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In a hole: Things not going well in my life. (Rant alert)

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Posted 9/18/2014 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, I'm in a hole again.

My best friend B. is criticizing me, sometimes nonstop.

It seems like she is really frustrated. She says things like, "You forget things all the time."

Today, she said she thought I used my illness as an excuse, at least some of the time. I told her forgetting things was something I couldn't help, and she disagreed.

She's a believer, whatever that means, but she's a very active person, and very athletic, so it must be hard for her to understand. She's also not very intimate, although she has told me she loves me. She seems to be distancing herself. She tries to make efforts to call me etc., but I sense that it's out of guilt.

Meanwhile, I tried internet dating (what a stupid thing to do)! I kind of got attached to a guy; we were messaging back and forth, and as soon as I mentioned being ill on my profile page, he started getting distant. When I asked for an explanation, he said it was a misunderstanding, and that he was super busy; also said that I would have to be patient if I wanted to be his friend, and then he deleted his account. I feel like it's all my fault; I was too hasty and impulsive in the way I talked about my illness, bc I was having a bad day.

I almost feel like he was afraid I was going to stalk him, or scam him or something.

I can't do internet dating; it takes way too much time, but I am a little bit heartbroken.

I think I'm doing some really stupid things to alienate people. I know that's not entirely my fault, but still . . . .

I guess I'm having one of those, "I feel so alone" moments or times.

A little bit of good news though, with the tiniest amounts of Traveler's, "hooch," my hot sweats have gotten better. I'm herxing like crazy though.

I'm so sad . . . .

I apologize, but I warned you folks that this was going to be a rant.

Margaret
Posted 9/18/2014 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
No apology necessary. It is very hard when we go through this experience we expect those who were our friends will be supportive, especially our christian family. It has been the hardest thing of all for me to accept, the abandonment by those I thought I was close to. Ya just want to isolate cause they dont get it that these problems are real and impair your function and you think it should be obvious but all see to look at the surface and conclude there is nothing wrong.

I just got a call today from an old friend I worked with before we both lost our jobs, mine due to this friggen illness. He let me know after 1.5 years he got a good job, I was so happy for him but it brought of feelings of sadness in me, almost brought me to tears multiple times tonight, but I dont cry since it gives me very bad headaches. We happen to run into each other at Labcorp last week (I have not seen him for 2 years). He mentioned on the phone today that he thought I looked well, told him looks are deceiving, as example explained the blood test that day showed a TSH of 19.24 up from 3.75 in March trying to impress on him that people cant conclude how someone is doing by looking at them.

I am sorry your 'christian friend' is not supportive but rather judgemental. Guess she is forgetting Gods admonishment about judging others. I also know the feeling of wanting to cling to whatever remaining 'friends' one has but consider how she is making you feel, she is not supportive.

Dont appologize, this is a very difficult, draining experience. You are a valuable person as are so many who post here. Sadly ignorance is blinding and uncondtional love rare.

Hang in there!! Done worry about venting, I think I would implode sometimes if i did not have this forum to share my frustrations as well as the positive changes. I am grateful to God for this forum and its members, I dont know how people got through this illness without this kind of support which is lacking by those still in our lives.
Posted 9/18/2014 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Roxie,

Thanks so much for answering. This forum is so much more constructive than okcupid.

Do you mean to tell me the people in your church don't support you? What about the care committee?

Actually, she isn't a Christian.. She says she's agnostic I'm sort of in between, very spiritual though, so that explains part of the problem between us. She's very practical, down-to-earth, constantly active, while I'm a poet, think a lot about spiritual things, try to learn from the great teachers and masters, but think too much, and am too emotional.

Basically though, I think she's fed up with my illness, and has reached a point where she can't stand it anymore. She's sick of finding the keys I left behind, etc. etc. So now, it's become a big crisis for both of us.

I guess internet dating is kind of hopeless, but you know, I feel like I make so many mistakes, and do so many stupid things, it's hard for me not to judge myself.

I did cry really hard today; for me it's a release (just get little headaches), and when I cried hard, my dog wagged her tail. At least that.

