Feeling sorry for myself, sad.

Then I go downtown...and I see someone in a wheelchair who is worse off than me...and I think it could be worse...why am I not appreciative of what I do have... not what I don't have?

Hey Girlie...

You're not the only one that feels this has taken an emotional toll.  I think that's why we're all here.  I day dream sometimes thinking about how my life was before this illness, and think about how it would be like if I didn't have this illness.  It takes a HUGE emotional toll, there is no doubt.  I actually broke down right in front of my boss.  It was pretty embarassing.  And the lack of support, isolation, and then the symptoms!  That feel never ending!

I think one of the strangest things about this disease... Is from the outside perspective people don't think our disease is that threatening.  I mean for example if you are having a heart attack or stroke the doctors are right there for your help.  But for this disease they basically think you are okay.  There aren't a lot of signs of it to other people?  I guess you can say it's like an invisible disease to others?  But to the one affects, it is really powerful.  I was talking about this illness to one of my co-workers, he said... "But you look healthy to me".  LoL... And in my world, I am so sick I just want to lay in my bed.

There is certainly 'emotional damage' done by this diease, it happens for sure!  In fact this illness is very tramatic to those affected, and very difficult to get rid of!  Overcoming this is actually part of our healing process.  Some doctors call it 'emotional toxins, baggage, etc', but yes it certainly comes down on you! 

The reality is depending on how long you had it for, etc... Yes there can be some long term damage done.  Kind of like when you cut yourself you might get a scar right?  Dr. R said with Lyme there can be some long term damage done like a scar.  But with time scars fade... So should get better!

You will eventually feel better... Many like to say this illness is like peeling an onion... You got to just peel it away layer by layer by layer.  Eventually you do get better with time. 

Oh also one thing for sure... Most LLMDs will agree that most patients will get at least to 90% of their pre-lyme state no matter how long they have had it.   So you will at least get there!

 

Thanks everyone....I think I'm just having a moment...and not realizing that it too will pass.

Chapelle: OMG 48 years old - so sad. I know, my brain tells me it could be worse...but my emotions don't seem to "get it"...

Lymepickle: I cried a few times at work last year, ugghh...yup - embarrassing alright. Yes, scars do fade...and I guess these are still fresh wounds...not even scars yet...so can't expect to be better until the wounds have healed.

Mike: You're right - gotta take every ounce of "goodness" and cherish it.

I have an appt. with my LLND (phone call) and I feel like I'm going to be disappointing him with my progress....almost feel like fudging the data...lol Although, even tho it's been 4 weeks since I saw him, and he changed my abx...I didn't start them four 4 days, and then took another several days to get to full dose. So, I've really only been on full dose of the Ammox for just under 3 weeks.
We'll see what he has to say. He likes to see a significant in 4 weeks...

It's just so hard to determine how much better I am. - some things have improved - my sleep, my anxiety is gone, my hot flashes are more like warm flashes, my knee joint pain has been gone for several days now...BUT, the past few days my chills/shivers are worse...and there's been no change in a lot of others. I just have too many symptoms...lol...I'm a mess.

Girlie I have been feeling the same way and like you I feel I have so much to be grateful for but instead now I fight discouragement, anger, frustration. I dont get it but I too feel scarred by this experience. The slightest increase in symptoms just pushes me off ghe edge, I get so irratable. Over ten years and im weary and worried when I do get better what will I do. Lost my career. Profound sadness, trying vling to little faith and trust it will all work out.

Girlie,
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Like you I feel like I lost so much to this illness A lucrative job, helping my mother in her final days, friendships, date nights, doing stuff with my kids. Life could not have picked a worse time for me to get sick. It's taken a severe toll.

I have to hope to find some light at the end of the tunnel in all this. I'm not sure what that will be. I hope you can too. I think about you often.

I know it's hard to stay positive but please do. You have a reason for being sick and you are on a healing path, as slow as it may seem you will get there!

Girlie, hang in - your timing is about the same as my son's. He lost his freshman year as everyone diagnosed him with behavior issues and crazy (not supposed to use that word)... finally April it hit me he had lyme 4 years ago, knee swell and they told me he was healed and it does not recur - yeah, right.

Never left him all summer to bring him healthy food and meds - still he hates me, his dad even more as we let him down all that time.

Now started 10th gr. full honors and he's not doing homework, not focused, but wont' admit it and this week, has missed school all week, up gaming all night on minecraft with I guess international people, and sleeping all day. wow.

I cry for him and us everyday... it's so hard trying to get him well. The dr. uppped his doxy on the 4th and he started crashing with i guess a herx last tues/wed.

Please keep up the meds and your life as best you can. If you stay busy, you may feel the pain, but it preoccupies your mind and that helps. I had surgery in April and still have a lot of pain every day, but worry so much about Andrew that I notice my own less.

