Posted 1/8/2015 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
I just need to vent.
The past month I've spent over at my grandparents house. My grandpa passed away on new years eve. He needed round the clock care, diaper changes, we were feeding him like a baby bird with a syringe....etc. It was rough. Seeing my grandma so desperate and just plain sad is totally heartbreaking.
On the 2nd, my friend has her third baby. This girl is more like my sister. Both of our parents were into drugs. We lived together and worked together for 2 years when we were 15-17. Her newborn can't breath so he's in a nicu in one town. 4 days after this her 18 month old collapses and is in another pediatric unit in the state. Her third child and husband can't be in both places at once either. They have no idea if she is going to live or die. These people have been more my family to me and my son than most of my blood relatives. I'm just.... heartbroken again.
On top of this my health has been failing. Miserably. I'm soooo sick. My back keeps going out, my legs don't want to work, I'm constipated and can't detox, I'm dizzy and seeing 10 of everything, my heart is freaking out with POTS stuff, my headaches are especially awful, I have painful itchy rashes, I don't feel like myself at all. I could go on.... The list of symptoms is out of control. You all know what's it's like to be having 20 of them and all at the same time.
Plus I have an (almost!) 3 year old to take care of. And he is sick so he's been very demanding. He won't sleep and he says his legs and head hurts. I have to get him tested with igenex. I'm so worried he's being effected by Lyme and coinfections. A worry that weighs heavy and all of our hearts as parents. My son is my hero, and I don't know how I would handle it if he was sick with this crap. It would break my heart, again.
When it rains it pours. This isn't something that I can really say 'this too shall pass' about. That doesn't seem to apply.... maybe it does. I'm just out of my mind. I feel completely backwards. Kind of...undone? If that makes any sense. I don't feel like myself. There is nothing I can do about any of this besides love them all like I always have. Love is always the answer, I just wish love could heal people.
Imagine what the world would be like if love could heal us all. A girl can dream I guess. I hope the universe is kind to us in these dark times. :(