the stuff and go with it!

Trav., and Garden, I'm glad you have hubbies. I wish I had either a hubby, or even a nice roommate.


Margaret
Posted 1/1/2014 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
Margaret,
You belong with us!! You will always have me - well as long as you want me!! turn giggle! And you can always get a hold of me by email.

We do that meal after a funeral thing here too! I have trouble eating after very emotional times, so I don't eat much either - just enough to not upset the elders that are there!

Once you've healed, I'm sure that the world will seem different, as you will no longer be judged on things that aren't really a part of you, only what you are going through, and no one understands that better than another Lymie!

My Mom was over for a very early New Years (YEA! turn), and she had brought along this catalog. In it was this saying - so appropriate for you now:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a beautiful butterfly"

Your transformation will be no less dramatic, I'm sure. I know mine was and I believe that each go through a beautiful (& hard won) transformation once we have endured all of this.

I do hope that 2014 brings renewed strength and healing for you, Margaret.
Posted 1/1/2014 1:27 AM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you were able to get out for a walk and found some people to chat with. I hope you'll do more of that.

Funerals are hard, in my opinion. We didn't do an open casket at my mom's service. It was just hard for me knowing she was inside it, at least I hope she was. She was to be taken to a city about 2 hours away, so a business in the city next to us came and picked her up, in a panel van with no business name or anything to identify them. My husband followed them out and made sure she was taken car of properly and asked why they didn't have a business name on their van. They said it was to prevent organ theft since it happens with people going for organs to sell. Nice thought, eh?

I'm glad you went, even thought it was hard. It gave you closure to help you move on past it. Being chonically ill does make it harder to go through.

I get judged a lot too. People misunderstand me a lot and only a handful have seen through it to the real me. Those are the ones who moved away. I'm one who is better from company when I'm ill, so that makes life hard sometimes when I'm alone. I had more people to visit with when my mom was in the care home, so now that she's gone, my life has been solitary more. I've gone back to the care home a few times to visit the residents I grew to know and care about. Sometimes I felt that I fit right in there! I told the owner a few times that I thought I should move in with my mom. The aides always looked out for my well being too, especially at the end of her life. They were so supportive and gave out lots of hugs and made sure I ate. It was a long, hard 3 weeks, but I was glad to be with her and let her know how much I cared.

Ok, I'm going to get you more depressed, so I'll stop! You're not alone as long as you stay on this forum. I've never seen such a good one before.

Lots of hugs coming your way!
Posted 1/1/2014 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
Dearest Margaret,

You have every right to feel depressed, please don't apologize okay?  Losing a friend is a very difficult thing to go through and you expressed it so well that your post brought tears to my eyes..

I don't have a hubby and I remember when I lost my first husband to cancer and it was an open casket for 3 days, I could not stop kissing him (nuts right?  or very morbid).   I didn't want to let him go or I couldn't let him go.  It was a real horrible time for me and even though it was years ago those memories are still with me now as I loved him that much.  Even though I have a boyfriend it's not the same.   And when the holidays are here it only reminds me of my first husband as he made everything so beautiful.  I spoke with my Mom-In-Law tonight (his Mom) and she was very depressed and can't wait until the holidays are finally over or even her life (she is in her 80's and wants to be with her son).   I wish I could hug her right now but she lives about 5 hours away.

I also live in a rural area in the boondocks but up north where I am isolated.  I had a best friend of 40 years who lived not far from me but she changed.  We no longer talk and that still hurts me.  She became a very selfish human being as well as an insensitive one and I could not tolerate her hurting me anymore.  

Anyway, we all have problems and I know being sick makes everything worse. 

Please know I am here for you and please don't worry about your house right now.  The clutter is not going anywhere!  I remember when I was sick and my house was cluttered and it bothered me so much that I could not clean it up..  But I was alone and had no help.    I just put everything into piles and stopped looking until I got well again...

Big Hugs to you!!

Denise

 

Posted 1/1/2014 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
Deejavu, it sounds like you had a very special husband. I'm sorry you lost him. And I'm sorry your friend changed so much and drove you away. Hopefully you have others you can count on.
Posted 1/1/2014 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
And let's not talk about houses being cluttered!! LOL! I used to have a whole room dedicated to "I don't know", as I couldn't always figure out what I was supposed to do with things! I knew that I needed to keep them, but where and how escaped me! LOL! It was a huge deal when I finally took the days to go through that room and get it all taken care of! I threw a lot of that stuff that I "just knew I had to keep" out!!!


Denise~
Although we've already talked about this (& so much more!), I'm sorry for your loss with your 1st hubby.

I hadn't heard about your friend up there changing - I'm so sorry!! I know that you so looked forward to living closer to her. Hopefully, since you are in an area that you love to live in, you too will find some friends that will be 'close friends' soon!

Margaret, I hope you are seeing a trend here!! wink
You are very cared about here and we want you to post lots when you need it!! :-)
Posted 1/1/2014 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I actually had a pretty good New Year's. My ex-boyfriend (no, no hope) invited me over, and we watched a really funny movie on TV.

I've decided I'm in a fighting mode right now, I mean, I'm fighting against illness, depression, and my own bad tendencies.