I read Cure Unknown and the author was very inspirational. Some of the people in her book were SO SICK... but they pulled through. It's hard waiting the time. Most things you are well in days or weeks, even after a surgery - this is so long and emotionally devastating.

I understand... my son was able to be a lead in the play and probably would have been in the top 10 of his class - now he can't even color the periodic table chart! :( Forget about the full scholarship to college, if he even goes. I feel like you do, so sad. He just keeps gaming and laughing and enjoying life - I see him staring off into space sometimes, but he just keeps saying he's fine - not sure he really gets it all, but I don't want to tell him right now.

Try each day to do something you really enjoy and can do. I wallow and cry and I know that is not the healthy way to handle all this, so I need to take my own advice!

Lymepickle - well said - no support home - always so tired husband doesn't understand thinks I'm ignoreing and being mean to him, work - boss always says so what disease are you going to this doctor for now - I look perfectly healthy but they don't feel the pain, sadness, aches, hurt, confusion in the mind like you are losing it !!! I have stress coming from all points in my life and from the people I am with the most - the people that are my support unfortunately don't get to see or be around that much.... Sometime I feel like I'm self distructing over eating sugar, drinking alcohol sometimes.... trying to eat better - taking my meds faithly - on my 3rd LLMD - this regiment seems to work better but I went to the doc July 23rd and haven't heard a word from the doc or done any kind of blood test to make sure liver and other organs are ok... I know - sorry I sound like I'm on a pitty party

thanks again everyone!!
I'm having a much better day today...it certainly helps to have the support of all you wonderful people!
My son dropped over and is hanging out here with me all afternoon, and I will make dinner...so nice to have him all to myself for a few hours.


Regarding baby goats...we went on a minivacay this summer and one of our "outings" (me, hubby, son and his gf) was to "Kangaroo Creek" - a farm that raises kangaroos. Also has goats, emus, bunnies, pot-bellied pigs, and few other animals I can't think of at the moment. It's a huge plot of land-and the animals are not in cages...so they're amongst the people....so awesome. I held a baby roo in my arms. It was the highlite of our trip for me.
The cost was only $5 per person and it's non-profit - so just to cover the wages. Wonderful place if you're an animal lover.

Thank you for posting this, Girlie. It has helped me sooooo much.

I've been struggling with this for 5 years ......feeling awful. Missing out on life. Watching people around me "living" whereas I was only existing. Many nights I would pray that I don't wake up in the morning. Even things like my daughters' birthdays (they are 10 and 13) I just cannot enjoy as much as a mother should. It's difficult to feel happiness and excitement while suffering with horrible symptoms. But I try. One day at a time, one step at a time.

In the little reading that I've done (I've only been diagnosed for 2 weeks), it does seem most people do get somewhat better. It just takes time. There is no quick way to get better from this. All the more reason that this forum is priceless.

I'm here if you ever want someone to complain to! Believe me, I understand. In the meantime, try not to let life just pass by. Do your best to participate and "live" and not just exist.

Xxoo

I feel supersad and sorry for myself too. One day I am feeling so much better and thinking I finally made it through this- then another day I get some sort of symptoms and wonder if it is as active as ever. And the symptoms are so confusing so it is so scary to not know if all these months of treatment have helped me or not. I personally just took a blood test a few days ago to check the status of if my lyme is still active or not, so in 2 weeks or so I will know. I am so scared about it. One minute I feel hopeful and the next scared. I had been feeling really good for a few days and feelin like- oh man I shouldn't even be on these antibiotics anymore. Then a few days later I feel various forms of ill and wonder if I need to be on even stronger antibiotics. This thing has totally changed my life- and affected my role as a wife and Mom. I hate being a sick person. Before this I was super healthy and so in touch with what it took to be healthy. Now I feel like my hwole life could just be compromised from this. I am having a down day today. Some other days I feel great and normal. I notice a lot of progress in some areas but still this awful thing is so tricky I don't know what is what and I feel sorry for myself about it all the time.

Girlie, I understand where you are coming from. It is like being on the outside looking in. After spending many years with what they call "clinical depression", I have come to accept that trying to control it the way people normally deal with emotions just doesn't work. My husband has had a real tough time emotionally this last year too and now understands what it's like to be in that situation. I went through years of guilt for not being able to function the way I felt I should. I don't feel that way now and it has helped me feel better about myself. The last thing you need is to second guess yourself and feel bad for feeling the way you do. You have enough on your plate with dealing with Lyme. It's not your fault, and I truly believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have witnessed it and can testify that it is my experience too. I believe people have more strength than they realize. I am sure you do too.

Thanks everyone for the comments!!

I feel like such a weanie having yet another pity party!
And there are so many of you that have more challenges than I do and are taking it in stride.

I don't have the energy right now to respond to each of you individually - but I can tell you I'm tearing up just reading the responses.
Breaking Free - Thank you - that is so nice of you to say...

OMG - what will I do when I'm better - I feel like I have made new friends...and won't want to let go!!!