Margaret
Posted 9/18/2014 6:07 AM (GMT 0)
Margaret - I get those "feel so alone" times, too - and I'm married. He's very supportive...but it's just this feeling that I'm having to struggle alone. No one really "gets it". It's a horrid disease...and we just got to keep fighting....and of course I still wonder if I've got a couple things going on...not just Lyme.
You said you're sad - I have many, many sad times. I find if I cry it out, it's better than holding it in...because then my sadness doesn't go away. I think it's okay to cry. I don't think I'm depressed...just sad at my situation. Who wouldn't be, right?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could see one another on this forum...if we were closer geographically? I feel like I have new friends on here.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight...and things look a little brighter for you tomorrow.

Take care and be kind to yourself, dear....thinking of you tonight.

Lori
Posted 9/18/2014 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for listening to me rant. I might have to rant again some time. Lori, your words were so sweet, they made me cry again. Of course, I was pretty tearful last night anyway. You're right that absolutely no one gets it.

I also wish I could meet people on this forum. The closest support group is an hour and a half away, and I don't even know if it's that good. I guess I should start my own support group, but that seems like a big undertaking.

I guess you're right, Mike. I really can't talk to anyone about this disease who doesn't have it. I'm glad you're functioning at a fairly high level. There are times, when I can barely function at all, and I have to push, push. I had to go shopping the other day, and made it through the grocery store, but then when I went to Wal mart, I hit my absolute limit, and had to go home.

People criticize me for not going out and socializing or doing things; it's the kind of thing were they say, "Just get out and do it." Then, when I push myself to do those things, and get tired, they congratulate me for having gone out and socialized, as if it's a personal growth kind of thing, when it really isn't. Socializing and going out actually makes me really tired, and drains my energy.

Mike, I'm sorry your friend was a poophead. Now that the CDC admits that Lyme is a pandemic, they, or the news media needs to publicize that information. Still, people won't understand it.

This disease causes us to be so alone.

Lori, I do think I have a low level of depression, but then it gets higher for a few days at a time. If it's there for more than a week, or maybe two weeks, then I need to get worried. I'm on antidepressants, and they do make a difference, but not enough of a difference.

Margaret
Posted 9/18/2014 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
There is a support group that I could go to - 3 1/2 hours away, but I don't know them - but I feel like I know some people on this forum. I have grown attached to people on here.

I know what you mean about the socializing...and the "atta girl" pat on the back. Like they think we gotta just "buck up"...jeez.

My husband has said to me a couple of times when he's seen me in my p.j.'s in the afternoon (never got dressed those days) - you should still get yourself dressed and ready because when you are well...you'll be in the habit of lounging around..and won't be in the habit of getting yourself ready every morning.
That's a bunch of b.s. When I feel better, I'll be able to get dressed, put some makeup on, comb my hair BECAUSE I FEEL BETTER. duh!

The one thing he has said to me that makes sense now, though is: "You are not lyme disease...it isn't who you are. You HAVE lyme disease. Carry it like a piece of luggage...don't let it become you"
I can do that now...but a year ago...when I was really in rough shape...it didn't make sense...as "the luggage was too heavy to carry". But, I try to do that now...and hopefully it will become easier as I start to feel better. Whenever that is. sad
Posted 9/19/2014 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, and people think they're really helping you out by encouraging you when they pull out the "atta girl" thing.

My friend B doesn't try to "atta girl" me, she just turns into a younger, "Mama," and tries to tell me what to do and how do it, and she bosses me around. It's gotten much worse lately for some reason, ever since her hubby retired, and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. She thinks she has to boss me in order to help me, but it doesn't help at all. Then, when she finds my keys or something that I've left behind, she gets frustrated and even mad, while other people who know me tell me things very calmly. Today, I went the wrong way on a street, and another (new) friend of mine very calmly told me, "It's the other way."

I do realize that I am not Lyme Disease, but that I have it. in fact, I wrote a small piece about that in the patient's perspective column of the Lyme Times. The thing is, it's hard to internalize what you write, even if you know it's true. The reason I'm saying that, is that I've been worrying about dementia lately, and I know I'm a worry wart, but I wonder if the damage that's been done to my brain is permanent.

And my luggage has been super heavy too, and hasn't gotten much lighter lately. Margaret
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