Not sure about the butterfly thing, a 53-year old butterfly, ha ha, but there's always hope.

Deeja, what happened with your best friend? Was she judgmental too? Did she have trouble understanding your illness? I have lost close friends as well, either bc they didn't understand my illness, or because we just outgrew our friendships, and no longer had that many things in common.

Then, of course, J. is gone.

Everyone is mortal, and to me, it sometimes seems as if my body is fighting so much, I wonder if there really is any hope. Yet, some of us do get better.

Margaret
Posted 1/1/2014 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Margaret,

What happened with my best friend were many "little" things but all those little things kept building up.  My ex-bestfriend had one child late in life (all she ever talked about was having a child when we were younger).  She spoiled her daughter so much to the point where her daughter controlled my friend.   When I moved up north here my friend and I would go on mini-trips looking for moose, etc. and her daughter would call her via cell phone and tell my friend to come home NOW for a stupid reason (daughter had a child and lived with her boyfriend).  And this went on and on, everytime we had plans her daughter would try to break them up.  

I didn't blame the daughter, I blamed my friend for not putting her foot down and saying NO.

The last episode was when I was having extensive surgery in my mouth (I had bone grafting and 6 implants put in last summer).  I was in so much pain and could not walk around the first few days and really needed my friend (I let her know this) but she never came over to help me, not once (telling me her daughter needed her).  When my friend had her back problems and couldn't move I not only drove her to her doctors, the ER, but also cleaned her place for her and cooked for her. 

Anyway, that really hurt me and I felt it became a one-sided friendship or not my definition of a friendship at all...

Denise

Posted 1/1/2014 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Margaret,

I've been reading your post since yesterday, but hadn't had the chance to answer.
I'm very sorry that these days are so hard for you... I hope you have the strength to struggle through them...
I'm sorry you lost your friend.
And please don't apologize, let it out.

I have, as many amongst us, very unsensitive people around me. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to do a thorough cleaning... Don't let them get to you, it's very easy to have prejudices, not being prejudiced testifies of greater self controll and self reflection. There is a lot of work out there to be done...

It is good though to read that today you got some of your fighting spirit back.

Marie

PS: A butterfly is a butterfly... I've never been able put an age on a butterfly smilewinkgrin
Posted 1/1/2014 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi folks,

Deeja, it sounds like you either need to have a very straight talk with your friend, or let her go. I find ceremonies help in letting people go, although I've had one heck of a hard time letting go of my sister. I won't go into why I need to let go of her, otherwise I'll get too angry (which is not letting go--ha ha--but being engaged in something). Sometimes you have to "get a divorce," either from a friend or from a relative. One of my neighbors didn't get along with her brother, so she put his picture on a leaf, and let it float down the river.

I had a friend who drove up to NY, where I was having a spinal tap done. He was supposed to be helping me, so he stayed in a motel room with me, and he was grumpy the whole time, bc I think he was stressed. Then he gave me the whole "it's all in your head" talk, and I never heard from him again. I tried contacting him, and I tried contacting his girlfriend, and nothing worked. We had been friends for 32 years.

Marie, when you say, "cleaning," do you mean cleaning house, or cleaning out toxic friendships? I think both are good.

Well, all, last week was a crazy week for me, but it's another week, and another year.

My dog and I are doing one drop of Cat's Claw twice a week! That's it for now, but I'm going to order some of the Cowden Nutramedix stuff from iherb, where it's cheaper. I mean some, not all, so Cowden doesn't rob me blind :) Other than that, I'll look at Buhner's protocol (on the website), ie not the book, so I might add Astragalus (spelling?), and Houtt, ok, I really don't know how to spell that one. Houttanyia?

I've done massive probiotics today, and I started drinking my homemade Kombucha.

My dog bite is draining, but still not infected.

I'm surviving, but lonely. So . . . assuming my "protocol" works, I might turn into a little butterfly.

Thanks for all your support. I keep thinking that everyone's going to think I'm crazy, bc I'm so used to some of the "normal" people in my life thinking I'm crazy, or at least, "a little strange."

Margaret
Posted 1/2/2014 10:00 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry for your loss Margaret. I am happy you are getting to keep your dog though. We lost our beautiful Aussie the end of September and it hurt terribly. If you lived near us you probably wouldn't feel so lonely 'cause we would be bugging you to join our household for meals, etc....with your permission to be bugged of course. LOL I have a real soft spot for people who say they are lonely. Cyber hugs to you.
Posted 1/2/2014 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
Margaret you are having a very difficult time and it is ok to vent ...we all do this here. That is what this forum is here for, venting and getting info! I hope today is a better day for you. :) I have been having a tough time myself and I know how lonely this disease can be. It is hard. ((hugs))
Posted 1/3/2014 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
Now CAT, how do you know I don't live near you? I'm coming over for dinner (LOL)! That's a very sweet post. You can come over to my house, but it will take some massive cleaning on my part!

I'm sorry about your hubby. Is he still on Doxy? My mother had ALS.

Hey, I bet you live in the South somewhere! Am I wrong?

Margaret
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